IT JUST HIT ME.
I don't know why I never saw it before. All the fuss and anger and pain and arguing and wasted time and pain and blah blah blah, boils down to just this. Today at lunch I asked my fiance about the thanksgiving menu in front of his older son who doesn't like me....who two years ago at thanksgiving dinner stated at dinner that my face looks like an old suitcase, and of course this is perfectly acceptable behaviour, no apology was made...he's just "a kid". Well today I was asking about the menu and if my SO liked this or that and he starts mimicking me and his son starts laughing at that. I felt so incredibly hurt and ridiculed it was awful. We weren't in a fight or anything. It was like he was trying to show off for his son by being rude to me! He has never done this to me before! And this is when it hit me....THESE KIDS WILL ALWAYS BE FIRST. THESE PIECES OF THAT OTHER WOMAN THAT ALL HIS EXTRA MONEY GOES TO EVERY MONTH....HIS LOYALTY WILL ALWAYS BE TO THEM. That is what cuts me so deep. When they don't have to clean up their dishes, they screaming and running up and down the stairs, it goes on and on. But ultimately, IT WILL ALWAYS BE THEM. THEY CAME FIRST. THEY ARE HER FLESH, AND HIS, AND THAT'S WHERE HIS MONEY AND HIS HEART WILL ALWAYS BE. yes...Sunday night they leave...and I get a feeling like he's mine, but its almost like a rental. It's a farce. It's a loan. It's not real. It can always be snapped away at a moments notice. This is why we come here to vent because we know the truth. It's not real.
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Ouch. What do you plan to do?
Ouch. What do you plan to do?
I dont quite know. I am quite
I dont quite know. I am quite enmeshed. My whole life is tied up in him. 100%. I am pretty lost without him. I am basicly screwed. Backed in a corner. No exit plan. Scared to death. Don't want to leave. Love him to pieces. Hate his kids. It's painful. I really did a number on myself here. Brilliant one.
So what exactly are we
So what exactly are we supposed to do. Stay engaged? Be semi miserable? Wait for the kids to grow up and move far away from them and hope they don't have grandkids?
Balance and the larger
Balance and the larger kid...Good times and shishe. I am like you goodtimes, living with boyfriend of 7 years and grateful that we did not get married like I wanted! My SO only has one x and two step kids. However, I used to think it was his kids. unfortunately it is not the kids, it is him.... The kids will mirror what the SO does and how he treats you. It is inexcusable for him to speak to you in that fashion, I had a conversation with mine about the same thing. The conversation itself didn't go extremely well, but in the long run he took this under consideration when "goofing around" They would make fun of me if I tried to discipline, like his kids constantly drop their trash on the FLOOR... what is that. At any rate, eventually SO got into shape and dropped the 12 year old behaviours, not all of them, but that one.
I don't understand how you
I don't understand how you can love someone who is so cruel to you. That's not real love.
And you tolerate this?
And you tolerate this? :jawdrop: Time to go. I would just leave now. Or better yet .... change the locks the next time your SO leaves.
How do you reach this
How do you reach this conclusion and still make the choice to stay?
It's like throwing up your hands and saying this is the life I deserve.
This blows! Men are dumb and
This blows! Men are dumb and I don't think your SO was thinking when he said that stuff to you. It was very mean of him and maybe you could talk to him about it in private how it made you feel. I'm not going to tell you to leave him based off that tiny post but I hope that's not how he treats you all the time.
As far as the other part, I completely agree with you. I feel like my SO's life is his kids and their BMs, whether or not it's fighting or arguing with them or what. We had a quiet weekend alone this weekend and the BM texted him until about midnight freaking out because their son had a bloody nose. It really pissed me off. Yup those annoying kids are these men's lives and it sucks. I feel like we are just a hobby, something to pass the time until the kids come back. Just shoot me.
So, we didn't speak before
So, we didn't speak before bed but we did this AM. He said that he likes joking around with his son and I shouldn't ask him any serious questions in front of him. I was like....WTF KIND OF SOLUTION IS THAT! I guess I am supposed to expect that his personality will change around his son now and he will act 12? What a bunch of BULLSHIT. He never acted like this before and it really really is not okay with me. This boy reminds me of BM to the maximum. He gets the biggest kick out of it too. I guess I jusso It cannot be present around them AT ALL. Like that is a solution. So I am right. They win....they ARE IT. I can just STEP ASIDE when they come around apparently.
Uh, I would smile sweetly
Uh, I would smile sweetly back at the both of them and clearly indicate what you would like them to prepare YOU for Thanksgiving dinner. Get up, walk out whistling and skipping and go do something for yourself. Empowering. Even at the bottom of a situation, you still have the power to MOVE so move to another space until you can manage the decision to move to another place.
Or stay. And set boundaries. Can't follow them? Then you deserve better. I swear most of our issues stem from not caring enough about ourselves and expecting others to. Why? Why should they put you first when you can't either?
You get what you expect in this life...with a little luck.
Good luck to you. It is never easy to see the way out when you are in the thick of it but look back at all the other times in your life you thought things wouldn't ever be different and then suddenly, they were. You did something to make that happen.
Rewind and repeat. You can do it!
He said that he likes joking
He said that he likes joking around with his son and I shouldn't ask him any serious questions in front of him.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Damn…I have heard stupid comments but this is way up top on the stupid chart. So he thinks that a menu conversation is too serious to talk about in front of his kid?! And on top of that he had to humiliate you in front of his kid?!
Therapy quick! Him because he is an asshole and you because you allow him to be that way to you.
Wow. Well, when someone shows
Wow.
Well, when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
Why would you be 100% enmeshed/tied into his life and "lost without him" when you're his girlfriend?? I don't understand why women hitch themselves to the wagon of a "boyfriend," and make themselves dependant on him without the legal protections that marriage offers.
:? You basically take away all of your options.
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the above. Esp stick a fork. He has shown you who he is, and where you stand. Now is the perfect moment, for you to show him who you are, and where you stand. Boundaries, acceptable adult behavior. They can bond by making fun of someone else. And if they want to make a joke out of thanksgiving, then I would just go get a few tv dinners, set the table nice and holiday like, and lay the dinners out on the counter. Let them choose their meal, and have at it.
And when he whines, tell him if you can't ask questions in front of the kid, then they can just handle it on their own, and you get to do what you want. Without 'family' input.
I might even take it one step further and fight fire with fire, and bond with the kid by making fun of dad when he complains about the selection.
You said: "I am quite
You said: "I am quite enmeshed. My whole life is tied up in him. 100%. I am pretty lost without him. No exit plan. Scared to death. Don't want to leave. Love him to pieces. Hate his kids. It's painful. I really did a number on myself here."
First thing you need to do is get yourself into counseling. Do the work on yourself to find out WHY you think that you should get treated like this (and somewhere in your heart, you do believe this or you would be GONE ALREADY).
Second thing you need to do is plan your exit strategy, including socking away some money in an account he doesn't know about in your name only. If you decide one day to leave, that will help you immensely. Even if you decide to NOT leave, having that there, being prepared for the worst case scenario will help TREMENDOUSLY with your feeling of helplessness.
You don't sound like you are at the end of your rope...yet. You will be, someday. You will realize when it happens because you will take the pain and embarrassment and turn it into ANGER over your treatment. Anger is a very powerful motivator.
I think you should make some
I think you should make some hurtful criticism of ss back the next time he says something ugly to you, ex. Well at least I am not fat, failing school, etc.
When they blow up over that, tell DH every time your kid smarts off to me, he is getting it right back from me.. and you, DH, are setting up your own child to be treated like that, by not teaching him any manners!!!!
Please change whatever it is that makes you feel trapped there ... If you are financially dependant, get a job, etc. Please do not accept being the butt of the TWO childrens' supposed jokes!!
That is no way to live honey. Love yourself, stand up for yourself!! You are a grown woman and don't have to take their shit!!!!!!
Yup that would be me.
Yup that would be me. Verbally slash the little asshole and the big one.
"Well I'm not a worthless POS like you and your fuckass mother."
or if you are really too nice of a person to be mean to a kid take it out on your worthless BF. If he starts ridiculing you give it back to him in spades.