IS Dad telling kids to keep secrets...?
Had an interesting exchange with my son last night regarding Dad's GF...
I think he's being coached to keep things from me...
He was adding contacts to his e-mail and he was on the phone getting his Dad's & Gf's and we were giving him ours etc.. He says "I put 'GF' in under family" then he gets a strange look on his face....like he shouldn't have said that! I say "Ya, that's where she belongs...she's like your step-mom."
He still had a strange look on his face...then he starts to get kind of apologetic about it. Like he's trying to placate me or like he's afraid he's said something offensive to me or like he's going to get i trouble or somthing.
He goes on to say "ya she is like my step mom and Dad wants to make her.......he kindof stops.....then goes on....a "mrs." and he almost whispers that....
I said "I think that's great"....
I have never, never never said anything negative about her.....I really think she is great, she's nice to my kids...I would prefer to speak to her than my X.....anyday.
I've moved on and I'm happy...he deserves the same...I have no issues with it whatsoever.
I've even questioned my daughter when she left GF out of a "my family project"...I have vowed to not let my children treat her disrespectfully as I have been treated as a step-mom....
SOOOOOO I was completely thrown by why he was dancing around me like that....
I'm the one who refered to her as part of the family.....
Dad has encouraged the kids to keep "secrets" from me in the past.... I think that is a horrible position to put kids in ....it is not their responsibily to keep adults secrets...nothing good comes from teaching them that. I would prefer they didn't tell their father my business..but they do...I'll never encourage them to keep things from one parent or the other..even if it is to my benefit...it's just not fair to them..
If you don't want "information" to go through the kids....DON"T GIVE THE KIDS THE INFORMATION in the first place....
Anyway, I think it's great. I figured marriage is where they were headed....but I don't like thinking son is being told to keep secrets....
He was very uncomfortable that he let the cat out of the bag.....and seemed like he had to be appologetic and defensive towards me.
I've given no reason for him to feel that way.....and can't help but wonder What is Dad telling him, anyway!!!!!
(he bought a jeep few years ago...told the kids to not tell me.....hello, I was going to see it when you picked them up...why encourage secrets and deception between children & parents??!! I conveyed those sentiments to him then
(I used to want one when we were married...and I think he just wanted to see the look on my face himself when he showed up in it...I couldn't care less...it's a stupid reason to put your kids in that position for...)
I didn't want him to know about us planning to buy an RV.....but I wouldn't ask the kids to 'keep it from him'.....and of course they blabbed.....OH WELL!!!! That's life!!!
I don't believe in teaching kids to keep secrets......!!!!!!
Should I ask Dad if son was asked to keep secrets.....? (over something stupid again) or will I just sound like I'm jealous or something...?
tell me what you think.... 
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Secrets are bad!
Wow lovin-life, I can relate to that. In my situation my ss mom tells the kids not to tell us where they went, what they bought, any details of what happens in their life. I don't understand why but its sad/hard on the kids. Sometimes, just like with your son, on of our boys will let something slip and then the other will jump in and get mad at him for saying it...like if they are going to get in trouble or something. Or they will threaten each other with I'm going to tell mom you said that and then one cries and they get mad at each other. I don't know why mothers feel they need to have all this secrecy...there's no harm in letting your child share their excitement about something especially to their own father. Our life is basically an open book to them, but from their side, so many secrets. It is sad.
Maybe you should ask dad not about the secrets, but ask if he is going to get married and congratulate him on it. Say that your son mentioned it to you and you expressed your happiness to him about it...maybe something like that...
I don't know that I would
I don't know that I would put any more pressure on the kid by bringing it up again, either with him or with dad. It could be that he just felt uncomfortable about it for a totally unrelated reason.
The secret thing is really only effective if the other person wants to know the info. In your case, if you don't care about whatever the info is, then dad will hopefully lose interest in trying to keep the info a secret. I'd just let it drop. If it were something major that could potentially harm you or your children, well, that's different. But a secret is only powerful if you care about getting the information being kept from you. If you don't care about it, then don't let him know you know and the secrets, whatever they are, lose their magical power.
~ Anne ~
At least both times the kids
At least both times the kids blabbed "his secrets to me" the world didn't end for them....they can tell me and nothing happens...It's a relief to them..a burden they don't have to carry, anymore...and they can trust me with thier secrets.....
I think secrets are sooooooooooo stupid!!
Well, he can't marry just yet, were working on our 'divorce paperwork'..we're still jockeying back & forth. He's stiffed me for a couple thousand dollars of child related expenses and I can prove it in court and I'm confident I'll be successful.
(He was refusing to contribute what the law requires for childcare, etc and I was holding out for that and his arrears...but now that he has lawyered up..he has started to contribute...(she must have told him..hey buddy its the law))
So this made me think...maybe I'll just cut right to my "bottom line"...Waive the arrears. We can Sign It...Merry Christmas!! I'm tired of this dragging on.......
Ya, makes sense..but I guess
Ya, makes sense..but I guess I just don't understand WHY he would think I would be hurt.
That's the part that makes me wonder.
Where does the idea that it would hurt me or upset me come from?
There are times a grumble about Dad. But never, never, never anything but good things about GF. I consider her a step-mom all-ready, they live together.
The kids joked that "Thank God we don't have to eat Dad's cooking anymore" when she moved in 1 1/2 years ago.
I've stuck up for her when my daughter was being a snotty step-kid. I really, really, really have no issue in any way....and I've gone over and above encouraging my kids to accept her..etc. I fully expected them to marry...so no surprises..
That's why I question where the idea that my son would think it would "upset me". I don't think he would come up with that on his own....given all the positive conversations and my encouragment for them to welcome her as part of the family.
....where else would he get the idea that I would be upset.....
I have the same problem with my ex
and him doing that to our 10yr old daughter and I personally think it's been going on since she was 3 or 4 unfortunately. My ex has always encouraged that with her and at the same time he interrogates her about what i'm doing. If my daughter lets something out, I just try to reassure her that it's ok and it doesn't upset me, which it doesn't. I've moved on, he hasn't I guess. I think he has been so secretive about so many things throughout his life, he just can't stop himself. I sometimes wonder if he tells her that I will be upset or what. His family always tries to find out through her what I'm doing, for whatever reason I don't know other than gossip amongst themselves. My daughter has told me they do that but she just dodges the questions and believe me if she doesn't want to discuss something she won't! It was kept a secret about his last GF for quite awhile until he finally told me about her. When I left my daughter know that I knew about the GF, she kinda had a very uncomfortable look on her face. I left her know it was ok that daddy had a GF and just wanted to make sure that she liked her. But, I really wish my ex wouldn't encourage "secrets" with her and don't know myself what to say to him about that. He'd just deny that he does it. So I always stay upfront and honest with my daughter about everything and try to set a good example for her. It's sad that my daughter has learned to be secretive about somethings. It's just another game some people like to play. I don't even know why somethings need to be "kept" a secret! So daddy's got a new GF, good for him. Sad thing is his new GF only lasted a year until they split this spring/summer. He said because she wanted to get married, my guess is the following reason - he's a 50yr old man that lives with parents, has no money, a weekend musician only, no steady job, filed bankruptcy, complains about ex-wives (he was married once before me) being paranoid insecure women that believe he was cheating on them (I'm sure he forgot to admit to her that he really did cheat on us.)
I agree with you that you shouldn't put your children in that position. My daughter lives with Stepdad & me because her father is so busy with his life/musical career. So I guess if he wants to keep his personal life a secret, ok, I've got way better things to do with my time than worry him.
Sorry for the ramble on...
I guess talking to your ex would depend on what kind of communication relationship you have. Do you think he will get defensive? Maybe your ex hasn't asked his GF to be mrs yet and wants to keep it a secret until he does and was seeing what your sons reaction might be to the news. I wish you the best on this issue.
SS
lovin-life
my ss does the same to me, he is afraid at times to mention something re: what is biomom says or things to me. i don't blame him though, he is just unsure about whether me and his mom get along. so if he acts the way he does to you, i would just reassure him that he doesn't have to feel like he/she shouldn't be open to tell you things about the gf. that you and her are friends and get a long fine. that he can freely tell you things openly without fear of what your reaction would be and that things are all okay.
-happy mom