Lucy, you're asking too much of your husband. In my home your situation is reversed. My husband treats my first born with love, care and kindness. She adores my husband and thinks the sun shines from where he sits.

I refuse to care for or do anything for my husbands son. My husband does not ask me to either.

My husband's son has a large number of disorders and or special needs problems. However his greatest problem is poor parenting. Why should I take the abuse, insults, threats and physical harm to my daughters, friends children and pets he dishes out but still treat my husbands son with love, kindness and care? I worked for 3 years to solve the problems only for the child's parents and grandparents to fail him.

Why should my husband love me or my daughter any less? Should I love my husband any less because his son hates me? His son has hurt both my daughters, should I love my husband less? Should he be punished by being kicked out our bed? Why should your husband be loved any less? Why would you evict him from your marital bed for a child raised with problems that are not his doing?

Stop for a moment and ask yourself have you done everything within your power to ensure your husband is treated with kindness and respect by your son? I don't use the word love because you CANNOT make them love each other. Trust me on this, I tried so hard for so long.

Buy a vibrator.

You drew a line in the sand: "Develop a relationship with my troubled son. Teach my troubled son to have a relationship back. I understand that my son has issues but you MUST work harder to connect. Praise me for caring for the girl=child that you clothed/fed/housed but didn't take care of ..."

Good luck.

This is a hard one. I definitely empathize. I know you will get a lot of advice how your dh doesn't need to give a crap about your kid or make any effort and I get that view, I have even advised that before. I just want you to know I do see the flip side also.

Perhaps you went into this marriage with the understanding you would both be there as helpmates for each other in life's struggles and that you would both be an active part in having a positive relationship with each other's kids. For whatever reason your kid is really struggling and not an easy or pleasant kid to have that relationship with at this time. However you had expectations that your dh would be the bigger person, the adult and continue to make efforts with the kids as a way to support you, his wife and your heart aches that not only is your son in trouble but you feel your dh who may be able to help won't.

If you feel your focus really needs to be on your son at this point maybe it is best that you leave the relationship and put the focus here. If you and your dh are going to be at odds it really does nothing to help your kid to have that tension in the home. Alternatively, you can take it for what it is, look to your dh for support in other ways then active involvement with the kid (who likely does not really care about or wish to develop a relationship with his sf). Perhaps dh can support you by taking on more of the household chores, giving a listening ear, distracting from your stress with date night or whatever you need to help cope while you focus more on son.

Good luck to you either way. It is very painful to be where you are at. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Read the blogs posted here. You husband is doing the exact things many SMstudents here do and/or are told they should do when dealing with a kid they dislike or hate.

As a parent, there's no way I hell I would have my child live in a home like that. You can not force the two of them to have a relationship.

It's time to make a decision that is in your son's best interest.

I agree with all the people saying you're asking too much. All you can really demand is that they treat each other with politeness & manners. They don't have to respect each other, but they should be respectful & polite. Hopefully that makes sense. You can't force people to like each other, as others have stated. It doesn't sound like your husband is mean to him.

Maybe you should step back from doing all the care taking. Stop doing everything for your SD. I'm not saying don't be there for her, but stop all the care taking stuff. I think it's making you resentful, since your husband isn't doing the same with your son. Please keep in mind, it's easier to take care of someone that's nice to you & appreciates it. If you're at a breaking point anyway, it's worth a try.

Consider marriage therapy. I think it could really help the two of you, whether it's to work things out or to smooth the transition of the marriage ending. It'll move things along one way or the other. Good luck.

This is the problem with ultimatums and threats sometimes they backfire and you end up paying the price. Honestly some step parents just don't like their step kids just as some people simply don't like people they work with. I think you're taking it all too personally. Your son might be a jock or athlete type of kid whereas your DH might have been on the nerdy side (or vice versa) so their personalities just don't click. I also want to point out that forcing the two to have a relationship almost never works out here. You're pressuring them because you are unhappy with their relationship. If they seemed to have an unspoken agreement to ignore each other then you should stick with that. Why can't you keep parenting by yourself? Why aren't you seeking his BioDad for help with his attitude as is his responsibility? I think you're trying to saddle your DH with your expectations of parenting which is only setting you up for disappointment.

Disengage from his kid and focus on your own. You are going about it all backwards if you want your marriage to work. You cannot force two people to have a positive relationship. Even if you are married to one and gave birth to the other. It just doesn't work like that.

You are doing everything for a child not yours in order to manipulate your H into doing the same for your child. When he doesn't, you are getting more and more frustrated and resentful. Cut the situation off at the knees.

Lets look at the facts... One parent has raised a lovable daughter. One parent has raised a pain in the ass. You have been together five years so you have not raised his daughter. He obviously has a clue about how to parent so maybe you should look to him for advice. I know you don't want to hear this but maybe the reason your son has no diagnosis is because there is nothing to diagnose. Like I said, you've been together for five years so YOU are at least partially responsible for the way he is. I think sometimes parents want so bad for their kid to have a disorder so that they don't have to feel guilty for their parental shortcomings. What are the differences between the way he parents and the way you parent? Take inventory and make some changes. If your kid is being a jerk to an adult, nip it in the bud. No matter what kind of "disorder" he has, there is a right way to act and a wrong way to act. And obviously you are not encouraging him to act the way a child should act. Especially towards an adult that helps put clothes on his back and a roof over his head. Sounds like he needs to learn about gratitude and respect. There are so many kids out there with no food in their stomach and no father figure around to lovingly guide them. Does he know how damn lucky he is to have a mother that loves him and a step father that is respectful enough to follow the "if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all" principle?

So you when say your 14 year old has behavioral problems, just exactly what are you talking about? Rages, withdrawing, drugs, defiance.. what? I also want to know if your DH is allowed to discipline or be involved in discipline decisions (i.e. should we ground him, take his phone away etc)

This sounds exactly like what happened in my home with SD18. She moved in with us when she was 14. DH wanted me to be her "buddy" (he DID understand that I didn't like her.. she lies, steals, and was a filthy pig) BUT he didn't want to me scold her or have any say in what money was being given to her, consequences for things etc. I told him he couldn't have it both ways. He couldn't expect me to be all rainbow sprinkles to her (especially when she's acting like an asshole) but then get pissed at me and tell be to mind my own business when I question a $500.00 cell phone bill. $500.00 cell phone bills affect ME. Calls from the State Police at 4 a.m. to pick up a 16 year old who is drunker than 12 skunks, affects ME, trashing a bathroom in my house and a bedroom in my house affects ME and I WILL say something about it or I will say NOTHING.... and that's how SD18 and I were for the most part. We did not speak to each other, DH did all the taxiing around, cooking, discipline, parenting. I did NOTHING.

And I will tell you, 4 years later, EVERY.SINGLE. THING. we fought about.. about how she needed to learn responsibility by having chores, guidelines, expectations, managing money etc. or she would turn 18 and be crippled... and guess what? She's 18 and has no clue. Zero pennies saved, thinks she's going to college, but has been working at a Girl Scout camp for all of 3 weeks and called DH, MIL, Aunt J and who knows who else crying, because it was "too hard, it's long days, they have me cleaning the bathroom" WTF? It's a fucking Girl Scout Camp, not a concentration camp. Welcome to the REAL WORLD poopsie!

Of course now DH sees that I meant well for her.. that I wanted her to have the skills to be independent... but at the time all he saw was "you just hate my kid"

Neither seems to care enough to try.

You are the one causing the stress, as they seem fine to go on ignoring each other. Not that that is ideal, but it's bothering you more than them.

Let me guess, your DH should be "the bigger man" because he is the adult? But your son, as a kid, should not have to show any respect for an adult?

I told DH that if he doesn't try to improve things with my son (at this point they don't even acknowledge each other), that we would not share a bed until I saw action on his behalf

Wow, that is seriously messed up.

What ultimatum did you give your son?

Your ultimatum and your DH basically agreeing to sleep separately, is pretty symbolic, in my opinion. You guys need a good family counselor. Or lawyers.

You mentioned that your son is having a hard time with his own behavior. This eludes to him having bad behavior. Its difficult to manage and deal with a child that displays bad behavior especially if the child isn't yours. He's your child and it would be best if you managed his behavior. Your son is not a baby he's a teen, which means he is choosing to behave this way. If you think he has a disorder than that must be determined and diagnosed by a professional that way you can help him with treatment if that is the case.

You can't force your DH to have a relationship with your son. He is an adult and Im sure he's exhausted and disengaged due to your sons "behavior". In these cases I do believe that the bio parent must also uphold their children to some kind of standards. Its ok for the child to act out and display bad behavior but its always expected that the stepparent just bend over and take the abuse and disrespect. That's not fair to either party.

My DH would like for me to try harder with his son, to have a relationship with him. SS is 15. SS has been a total nightmare since day 1, he's always taken his aggression out on me and has never liked or respected me. I'm not going to try any longer with a child who isn't held to any standards by his parents. If SS parents are dismissive of his behavior than they are doing him a disservice. I don't think its okay and I don't have to tolerate it. Disengaging is a way for stepparents to deal with these dysfunctional issues. I wish you the best of luck. If you have given your DH this ultimatum, you will probably end up divorced. Think about what you really want.

Lucy LALA I understand what you are saying and feeling. In my case it is a little different. Son with behavior issues is mine and DH. DH was in denial that something could be wrong with his only son. DH thought that if I parented our son that he would behave better. lol...see all the parenting was on me. DH wouldn't didn't say anything until incidents were out of control. Enough about that. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that in your case it may not have anything to do with you DH being a step parent. If he sees how well you interact with his child he may not understand why you can't handle your son. He is letting you take on the parent role of both kids and doesn't want to be involved. Now you need his help thinking that having a MAN's help with your son it may help the situation. I don't recall anything said about your son's bio father? Is he around? In your son's life? If your son's father is decent then I would ask him for help. I would also get my son evaluated for issues so you can get to the bottom of the problem. It was not fair of you to kick your DH out of the bed. You need to apologies and see if you can work that out. Once you get to the bottom of issues with your son and work out a plan to help your son and if your DH agrees to help you then stops then you have a reason to be mad.

Lucy, wow. Step back and deep breath.

If your husband were posting "My SS has behavior issues that aren't being addressed and I can't stand being around him. So I avoid him. Now my wife is angry at me for avoiding him and told me I have to interact with him and she's sleeping on the couch until I do!" We would all tell him to hire a good lawyer and divorce you.

He's AVOIDING your son, not being mean to him. It's called disengagement. It's probably all that's keeping him from leaving you.

Get your son the help he needs. Be thankful that your DH is standing by YOU during this. If that's not good enough for you, then do the man a favor and take your son and leave.

no feedback from OP on the comments?