How can a SM nicley say "NO" to BM???
My SD's mom will often ask "me" to keep the kids when they are sick or want me to take them to the Dr (while she went shopping) I wouldn't mind if she had to work or something important came up and she "had no other choice" Here lately she refuses to take her own daughter to her softball games and told me that my husband and I need to make arrangements to get her to and from. She's not at work during games, she's off and at home. My SD's game is ONCE A WEEK! I've asked her if she can meet me and my husband there, he drive's straight to the ball park from work- (which he has barely enough time to not miss the game) I've helped her out many times but feel she's taking advantage of me. How can I tell her "no" without conflict?
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Say it any way you want.
Say it any way you want. There's no way to say no without conflict. It's going to be how you and your husband react to the hissy fit that follows thats more important. Are you both on the same page about this? Can you hold your nerve as a couple and not react to the emotional blackmail? Try a self assertiveness class or book too, even the most confident of people will learn something about managing relationships with manipulative people.
Oh, and welcome to ST. Let us know how you get on with BM. Good luck.
Thank You! and thanks for
Thank You! and thanks for replying to my comment....
She really blew up last week when my DH wanted the younger daughter to go to the game too. The last 2 weeks she hasn't let her go. My DH asked why, 1st time she "had to clean her room" 2nd time "mommy was sick and needed her to help (she's 5 yrs old) I picked the girls up and she addressed it with me, very angry. I asked her to talk to DH, she refused. Most of the time she calls me instead of him to address issues. They DON'T GET ALONG AT ALL!!! The children were present and she was angry, she has never done that before. She said things about me and DH in front of the SD's. The oldest cried on the way to the game. I'm very concerned at this point. They are being put in the middle and are just small kids. My DH and I talked about co-parenting classes. We asked BM and H to join us, they never replied.
DH and I suggested
DH and I suggested co-parenting classes for all 4 parents involved.
I think this is a great
I think this is a great idea.
I agree she shouldn't put
I agree she shouldn't put the responsibility on me just because my husband is at work and can't. I also feel bad for her Husband, he does alot for her kids. so I kinda feel "I" should help too??? but not when she, the mother, can but is not willing....
oh yea........you could
oh yea........you could always say something like "I would love to help you out, but dh and I have an agreement that he and you will make the decisions regarding (whatever)...this way off you and back on him & her....it's sad to put skids in the middle, take yourself out of it and spare yourself.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Just tell her that you wish
Just tell her that you wish that you could but you have prior obligations.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
I tried that. Last week she
I tried that. Last week she called DH and asked if I could take SD to game. I had a meeting at my D school however, planned to go straight to the ball park from there. I let her know I wouldn't have time to attend the meeting and pick up SD. She made arrangements with a team mates mom to pick up her daughter. A few hours b4 the game, SD called and asked if I was picking her up..... what? your mom told me.... well- the little girl got sick and wouldn't be able to play- understandable right? I asked SD to ask BM if she could take her, I would bring her home, BM said no, SD started crying, I felt bad, it's not her fault, I called my D school and rescheduled meeting.... What do I do???? I don't want SD to suffer because BM is lazy!!!!! I'm really worried it's going to get worse in the future......
You said she called your DH
You said she called your DH and asked if you could take SD to the game, did DH hand you the phone after she asked the question?
It should be DH's responsibility to let BM know that you are unable to take SD on her time.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
I told him from now on if
I told him from now on if she wants me to do something, call "me". She calls him "knowing" he's working, but asks him to "ask" me. I never say anything in order to avoid conflict. I'm starting to realize my method of "nice" and "yes" all the time is no good either....she takes and takes and wants more....
I can completely relate to
I can completely relate to that, and I too still do that too sometimes. But until you stand up for your happiness, it won't change. Next time she asks, just let her know that you would love to but, you have obligations and feel that adding anymore obligations to your existing one's are stretching you too thin. If she gets mad, she will eventually get over it.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Ways to say no. I'm sorry I
Ways to say no.
I'm sorry I won't do that.
Maybe you can find someone to do that for you as I won't.
If you don't want her to play softball, its ok with me, maybe you should let her know.
You won't do what? Tell your
You won't do what?
Tell your SD that her father isn't allowed to pay for her dinner when you guys take her out to dinner..........or are you just doing your typical condecending shit with this blog to?
try to stay on topic tink,
try to stay on topic tink, as your anger is taking control of your higher brain levels and your mixing things up in your head and trying to create problems. so angry, must be so hard but you need to try to work on ways to help, not make yourself worse by taking it out on tohers you do not even know...
reading things into something written for someone else is a good example of losing it.
You really should get some professional help before you break down and go into a fit in the middle of walmart !!!
hehehe.......funny you
hehehe.......funny you mention that.
Because that's exactaly what you've been doing jeans. On everyones blog you go into some weird tangit that has nothing to do with the original topic. Weird when someone else does it to you huh?
I suggest that you stop bashing everyone on this site, if you want to offer advice that's great, but theres no need to be hateful in every single thing you say. Half of the stuff you are saying makes NO sense what so ever.
PS......I'm not the blogger that had a fit in walmart, but there you go again, insulting someone who was blogging for help!
who signed her up for
who signed her up for softball? Was it a joint decision? you and H? or just BM?
in my opinion it makes a difference.
H and I suggested softball
H and I suggested softball to BM. BM was all excited and approved and even offered to help out when she could. BM attended 2 games and after that, told me H and I would have to take her from here on .... Why is BM doing this??? BM is home and could take SD to games. H works and can't pick up SD and make it to game on time, H drives straight from work to ball field. so BM wants me (SM) to pick up SD. SD tells H and I "mommy didn't want to miss her show on TV" so she can't come. It's not right but I can't let SD miss out because BM doesn't care. BM told SD "it's just a f**king game!!!! How can you tell your child that????
I left my comment on the
I left my comment on the other post of yours.
Hmmm... my first response
Hmmm... my first response was that you should stick to your guns and say no, but after hearing that softball was yours and DH's idea, you may have to do the running around I think. My suggestion is that BEFORE SD signs up again next year, you and DH have a meeting with BM and negotiate who will drive and when. Agree in advance that if one of you doesn't hold up your end of the bargain (unless agreed to in advance), SD misses out on playing that day.
As for all the other stuff she wants you to do, say no. Be terribly polite, but say no. And once you say no, DONT EVER give in and change your mind. All you will be teaching BM is that if she digs her heels in and refuses, you will make a few weak protesting noises and then do it for her. I dont need my crystal ball (I'm more psycho than psychic!) to know BM will just learn to take advantage of you more and more.
Just one last thing. Please don't reschedule important meetings (like the one with your bio daughters school) just because SD needs a ride somewhere. Over the years to come there will be plenty of schedule clashes and inevitably someone will end up in tears, but it wont be the end of the world.
You're doing a great job. Over time you will show DH, BM and SD that you are a loving and helpful SM, but that you WONT be taken advantage of.
Thanks so much!! You are so
Thanks so much!! You are so right! Ironically, I have thought the same! Every thing you have said I've thought myself! I appreciate your opinion and taking the time to address this issue. Thanks for listening. I SO NEEDED TO VENT!!! I will keep you updated and let you know how it turns out....