Dear SD,

Missed you while you were at your Grandma’s this weekend. As in, I definitely noticed you were not here.

That was so helpful of you to tell me I could just pick up your Easter basket from my mom’s house. It’s charming how your self-confidence/centeredness allows you to assume that you were even getting an Easter basket from someone you’ve only met a couple times. No one got Easter baskets this year, so hopefully your snit won’t be too extensive when you get to our house and realize you didn’t get a fourth Easter basket in addition to the ones from us and your actual grandparents. That’s also kind of you not to expect a basket from your own mom. Sweet how you don’t hold her to the same standard you hold my mom, a virtual stranger to you.

Thanks also for leaving those decaying blobs of cookie dough in your room. Without them, I wouldn’t have figured out what happened to that package of cookie dough that was in the refrigerator. It was driving the rest of us crazy trying to track it down. It’s probably just as well we didn’t get to consume those extra calories anyway. You know, even though everybody in the house except me is thin, we want everyone to stay that way.

And finally, I don’t know what to say about how your dad yelled at you before you left for your mom’s Thursday night. I guess you left here kicking and throwing things and screaming, from what he tells me. I do feel he over-reacted and treated you too harshly, but I think it was because 7 years of denying your bad behavior exploded in one fit of rage.
I’m sure you’re most angry with me right now because you think I caused it. Yes, I called you out this time on lying and manipulating your dad into getting your brother and my son into trouble. I was right around the corner when you attacked your brother and then went crying to your dad that he kicked you, which was actually more like he protected himself with his leg. I could hear all of it.

Your dad did his usual oh-poor-you-just-stay-away-from-those-bad-boys routine. Feeling vindicated, you went back and sassed your brother about it. Arguing ensued and you got especially angry when your brother pointed out how your eyes get wider when you lie. As it escalated, I marched in and asked what was going on. I watched you screw your face into a fake cry as you whined that the boys were being mean to you. You stammered as you came up with a story. I said I heard the whole thing and you need to stop lying and trying to get other people in trouble. You started to cry and tried to run away to your room.

This is the first time I’ve spoken directly to you about your behavior. Luckily, your dad happened to come in from outside just in time to see this. I looked at him to take over and you tried to crawl away. He motioned to me to keep going but I stepped back with my hands up, letting him know this is his problem.

Well, as we know, he blew up. He yelled. Loudly. He really didn’t handle it well, but at least he finally did SOMETHING. He claims he can’t do anything about your behavior unless he sees it happening. You might not have noticed, but I have noticed he makes sure he doesn’t see you acting up. Even when the evidence is there, like the permanent marker writing on your walls and furniture or multiple people stating what they witnessed you do, he won’t do anything about it. I can honestly see why you think you’re golden.

Still, the volume of his yelling was out of proportion to the sibling spat that was going on. I normally would stay out of it except I’ve had enough of you getting the boys in trouble, especially my son, because let’s face it, I like him best. I also regret that all you really got out of it was that we were mad and that in your mind it was for no reason. Your dad did nothing to explain it to you. Clearly, though, you did not like getting in trouble. Your dad told me you were still violent when you got to your mom’s house. You probably did a good job making her think your dad was abusing you or something.

That little twist at the end where you blamed your dad because you peed yourself was interesting. It illustrated just how truly perfect you think you are that you even blame someone else for that. In fact, that reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of yours…the time when you said “I never do anything wrong…it’s always other people”. Very insightful for a 7-year-old. I’m relieved to see that the poor parenting you’ve received over the years has not affected your self-esteem.

I hope you had a nice weekend. Your dad and I were just talking last night about what a pleasant, relaxed weekend we had. I didn’t mention that I know why it was so nice, even though we did crappy chores during a lot of it. We’ll see if he starts to realize how different the dynamic is when you’re not here. Of course that doesn’t happen on many weekends because he can’t ever change the schedule…only your mom or grandma can. That, however, is a completely different topic between me and your dad.

Can’t wait to see how you act when you get back! I wonder if it will be tonight, since you have baseball practice. That’s cool how you know after just one practice in your first season of baseball that you’re one of the best 2 or 3 on the whole team. The whole team! Anyway, I’m thinking you might be with us tonight since your mom is banned from little league after that incident at your brother’s game. Remember- that one time when she and her boyfriend showed up all wasted and he went out and mimicked the umpire on the field and then got in a fight when they asked him to leave? Yeah, that’s the time. Also, she might be working tonight. She’s had that job for I think 2 weeks now. It’s almost a record!

OK, talk to you soon…I'm going to run out and mail this to you right now. Oh wait, you can't particularly read. That's fine for a second grader, but it just surprises me since you say they were going to let you skip second grade and proceed to third grade. I'm sure you are fairly bright, I mean it takes brains to manipulate the way you do, plus I think you do well in school. I just really thought they expected kids to be able to read at, well, a third grade level in order to be in third grade. I also would have thought your dad would have heard you were going to skip a grade. Shows what I know about anything...

Sincerely,
Horrible Me