New Stepmom struggling
Hi everyone, I am new to this site and actually found it by accident this morning while searching for something else related to, "step parenting." I have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years with a guy who has 3 kids from his previous marriage. We had decided once we first started seeing each other that when it came to the kids we wanted to wait awhile before introducing me into their lives because that is such a big step on both sides. A short while before our one year mark we decided it was time that for us to spend time with the kids together so for the next two weekends that he had them I spent each Saturday afternoon with them and so started the process of us getting, "acquainted." After those first two Saturdays though we got horrible news that his youngest, 3 year old daughter Maddie, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and cancer that spread down her spine. It was devastating and in an instant everything changed.
Within two weeks we had moved over to the same town as the ex-wife to be as close to the kids as possible. Now that we were in such close proximity the 2 boys started coming to the apartment during their visitation days (2 x a week) and staying over with us every other weekend. When Maddie was not in the hospital she was also with us. (Prior to this my boyfriend would drive over to their town and take them to the park, or his parents house, etc to spend his time with them since we were living together and they had not met me yet. On the weekends he had them he would stay with them at his parents house so up until this pt I had literally just spent 2 afternoons with them) In a matter of weeks we basically went from 0 to 100MPH and my life changed dramatically. I wanted so badly to be there for him in every way possible that I threw myself into the situation and tried to be another parental figure for the kids. After some months had gone by though I was exhausted, sad, neglected because of the situation with Maddie and upset in general. I wanted to build a relationship with the kids and I wanted to be a positive influence in their lives but the sacrifice I was making at 28 and not being married was so overwhelming for me. Over the next 8-10 months I continued to struggle as I found my way.
On a positive note Maddie has been in remission now for 7 months which is such a blessing. My relationship with her is certainly something special because it was truly built in a hospital room. We built a relationship through her cancer and I think that is truly something unique. As time has gone by I have done a better job of adjusting to the responsibility of parenting but there are often times where I continue to struggle in different ways. In some ways I feel like I will never be able to compare to Maddie (even though you shouldn't compare) because of what she went through and because she's "daddy's little girl." There were so many times throughout the last year and a half where I felt invisible within our "family," dynamic and it was so upsetting....still is. I often times feel that I come second to the kids and that I am investing SO much in them and feel at times that they don't love me. I realize that when you are a parent your kids come first and yet I also struggle with that I guess because at times I feel pressure to just be a mom and that's not why I am with my boyfriend. I want a relationship, I want love, romance, etc. I feel that I am taken for granted at times because my BF gets upset with me at my frustrations and a part of me wants to say to him, "how many women do you know at my age that would have committed to this situation, especially with a sick child added into the mix?" it has nothing to do with tooting my own horn but I think it says something about me.
In addition to that his ex-wife is horrible. She never ceases to cause trouble. Just this weekend she was supposed to drop the kids off at the apartment by 5:30 and refused because she would be dropping them off to me. So, she just kept them at her house. We had to call the police, my BF had to leave work and come home to physically go and get the kids and that's just one small incident of many that she as instigated. It's hard enough adjusting to the role of "Step parents," without adding in a women who is just mean. When Maddie first got diagnosed I actually reached out to her and expressed to her that I felt it was really important for us to have some kind of mutual respect and understanding for the sake of the kids and that we both had to rise up as individuals and she never even had the decency to respond. Instead she has only lashed out and tried to hurt me and my BF. Some days I feel like why the hell am I doing this?! And we are not even married!!
That in itself is another issue....my BF's finances are still tied to this witch until their old house sells and as you know the market is HORRIFIC. The house has been on the market over a year and a half. She refuses to work and since she has access to the pot she just withdraws at will without any concern over how my BF will pay the mortgage that month. He couldn't even propose to me if he wanted to considering he has no finances to buy a ring which sounds so materialistic but it is the truth. I think there are times when I look at the situation though and think to myself, if I were him and I had this woman who just went through hell and back with me, who has dedicated to growing a relationship with my kids and actively participates in raising them I will sure as hell find a way to propose to her.
I had a friend of mine visiting this weekend and we talked a lot about the kids, etc and I was telling her how much it frustrates me that for example, they have very little manners. Most of the time it feels as if I am being bossed around by 3 children and worst of all by Maddie who is very used to being catered to because of her ordeal. Sometimes I just want to like, "look can you just try asking for once rather than telling me what you want as if I am here to serve you!" I have talke to my BF about this and tried through my own efforts to start balancing this out in the kids but my BF does follow through as much as I wish he would and their mom does NOTHING to teach them proper manners or anything for that matter. So often I feel like I want to escape for the day because when they are with is it is a 24/7 workload. Every minute of the day is revolving around entertaining them or providing for them and it seems so hard. I feel like we don't have a balance in that area and that they have been raised to just view other people as a means to an end and it upsets me. I get upset with my BF for letting it continue that way and I get fed up with being expected to always GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. And if I express my frustrations to him he only gets irritated with me and puts the responsibility on me which is so defeating. We had an argument yesterday regarding this and he bascially scolded me AS IF I was one of the kids and I just stopped speaking to him completely. I don't know how we can ever come to a mutual understanding in this area and that makes me so sad. I love him very much and I LOVE these kids. I want us to be a family but there has to be some sort of balance.
Growing up I witnessed my mother and father interact with one another everyday as a couple and as parents. They shaped my idea of "family," and I believe whole heartedly that a family's foundation begins with the two people at the center, the parents. That foundation cannot become null and void when the kids come into the picture or they won't have the opportunity to observe what loving relationships look like. The parents are also there to set boundaries for the children and to raise them as individuals NOT placate them every minute of the day. I certainly don't know everything about being a perfect parent OR partner but I do beieve that there can be a happy medium.
Sorry for the insanely long post.....as you can see I had a lot to get off my chest and look forward to getting people's feedback. I think I worry that because I struggle with the situation (being a "parent," making certain sacrifices, disagreeing with some of the ways that my BF parents) that there is something wrong and maybe I don't truly love them because if I did I would have no problem with anything.
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Well first of all,
Well first of all, everything you feel, want, need, expect...from what I'm reading here is very normal and reasonable. What you are experiencing is common in step situations...except for the child's illness (though I'm sure it's not uncommon really either for a stepfamily to deal with these things). It just adds a significant amount of stress and unique quality to the situation. Few things are as traumatic as facing the mortality of your child.
I could probably say a lot that won't help per se, but might comfort you in that you're not alone, but if you read around here you'll know that. The most important thing for you to understand right now though I think is this is not probably going to significantly change for the better any time soon. If you stay a part of this family it is going to be FRIGGIN hard for a really FRIGGIN long ass time and may always be hard. Will the good outweigh the bad one day...maybe? I've been through two step situations and I know this without a doubt....it all depends on the adults in the situation. The kids handle the divorce and stepfamily situation only as well as the adults...generally speaking. The most important of the two is your spouse...so if he isn't doing a good job of making you a priority and making his kids and ex know that...then that is a really bad sign.
Hi, Your emotions and some
Hi,
Your emotions and some of your experiences (minus the child illness) mirror many of mine and many of those blending families, from what I have seen on this site.
You can find community here, read about others' experiences and not feel so alone or perhaps even dysfunctional (as I used to feel) in yours. It is something that is 1000- no perhaps even 1,000,000 X harder than anything I was prepared for. We too waited to introduce me into his son's life, we love each other so tremendously, SS (to-be, we are not married yet) and I like each other generally and get along well (and yes, his ex is manipulative, narcissistic, nasty, and passive-aggressive).
So why when we got engaged did all of it change? For so so so many reasons, I have come to understand. In order to keep this posting short I will pass along some advice that has been given to me in the few months I have been on here:
1) Buy the book _Stepmonster_. Read it and have your partner read it after- with openness and without judgment. I cried when I found the first 30 pages online on Google books b/c there was suddenly something that spoke to me and understood my experience in all this.
2) Don't engage in the same arguments over and over and over trying to convince the other of your experience/perspective in this blending process. Start therapy around this specific issue you can, but know that it will be a challenge to ever resolve these arguments b/c each of your perspectives is valid and so deeply personal.
3) Create whatever boundaries you need to to protect yourself. Try to not let yourself feel guilty about them- your partner may be saddened by then (my partner had a very specific idea about the stepmom I would be, which isn't who I am with his son, nor how our relationship is developing. I know that my partner is sad about this). But protect yourself or your resentment will grow.
4) Don't lose yourself. This is so easy to do- but hold onto who you are, what you as an individual brings to this family, what your needs, likes, and how you like to spend time.
Good luck. It isn't easy. I check in with myself frequently about the "is it worth it question." I something waver on the answer, in truth. But for now, it is.
haha get out now while you
haha get out now while you can! kidding, its normal, ive been coping for 3 yrs now, its not gonna be easy hun
I am going to start by
I am going to start by repeating what everyone has so far...most of this, unfortunately, is normal to the joys to step parenting.
BM's, for the most part, have a really hard time accepting a new woman in, not only their ex's life, but in their children...and from all I've heard and experienced, most go crazy over it!
My stepson's mother used to pull the same crap...not dropping him off to me, not letting me be in the car when my husband (then boyfriend) picked him up, making obnoxious demands and accusations, and otherwise making our lives hell. (she has since gone to prison, and recently been released, so her behavior has "calmed"-in no way become okay or easy to handle)
The questions "why am I in this relationship" "why am I putting myself through this" "is this worth it so young" are all normal. Before we got married I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that I loved my husband more than anything in the world and would go through anything with him. I also realized I loved my stepson and believe I'm in his life to support and protect him.
Nothing about this life called step parenting is easy, but it's worth every bit of crazy sh*t we go through because of what we get out of it. A partner who appreciates us for all that we are and then some (remember, he knows what a bad relationship is) and children who we get to love and watch grow!
Good Luck, we're all here for you!
Getting married doesn't
Getting married doesn't change much for the positive in my experience either. I noted you mentioned that a couple of times. I know that having him make that committment to you might change something for you personally, but the marriage part actually tends to cause even more of an avalanche of BS on your head, at least at first, if you haven't been accepted as a member of the family. BM freaks, the kids freak and then freak again cause BM freaked....I'd really think long and hard if this is what you want if I were you...cause I think what you are hearing here is like the lady in the Dear Abby post on here...what you are preparing to get is more of the same more than likely and maybe worse. The rewards, well, FOR ME they have been few and far between. I love my husband dearly, but it wears on my and poisons our relationship with resentment on a daily basis that he can't handle his daughter properly.
Thank you guys for your
Thank you guys for your posts it helps a lot. I think A) it is helpful to know that it IS normal because I think a lot of times when I try to talk to my BF about it his perspective is so different that it makes me feel as though something were wrong with me. You know my close friend also said this weekend that one thing I would have to come to terms with at some point is understanding that my BF and I will never come to an agreement regarding our different points of view because we are speaking from two diferent but very valid places. That definitely stuck with me because I think there is a lot of truth to that and I automatically thought "SHIT, how am I going to come to a sense of peace about that!"
I think understanding that the situation is not something that magically disappears one day is also good to know because it's important to have reasonable expectations.
You will never see eye to
You will never see eye to eye with your BF all of the time. The most you can expect is being able to see the other's point of view and understanding where each other is coming from...agreeing to disagree is an important thing to be able to do in ANY relationship.
You can't expect anything to change just because "WaLa, we're married"...if you're happy now, you'll be happy then, if you're fed up now, you'll continue to be fed up. Healthy relationships are built on respect, understanding, and communication.
My highest recommendation
My highest recommendation would be that you take that support from family, friends, wherever you can get it, maybe even a counselor that is objective. Think long and hard about the committment you are making and what it is going to mean. There is a grieving process and you'll want to think about the day you want your own kids and read about how that dynamic works out for folks...but mostly, get some distance and reflect on making this a decision you are choosing...not that the situation has chosen you.
I can honestly say that I
I can honestly say that I have felt or do feel a lot of the same feelinsgs you are. I have been with Fh for 3 years now and although some things have gotten better, a lot of things have gotten harder. We got engaged alomst a year ago now and he has put more responsibility on me now than he did beofre. I know I will never feel the feelings for his daughter that he wants me too. I also a lot of the time feel neglegted, ignored, etc. I agree with what you said about your kids coming first in your life but I am still a person with feelings too. In my situation we have her Mon-Fri and he works every day but Tues so I have to get her from daycare, feed her, bathe her, do any thing that needs to get done for her school, get her ready for bed while he gets home at 9:00 and she goes to bed. I feel very overwhelmed sometimes too. It's not easy being a step parent and I'm not sure that I would reccommend it to anyone BUT I am willing to hang in there and try to work it all out. SO I guess that's what I would say to you too. HAng in there...if you truly love each other then it should work itself out. Good Luck and keep us posted.
Well I think we have ALOT in
Well I think we have ALOT in common!! I am 25 and a new stepmother to 3 kids under the age of 6. We get them for visitation every other weekend. My BF and I have been together 1 and 1/2 years and he proposed on our one year anniversary. His Ex wife is a royal BITCH!! She tried to steer me away from him when we first started dating. i just had a baby boy (3months old) and she is jealous of our baby!! All I can say is hang in there if you really love him because the relationship can be rewarding as long as he APPRECIATES your hard work. If you ever want to talk Im here:)