Should it be OK to talk to your partner about reservations you have around Skids?
My feeling is that it should be OK to be open and upfront (with some sensitivity, of course) about our true feelings in relation to skids. I think it's something you each have to be able to discuss, accept, and work with.
Before my gf and I agreed to a separation period, I guess I was reaching a sort of threshold level of frustration, boredom, irritation - I just couldn't hold the feelings of resentment and irritation in any longer - and doing so was literally impacting my wellbeing.
I guess I just couldn't take one more incident of a skid interrupting our conversation, shrieking "mama!" at the top of their voice from wherever they are and expecting her to jump, her jumping to that tune, the way they could do no wrong, the way they climbed on everything, made us late for everything. I felt suffocated by them and their needs, their elevated level of importance in everything we did, their self-oriented focus, their constant invasion of their mum. It all just felt too much. And if I heard her call either of them "beautiful one" or "gorgeous boy" again I just wanted to scream.
I am sure these feelings reflect something significant about my own deeper needs and feelings around my gf. They may connect to something primal, something possessive, something jealous. They may also simply connect to the fact that it's just fu**ing hard to develop feelings for kids that aren't yours and being exposed to something irritating for long enough starts to wound.
I don't know - but I see these sorts of feelings are commonplace here and it's such a relief to feel they are...not a sin.
My point is that I tried to raise my feelings with my gf before we decided to take a break. I tried to say that I was worried that the balance of our relationship had tipped way too far in favour of skid-centred time, and way too far away from the amount of us-centred, skid-absent time - and I felt that the most rewarding and enjoyable time for me was the latter and not the former. I guess I had to explain, then, why I find the skid-centred time so demanding, stressful and exhausting - and not so enjoyable (read: I f**king can't stand it any longer) - and if that's all we have then this whole thing isn't doing it for me.
I tried to say it as kindly as I could. I tried to be honest and open. But it didn't go down very well. My gf has this week been berating me for the fact she says "I hate her kids," that she "needs someone who adores them," that I'm "not the man she thought I was" if I can't be an adoring role model for them, that "if I don't love this part of her then I don't love her."
Clearly, what I tried to say has wounded her deeply. I really tried hard to say it's NOT that I don't see the good in her kids. It's just that I didn't fall in love with them. I find being around them draining and exhausting. I appreciate it matters to her that her family unit is precious - but I know I need a balance between that and our alone time (and time alone with my own son who I parent full time). Without the balance, it just doesn't feel sustainable.
Now, I know it's not possible to MAKE yourself enjoy something you don't enjoy. For the most part, with some exceptions, hanging out with the skids is something I do because I "ought" to, or "have" to - not because I "want" to. I think the same is frequently true of my gf in relation to my son.
I feel that having an honest and open conversation about these sorts of feelings is better than not. I don't feel like it would bother me all that much if my gf wished to talk about her feelings of resentment and resistance to my son, for example. But she has taken huge offense to me trying to talk about these feelings in relation to her children. She says I've hurt her deeply, wounded her, overstepped a mark, and that they are children, how dare I.
I wish it were possible to allow these sorts of feelings to be put on the table and discussed, understood, and accepted. I think it might be better for everyone in the long run. But she's taken such huge offense that I'm wondering if it's a good idea to raise and try to discuss with your partner after all? What are your thoughts?
YES, you should be able to do
YES, you should be able to do that. I have to say, my DH was good about that - he never once said "you hate my kid," or tried to make me the problem. He listened to my concerns and didn't dismiss my feelings. BUT, my DH was the rare good parent on this site. He didn't think rainbows came from his son's butt, and he wasn't afraid to set limits and be a real parent, even in the face of losing his son to alienation (which he eventually did).
Let her do it
Let her go find somebody who "adores her kids". I wish her every success.
No, you haven't done anything wrong. You tried to have an adult conversation about an issue that was important to you and her, also. I'd let this separation be permanent and go find someone who either doesn't have kids, or who is mature about them. Good luck.
The only person who will
The only person who will adore her kids as much as she does is maybe their dad. Or, if there are multiple dads, nobody is going to adore all her kids equally to the way she does. "You just hate my kids!" Is a cop-out. You might hate their behavior if she isn't parenting well. You might resent their presence if she doesn't make time for you and expects you to settle for the scraps of time between worshipping her kids.
NEXT!
NEXT!
Sorry if that seems crass, but seriously...your gf is as exhausting as her kids.
It's ok to decide a relationship isn't a good fit for a variety of reasons, it's not ok to continually try to shoe horn yourself (and your child) into a life(style) that just isn't working.
Don't waste your life on something less than what you need to be happy.
Ha! Adore their kids. She's
Ha! Adore their kids. She's living in a fantasy world. Some days I don't even like the skids. I'm very upfront with my DH regarding them. I think they are lazy, dirty, and can be rude. And I tell him that's not how I would have raised my kids. But i still care for them in the way that I want to see them do good, have every opportunity my kids have, be happy and healthy. He doesn't say "I hate them", usually he agrees. And he is particularly receptive to advice. I don't tend to make decisions for him regarding them but I do give input, and he tries hard. So I'll give him that. I tell him they stress me out, and he tries to find ways to make it less stressful- and that's what I think all one can hope for. If your partner isn't willing to bend and meet in the middle this might not be the relationship for you.
An idiot failed family
An idiot failed family breeder slinging the "Your're not the man I thought you were" card while whining about you not adoring her toxic failed family failed breeding experiments makes that failed family breeder a write off.
Do not give her any space in your head or a second of consideration.
It is completely possible to have these types of conversations with a quality partner though nearly impossible to have these conversations with an idiot who worships the product of the pelvic area during a prior, or even current, relationship. The adult relationship and the partners must be the priority for each other. Kids are the top relationship responsibility for both partners, regardless of kid biology, but never do kids of any biology trump the partners/relationships.
In the case of a partner who brings failed family progeny to a new relationship, the new partner must be absolutely clear with the prior breeder that the behavior of the prior family children will be what determins the relationship that the new partner has with their SKids. Child worship will ruin a relationship in short order when those kids are ill behaved rather than effectively parented well behaved young people.
IMHO of course.
Use your separation to end this and get on with your life.
Don't blame yourself for your
Don't blame yourself for your GF's irrationality. You tried to have an adult conversation, she didn't want to hear it. That's her problem, not yours. If she's not willing to even try to address a problem so that her supposed partner is happier, then she is not the partner you need.
I'd take her up on the idea that she needs someone who adores her kids. Give her that space. And good luck to her.
You were right
to attempt having an honest conversation about an important matter that was affecting your relationship. I don't believe any relationship can be healthy and happy unless a couple can discuss things honestly with each other, especially the really important things. It sounds like she can't hear the truth about her kids and their behavior, and it also sounds like she doesn't prioritize what you need to feel satisfied in your relationship going forward. I don't see a happy future for any of you unless she can make some huge changes. I agree with the others that you should move on. She is unlikely to find a man willing to accept her and her kids until she makes those changes. You sound like a thoughtful, caring man with a thinking head on his shoulders. You'll have other choices, better partner options.