This is a paper I wrote for one of my last classes for college. I was asked to share so here goes:

A relationship can bring on many changes in one’s life, especially when the relationship involves prior spouses and children. Whether a person or someone they know is already a step parent, becoming one or has a child with a step parent, they know the life of someone in a blended family can be difficult. A blended family involves two biological parents, the step parent, or the biological parents’ spouse, and the child or children. Blended families allow for someone of no relation to a child and the child’s parent, to be placed in an environment that is fragile and draining at times. There are many feelings that get tucked away in a blended family. Some of these feelings may include hatred, jealousy, feeling overwhelmed, a feeling of being lost, and underestimated. Today, there are over 1,300 blended families just in the United States alone and it was predicted that in 2000, over half of today’s families would be blended ones. Blended families are a difficult lifestyle but a rewarding one overall. Blended families are becoming more common as years go on. Statistics show that over 50 percent of United States families are re-married or re-coupled. Even though the obstacles may not be blatant, there are several struggles within blended families because it can be extremely difficult and an ever-changing journey for everyone involved.
The relationship developed between the biological parent and the opposing step parent can be a harmonious or unsettling one. Communication is vital in a blended family setting. If communication is neglected, several disagreements and conflicts can arise. There is a need for all parents to remain mature and handle any or all conflicts away from the child. In order for the child to settle into a blended family happily, they need to see every adult working together rather than against each other. If the child can recognize that their parents are a team, they can feel more assured and therefore their environment is more stable. Should any conflict arise between step parent and birth parent, it is best for all adults to not take anything personally. The easiest way to stop a conflict or argument is to focus on the child and what their needs are. It is easy to get carried away in a confrontation but again, either parent must remember to put all notions aside and do what is best for the child. Besides miscommunication, discipline can be a hard matter to master. Discipline can be a smooth process or one which takes a long time to settle into. Discipline is easy when all a parent has to say to a child is, ‘all right, here are the rules, follow them,’ but in a blended family, the rules that are set need to be parallel in both households. The child’s rules to follow should not be too different between households so that the child can have an easy transition every time they stay at either place. If the rules of either household conflict, or if the child has a hard time adjusting, both the biological parents and step parents should discuss altogether the best and most effective way to discipline the child.
Life after divorce can put a strain on anyone. Statistics show, that 50 percent of women and 30 percent of men were still intensely angry with their former spouses. These kinds of feelings can harbor stress on the relationship between parent and child. Statistics show that a majority of parents of divorce are chronically disorganized and unable to parent efficiently. A prior divorce can also be hard where their child now has a step parent. For the birth parent, allowing some they do not know, to have a good relationship with the former spouse as well as their child can be very hard on them. Even if as a birth parent, they are willing to welcome the step parent and get to know them, the step parent may feel intimidated and unwilling; therefore making a bad, lasting first impression. If the birth parent and step parent find that they cannot get along, communication should only be on a need-to-know basis. The two do not need to be the best of friends; they only need to remain civil, especially around the child. If the birth parent finds the step parent to not be involving themselves as much as what is healthy for the family, they should be included with the child’s extracurricular activities. This can be a way for the whole family to bond. In order for the blended family to continue down a cordial and advancing road, both parties should come together for the sake of the child. The birth parent should understand that even though there is another person in his or her child’s life, their love cannot ever be replaced.
The relationship with someone with children from a previous marriage can be very stressful. The person who becomes the step parent is thrown into an environment where they are forced to step up. Even if the person has children themselves, they now have another child to care for regardless of age the child is. It was shown in 2000 that 75 percent of women who married men with children say they would not do it again. The life of a step parent can be stressful at times, especially when they feel they cannot make executive decisions themselves. Often, step parents find that the way a child is disciplined can be a tough subject. They may feel they do not have the right to discipline or set rules for their step child. The step parent and their spouse should reach a consensus for the specific discipline and rule structure they are struggling with. After the rules have been set, each parent must stick to and follow through with his or her agreement and act as a team. If the child witnesses stress and disorganization, they could act out in reach of more attention. Many step parents believe their step child craves too much attention from them. A non-cohesive parent and step parent can sometimes be the cause. To help curb the craving for attention the child may have, they should be involved in little activities daily. These activities can be something with either parents or a side project with just one. Include the child in activities during the times when they would normally be trying to entertain themselves. Involving the step child in activities both child and parent enjoy can give the child the attention they may need and a time to bond.
Not only can the step child crave extra attention, so can the parents. Either parent can feel neglected by their spouse because of the constant demand from the children. Feeling neglect from a spouse can be easily triggered with the step parent because they may experience a harsh lifestyle change. The step parent could have moved from a single, perhaps child free life, to a married life with step children to care for. When spouses do not feel connected, it almost makes it impossible for them to work as a team. One of the best ways to give everyone the caring and loving they desire is to confirm a steady custody schedule. This will allow for the parents to build a more solid schedule for themselves as well as the family as a whole. A step parent can feel lost at times and do not know where to turn for answers. In fact, 75 percent of step families say that they have suffered from lack of resources. There are plenty of online resources including people in the same position, now that step parenting is becoming more common. A step parent should never hesitate to ask for help. There are plenty of people who know all about blended families and can help. There is no doubt that step parenting can be difficult, 66 percent of step families living together break up when children are involved. Blended families also take a toll on the children who are involved.

A child adapting to both their parents divorce and a blended family is a slow and fragile process. It was estimated that 45 percent of children do well after a divorce and about 25 percent have serious social or emotional problems. The good news is that most children are doing reasonably well within two years of the divorce. Both step parents and birth parents must remember that children go through a painful period of adjustment of their parents divorce and remarriage. Research shows that over time, most children recover the emotional pain and can very well be no different from children in a first time marriage.
When the step child and step parent are first getting acquainted, the child may question what they should call their step parent. Most children choose to call their step parent by their first name. The child may also question what rules they will have to follow, whether or not they should even listen to their step parent and what will happen on holidays. All these questions should be discussed all together as soon as possible. Overtime, the step child and step parent may not get along despite them trying. The child may have resentment towards something other than the step parent themselves. Many children resent their step parent because they have a difficult time sharing their birth parent with someone else. This is exceptionally so if they have step siblings. Step children should be reminded that the step parent is just another adult that is looking out for them and that it will take some time to feel happy with them. Even if the child does not live with the step parent all the time, and half do, they can still encounter these problems.
There are several people who experience a negative affect from divorce and the transition and coping with being in a blended family. Divorce is becoming more common in this day and age. In fact, the average marriage lasts seven years and one out of two marriages end in divorce.
To someone who is not directly involved, or knows someone who is, blended families can see like a simple, blended family with an adult who ends up with more children than they had before the marriage. The truth is that it is much more complicated than that. The biological parent needs to adapt to their child being loved and cared for by another person, being out of control for a period while the child is away and hoping their child makes an easy recovery and transition. The step parent needs to adapt to life with a child who is not related and find a way to love and bond with them, and to curb their aggression with the child’s birth parent. The child needs to adapt to their parents no longer living together, learning about and allowing someone else in their life, and learn how to split themselves between their two big families. Some families do not have a hard time at all with the transition into a blended family, but the majority does. The situation is not at all that the children are hard to love; it is a delicate process that takes so much more time than one might think. Most of the common obstacles become null or more stable within five to seven years. Not only do blended families mesh unlikely people together, it is a journey that is exhaustingly rewarding. “Families are about love and understanding, not about competing with each other.”