Misery, Yes, you are stuck in the middle. Your H would not be a man or a good SF if he did not try to do the right thing with your kd. The cops, teachers, principle, ministers or whatever are not his BPs either but they are going to try to point him in the right direction to improve his bad habits. Why would you not punish your son when you know that he is doing wrong? Do you expect your H to live with you and your son while you allow him to run wild without any consequences? It's also your responsibility to parent your children instead of giving him a pass because he does not have an active BF.

He's the father. Not bio, but father none the less. My DH helps me raise my son as well, he's the extra eyes that is actually the "all seeing eye" in the house! LOL! He doesn't miss a beat. He tells me most stuff, some he deals with on his own.

If this man were his bio dad and you were still married what would you expect of him, and how would you expect him to handle these situations.

You should hold your DH to no less standards. Your son may get mad, but he can get glad in the same shoes.

~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~

At first my DH thought I was spying and picking on SD13 (11 at the time) too. He told me to let him parent his daughter and to stay out of their business. So I kept my mouth closed and minded my own business until he came to me one evening a few months later and said "You won't believe what SD13 did now!" My reply was "She did A, B, C, D & E."

DH "How did you know???" My reply "What do you think happens with me around here? SD ignores me and treats me like I'm not even here. So I see everything she does, good or bad (mostly bad). She walks around here, pulling her stunts and doing stupid crap all of the time."

DH "Why didn't you tell me?" My reply "YOU said to stop telling what she was doing and to mind my own business, so I did. What the hell did you expect??"

From that point on (because SD not only thinks my IQ is in the minus column, but that I'm deaf and blind too) DH uses my eyes, ears and years of being a Daddy's girl and teenage girl to help him parent and deal with his child. I do not do any parenting, that's his job. I basically run the house and when she crosses the line into my territory I deal with it, otherwise DH takes care of all parenting issues. She still hates my guts, but she can't say I'm parenting her on any level.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

if we caught hell from ANYONE, we got it again when we get home. If your son doesn't like having his life "interfered" with by SF, then maybe he should smarten up. This is a kid manipulating the two adult parental figures against each other. I, personally, have dealt with this and my kids are told he may not be your father but he is the head of this household and will be respected as such and I will not hear of them trying to dictate what DH should or shouldn't do. He is not just a walking ATM passing out money and praise. He is an authority figure and kids have to learn to deal with authority figures all throughout their life so they may as well get used to it before the cops, teachers, judges are interfering in their life.

Not to mention, if your DH did not care how SS turned out, he wouldn't bother with him and it does sound like your son could use a good male figure in his life to point him in the right direction.

Stand firm together and support your DH. If you have any concerns about what DH is doing, make sure the kids are not aware. Keep it private and out of ear shot.

Good luck

We all smile in the same language

to trust FH with parenting my DD14. This was because he didn't have any kind of bond with her and was always on the lookout for wrongdoing as a way to justify his own daughters' behaviour (as in, "See? Your kid's a brat too!"). The way I see it, step-parents earn the right to actually parent only when they can also demonstrate that their discipline comes from a place of love and concern for the child. In my mind, FH had no business disciplining my child until he could say, "Hey DD14, I really like that you did [whatever]! Thank you!" or "Nice job," or (I should be so lucky) "I'm sorry I behaved like a jerk yesterday," in other words, treat DD14 as a human being instead of an inconvenience. Until then, he could bring any complaints to me (outside of her hearing) and I would deal with them accordingly, depending on the situation.

The most important thing for us was that FH and DD14 form a relationship based on trust, respect and genuine caring. This was impossible as long as he was continually looking for faults in her.

They do have that relationship now, 5 years later. None of us is perfect and he does slip once in a while. But now that DD14 trusts FH to actually care for her, she'll accept his authority and usually do as he asks. Especially now that he has learned to ask her in a way that defers to my authority, as in, "I don't think your mom will be too happy if the kitchen's still a mess when she wakes up."

By the way, DD14 now also trusts that when FH seems to be "trying to get her in trouble", it's because he cares about her and wants to see her grow into a happy, healthy, responsible adult. It's all in the perspective.

has played the "You're not my dad" card before and I made it quickly clear to her that that is totally unacceptable. Her bio-dad lives 3 hrs away, she sees him one weekend every 3 months, and they hardly ever talk on the phone. So in my eyes, FH IS like a father for her. He has brought more consistency to her life than her father (or even myself) ever had. I've always been pretty laid back about things but he has been on me since we moved in together that there HAS to be consistency with rules and consequences. I am so grateful to him for what he has done and in my eyes, HE is more of a dad to her than her own dad, so that whole "You're not my dad" business doesn't fly in my house. He doesn't discipline her, but he helps enforce the rules and he does it well and I won't allow her to disrespect him because of it.