I think you've figured it out...don't buy them ANYTHING! Let it ALL fall on your DH. He'll come around fast when he's overwhelmed with trekking from one shop to another, whiney skids in tow and tired from working all week. But, in order for this to work, you have to stick to your guns. Don't buy clothes, don't pay for vacations, when you go the market don't go out of your way to get the things they like. I can understand BM being concerned that SD is decently dressed, however, DH could have done a better job handling her concerns.

I'd be saying the exact same thing, I'd be adding 'oh, and here, you take your kids shopping for their stuff from now on buddy.' and 'While we're about it let's look at some other things 'I' do that is OK with you BOTH for the kids here!'
He needs to get the message...and quick! WOW! Hold your ground girl!
BM could have gotten halloween costumes for both kids...right? Guess who's not buying them next year!?
Am I correct in thinking that BM has not yet seen the costume? I might have understood her concerns when she heard 'lady gaga' but DH should, really SHOULD, have taken much more interest in his kids' costumes. You checked it out, it covered her bits, he obviously trusted you to take her to buy it but the bit about kissing BM's ass would really, REALLY, bug me too. I'd be like 'excuse me...WIFE here!'

Once again we see the stepmom going above and beyond and she is unappreciated. This stuff just gets under my skin.

How petty. Be glad you witch that the woman who takes care of YOUR kids took the time to even buy YOUR child a costume.

Lesson learned for you, but that is the problem, you are good person at heart. You did right by your SD. You let your guard down and sure enough you end up regretting it.

No wonder the step world is filled with resentment and pain.

All of this over a Halloween costume.

I stopped handling those types of things because I was tired of not being appreciated by everyone but I'll tell you it worked for me. I stopped handling all holday shopping - Halloween Costumes, Easter baskets, Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts, etc. and boy did everyone's opinon & attitude change. DH understands now how much work/money goes into it all and SS's/BM quickly caught on that it had been me all those years not Daddykins...because it turns out I'm a lot more generous and generally better at it. OH and I actually remembered to do it, so there was no mad dash on Easter morning to scrap up whatever I could from a gas station.
I imagine you'll get the same result. You want to see an inappropriate little girls Halloween costume - Send a guilty weekend Disney Daddy out with a 12 yr old girl.

I seriously think that these men have been so programmed over the years to say whatever they need to say and do whatever they need to do to make BM happy that it's just second nature. They don't even think about what they are saying or doing.

BM#2 has pulled a couple of stunts in the past to cause me to hate her with a passion and she knows this. She has tried to apologize, but I really couldn't care less... anyway, DH has told her at least 100 times not to call unless what she is calling about directly pertains to SS because it is annoying and it gets me fired up. So one day a couple of months ago, she called while I was sitting right next to DH, he said "hello" and BM said "Is she right there?" (because she of course was calling about nonsense that didn't pertain to SS) Now here is the turning point........ instead of DH saying "Yes, of course my WIFE is right here" or something along those lines, he just says "Yes" like a subservient little bitch. I flipped the hell out! His line of reasoning is always that he hates fighting with her because she is such a bitch, blah blah blah which I believe is true, but in my eyes, he would rather piss ME off by cowering to her than just growing some balls and putting an end to her bull-crap.

It's maddening, truly maddening.

Omg daizyduke same boat right here!!!!!!!!!!! My so called man is a scared lil bit** to BM 1!!!!!!!! He would rather hurt my feelings, upset me, make me insecure, undermine me than to stand up to the precious BM. Always some excuse... I don't want drama. It's just pety. Quit being insecure. I don't want it to affect my relationship with my son. Blah blah blah. Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit. Last I checked I thought you were a man. You have no problem causing problems at home for us instead of just standing upto that pos. Ugh!!!!!!!!! I wuna rip both their heads off and use them to play soccer with!!!! }:) }:)

Don't buy them a DARN thing. I would take the costume back, get my money and go get a massage! Don't you love it? We HAVE to buy things for these kids, do for them, but if the parent doesn't like what we buy or do with OUR money, they have a right to complain...mind you, they keep the MONEY, ie. exchange the costume...Heck no! If you don't like my choices, give me MY MONEY back and YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY on their crap.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Don't buy them a DARN thing. I would take the costume back, get my money and go get a massage! Don't you love it? We HAVE to buy things for these kids, do for them, but if the parent doesn't like what we buy or do with OUR money, they have a right to complain...mind you, they keep the MONEY, ie. exchange the costume...Heck no! If you don't like my choices, give me MY MONEY back and YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY on their crap.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Another thing. After all we go thru to be with these men and they have the nerve to "protect" BM's feelings over ours??!!! The nerve of these lousy bioparents. Seriously. Like we don't put up with enough but for our own husbands to put us second to not only our arch enemy but his ex wife/ baby momma?!!!!!F that. I'm so fed up. I truly am. I'm at the point of no return.

Ooooo what Herewegoagain said!!!!!!!!! Take it back!!!!!!! Tell SD that her mom didn't approve so you are taking it back and her mom is going to have to buy her a costume!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! I hope that happens to us so I can do it. Lol. I'm horrible I know but those ungrateful pos deserve it. Sorry been up sick all night, finally feel asleep and DH woke me up yelling at me for something. I started crying bc I had just fallen asleep after throwing up all night. I am mainly upset he didn't even ask how I was seeming how I have a baby and a toddler. But what's new. I take such good care of him and his brat son just to be kicked when I'm down... Sorry just one of those days. P. S. I love you all. It's so nice to finally have someone to talk to who is on my side and understands.

Does your DH normally think quickly on his feet? My FDH doesn't and I've noticed will just say something generic to deflect the conflict. I'm a pretty quick thinker and rarely get caught off guard. FDH is getting much better over time. I agree with DaizyDuke that these men are programmed to respond a certain way over time and just can't seem to break the pattern. My FDH is extremely vocal with no filter normally so I was shocked that he was so conflict adverse with BM. He explained that she used to call the police and say he threatened her after they'd argue over the phone and the police would be at his door 15 mins later. So, he learned to just agree or appease and get the discussion over with. He's at least now willing to call her on her shit when there's someone else around as a witness to what he says. (She is tech adverse and also only sporadically can afford internet & a cell so those are not reliable communication options.)

I'd be pissed too and especially at SD for being ungrateful and at BM for her ridiculous double standard. I have a hard time not doing things for my SD like buying her costume and clothes, etc. Her Mom won't do it and even though her Dad will, it's just not as much fun for her to shop with her Dad. I get it because only my Dad would take me clothes shopping and it was miserable. However, my SD is VERY grateful and loves the attention. I'm willing to deal with a tad bit of drama and financial burden because it's worth it to me for her to feel like she gets "girl time." And, I know that my FDH really appreciates it too and has my back. Even her brothers are appreciative that I do girl stuff with her. If they were not appreciative I'd be unavailable. Period.