My FDH's parents think I'm "too strict" with their precious baby granddaughter. Just because I don't allow hitting, do not tolerate shrieking fits, and rightly run interference when FMIL tries to override her son's parenting efforts to no effective point and purpose.

Now, they haven't told me to my face as much because they know that that would drive a wedge between them and me (and in effect between them and their son+granddaughter), but having heard it both from FDH and from FSIL, I find myself outright avoiding FMIL and FFIL. Part of it comes from pettiness -- seriously? A five minute time out for hitting is TOO STRICT?! No wonder your high schooler is failing out of junior year! -- but a larger part of it comes from wanting to protect myself. It seems to me these people thrive in drama and I've seen clear cut instances of FMIL making up lies (and making herself believe them) so that she can have more access to FSD3 (e.g. accusing caretakers of abuse, accusing her own son of being a bad father and threatening a custody battle, implying BM is mentally unfit when she's not, claiming FSD3 has asthma when she doesn't so that she doesn't get to go out and play -- she has to sit with grandma in the kitchen and eat cookies).

I realize this is not a long-term solution. If I'm serious about having a future with FDH, I have to confront his parents someday. I've already expressed to FDH that I'm afraid his family would make claims of abuse against me because FMIL has a way of stretching an idea (FSD breathes hard when she climbs stairs) into an inarguable fact (she has asthma). He's said he understands my concerns and feels bad about exposing me to this negative side of his family because it "gives me the wrong idea" about them.

But, I ask, how am I ever going to get the right idea about them? Especially if I cannot be with both them and the FSD at the same time for fear of a boundary conflict?

P.S. Psh, too strict. This child needs culture in her life and ambition. I set a high bar, but I'm never unfair and her reward is music, museums, botanical gardens, board games -- stuff that betters her character and stimulates her mind. What do FMIL and FFIL give her? Food, food, junk food, food, and dresses that make her look like a hooker. And the idea that it's OK to hit and cry when we don't get enough food because "she's just a baby." Bah!