Well... with Valentine's Day approaching I thought I'd share my flowers story.

This blends into something else I struggle with when it comes to my relationship with SO. (I'll explain in the end) 

In the beginning of my relationship with SO he bought me flowers often. Just because flowers. I was never a "flowers" girl but, I appreciated them none the less.

Two years in we were driving to his brothers house for his nephews birthday party. He had bought me flowers that day and he was talking about the place he would get them from and how they had "nice" ones that day.

I jokingly said to him "i think you get them more for yourself then you do for me." He replied with "no I get them for you.. I don't care about them." I said back: "well I don't really care whether you get them or not." 
 

Now I know that may have been insensitive and I didn't mean it in a negative way but, I meant it more like you don't NEED to buy me flowers. I'll add too.. I've been told that my "tone" of voice can come across as bitchy etc. and apparently this was one of those times.

WELL! This stuck a huge nerve with SO. He was so hurt etc that I said that, brought it up in multiple fights etc. I was like geezzz!! I didn't mean it like that!!! 
 

Anyways, the flowers stopped. He didn't buy me flowers for a year and half after that. 
 

One night 2 and half years ago (a year after the flowers incident) SS17 (15at the time) was off the f'n chain. Going insane!! At this point I was still engaging way more then I should have been. I finally lost it and was like I'm calling the cops this out of control. SS17 chased me down the stairs and grabbed my hoodie and was like "NOOOO HAVE MERCY ON ME!!" No joke.. can't make this up. 
 

I snapped!! I said don't put your hands on me etc! Now, SO in the middle of trying to calm him down said to SS17 he should never have touched me BECAUSE..... "I'm not family!" 
 

WOW!!!! I barely talked to SO for a week after that statement. He said how he didn't mean it. He was trying to get him to come down blah blah blah. I said.. well telling him to not put his hands on a female would have been a better apporch. I said oh if it was BM or SD it would have been ok??!! I said to him that was worse then the "flowers." 
 

So, about 5 months later (after the family comment  and a year and half after the original flowers drama) I came home from work and there were flowers on the table...

Now here is were a struggle. I brought up to SO that he doesn't buy me flowers anymore etc. then all of sudden there they are...

When I saw them honestly, the just pissed me off. I felt like he was buying them out of guilt instead of wanting to do something nice I guess... idk. 
 

I put my stuff down and didn't say anything and he was waiting for me to say something and he goes "they looked nice today" I responded with a simple.."yeah" This pissed him off. He grabs them, throws them out in the vase LOL. Says I can't move on from the "past" (might be true) 

I said to him.. "it's been a year and half and I feel the only reason you bought them is because I said something" It turned into drama and that was the finally end to flowers. it's been 3 years since that happened.

So, circling back to my struggle. I know men don't get things some times but, I feel like when he does things Iike that it's out of guilt. I don't want to guilt him into doing things for me. I just get mad. (Something I need to personally work on) 

He used to write me nice cards and stuff for my birthday and Valentine's Day.. I don't get those anymore. He thought because I said "I don't care" that it doesn't matter. 
 

Our relationship is really struggling currently. COVID isn't helping. We have had zero alone time. We went away for those few nights in nov. and that's it. That was the first time in 3 years we were away from skids for more then a night. We spent one other night away once. 
 

I bring shit up to him, he tells me he isn't happy, I'm always complaining (about the same stuff over and over) he is trying his best. IMO what happened was when BM stopped taking them, everyone got use to me just doing things, and the appreciation just faded. When in reality I don't have to do shit. I've told him this.. he doesn't get it.

To me it's like: what happened to the flowers, what happened to the nice cards... is it my own fault I don't get nice things anymore because of my own comments? I know I can be a bitch. (I'm not making excuses for SO or anything) I'm trying to work on not letting everything piss me off but, it's a struggle. 
 

Has anyone found themselves in this place? A rut of anger that you can't seem to break? Hopefully with spring around the corner, COVID hopefully fading that things turn around. Otherwise, my relationship won't make it I'm afraid of.. I don't want to break up with SO but, we are on a dark path currently.