First Time StepGirlfriend dealing with jealousy, resentment. HELP
Hello! I am 24 and dating a single dad with a 7 year old daughter. She has some behavioral issues, does not respect me and is very sarcastic and makes fun. She LOVES me but she does not give me parental respect. (As im typing this she just came in the room and was being disrespectful). She only wants to obey her father, mother and her mother's girlfriend. Bf and I have been together a year and live together. I love him so much. He is quite a closed off person and does not show a lot of love and affection, which has hurt me a lot and caused many fights. But his daughter is the one human in the world that he cuddles and kisses and lavishes attention upon, even when shes being a little brat. Even when I tell him I would love some one on one time or attention. So, naturally, I feel jealous. I feel like I have to compete with his daughter for attention. And he gets angry when I say this EVEN THOUGH when he was dating baby mama, she had a kid from another man and he was jealous of that child. So he has gone through it but because its his daughter, its like he suddenly forgets what it was like. I'm trying to show grace and patience but its hard sometimes. I need advice. Is this feeling normal? What can i do?
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I have to agree with Gimlet,
I have to agree with Gimlet, you are only just dating this man, you're young. You deserve better. I am 21, I wish I had not gotten myself into this situation myself, unfortunately I got married and now have a child with DH, it's not as easy to get up and leave. Get out while you still can. It is not going to get better and none of it is worth the stress .
Did things get better when
Did things get better when you had your child together?
No, at least in my case. I
No, at least in my case. I get all paranoid that there is constant favoritism towards the stepkid. He didn't prioritize me during the most sensitive time of my life, my pregnancy. He always put me last to go above and beyond for his daughter and so BM wouldn't bitch at him. It still stings, although he's tried to change. In my case, I feel very guilty for bringing my own baby boy into this situation, he deserved a better life. If I could do it over, I wouldn't.
Children don't make bad
Children don't make bad relationships better. They never have and never will. Babies make bad relationships even worse.
Even if we take out the
Even if we take out the disrespectful kid part, you still have the emotionally and physically unavailable partner part.
I know people say sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's foolish to think that it's not a really, REALLY big part. The biggest distinction between "friend" and "boyfriend" is the physical intimacy. Cheating on someone is considered such a big no-no that it's a dealbreaker right next to domestic violence and drug abuse.
So, not being physically available is a MAJOR problem, especially if it's already a problem in a new relationship (and a year is still very "new"). What is his hold up? Is it that he's getting all his physical and emotional needs met from his child? Does he have a low sex drive? Doesn't find you attractive? Doesn't find HIMSELF attractive?
Take it from someone whose ex withheld physical affection: it's so not worth it. To be crass, you deserve orgasms frequently. You shouldn't have to beg for a kiss or a cuddle. You shouldn't have to be patient and on only his calendar. You shouldn't have to fight or break down for him to give in.
It's. Not. Worth. It.
You're not married. You don't have to help him figure this out. Bare minimum of an adult relationship is that the other person is capable of having an adult relationship. That includes either being able to be physically there OR express why they can't be (e.g. erectile dysfunction) so that you can make an informed decision about the relationship.
If the physical part were the ONLY issue, I'd recommend some counseling and doctor's appointments to pinpoint the problem. But add in an unruly child? No. Pump the brakes on this relationship. He isn't ready to share himself with anyone but his daughter.
He is not a very physical
He is not a very physical person and I am EXTREMELY affectionate, he says he just has a low libido. I do feel like I need more affection and that it is all based on when HE wants to show me love. Which is very hard sometimes. He is a wonderful person, but has had a hard upbringing
Being wonderful and being
Being wonderful and being right *for you* are two ENTIRELY different things.
I have dated folks who are wonderful - kind, good jobs, intelligent - but for one reason or another, they weren't right for me. One gentleman had too high of a sex drive, one woman wanted to move to a major city out of state, another gentleman was looking for someone long-term when I wanted something fun, and another woman wanted something fun when I wanted something stable
Individually, they were all wonderful. If they were a store, I'd give them 4 or 5 stars. I'd highly recommend them...for someone else.
Think of it like eating delicious chocolate, knowing it's delicious, but still not really liking chocolate. Or understanding that Chris Hemsworth is handsome even if he doesn't rev your engine. You can appreciate quality while also understanding that it's not your cup of tea.
As much as it may pain you, that may be what the issue is here. A relationship doesn't have to be bad for it to be wrong. It's about compatibility, not how wonderful someone is.
A "wonderful" man wouldn't
A "wonderful" man wouldn't let his past dictate his relatioship with you. A "wonderful" man will show you affection and WANT to meet your needs.
That's why people date!
The whole point of dating is to see if you are really compatible. Not just superficially. Really compatible for a lifetime. Do you express affection the same way. Is he emotionally available to you. Not just sex (but don't underestimate the importance!). Willing to show you the big and little ways you matter to him. If he's already lacking in this department while you're dating, it will not get better in 10 years or 20 years through the tough teens and the fading looks!
You tried a relationship and learned something about yourself. Hopefully what you learned is what you will NOT put up with in your next relationship! Now get yourself out of this before you find yourself pregnant and "in even deeper". My DD is your age. I would be devestated if she "settled" at such a young age. Don't settle. Find someone that adores you and isn't afraid/damaged/unwilling to show it!
(And FYI - I think that's the first time in my years and years here I have ever said leave!). Screw up your courage and go find yourself, and then find the person for you...with this lesson firmly learned!
I hope you listen to all the advice
You are 24. Find someone without the baggage.
Also you are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Everything will get worse later on.
Move on and don't look back. Steplife is hard enough with a supportive partner don't try it with someone who doesn't have your back.
What I dont get is how in
What I dont get is how in only a year he has gone from being more affectionate and sweet and now I tend to feel taken for granted, expected to do a lot for SD and still be chill and happy about everything even when Im struggling with relationship issues. I cannot hold the family together like I feel like I need to when I feel oftentimes neglected and ignored. So many people have said to just stop doing so much for bf and the kiddo but I feel like theyd be kinda screwed without me. We use my car, i do all the shopping and errands, doing all the wife stuff without having the commitment of marriage and my own child. Which i want very badly. I feel like Im being a wife type person but im only 24 and I also want to be desired and flirted with and appreciated. I get it, kids come first. But i wish I was a priority at least sometimes.
You're being used my love.
You're being used my love. Please get out.
Are you sure?
I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with Gimlet. You are young. Enjoy your twenties. You can't get them back.
Based on my own experience, I have to say I don't believe this situation will get better. Honestly, he probably knows what he is doing and that would make him not really a nice guy. Consider carefully if you want to pursue this.