I started out the same way you did. They are DH's kids, I married him, therefore, I care for his kids SS13 and SD19. Thankfully they are not small children. I also have a painful chronic disease and I've been dealing with my sister and her advanced cancer for over two years now. I go to all her appts., I'm with her when she's in the hosp., etc..and all the stress that goes along with that. So as the year went on, I starting resenting the skids. They're really pretty good kids and not the main problem...BM is the main problem, but they were HERE so I resented them. Then I felt guilty about that, much like you.

That is why I found this site, which has been a TREMENDOUS relief to me. I found out I'm not alone and not unusual. Neither are you!! I talked to DH about my feelings and was very honest with him. He is very supportive, which really helps a lot.

I guess I would urge you to talk more with DH and be honest with him. Hopefully you can work on your feelings together. Let him know that you are overwhelmed with all your responsibilities and need some help. It seems like they forget we're ill if we don't "look sick". If there is something you just cannot do, don't do it. Come here and vent so you can talk to DH reasonably. I don't think anything good can come if you just blow a valve with him. He'll get defensive and all you'll do is fight. Hopefully DH will understand where you're coming from and support you. Don't be too hard on yourself...you are NOT alone in your feelings and you are completely NORMAL!!

Hang in there!! {{{Hugs}}}

I can completely relate. You, sort of, become this "mean" person and you can't believe it. We weren't mean before skids. You aren't horrible - the situation you are in is forcing you to cope in this fashion. Keep talking to DH and if he agreed with the "double standard" he was setting, you're already ahead of the game, girl. Well, already ahead of the game would mean you weren't in this situation (!!) but when you have a DH who does bend, who does self reflect, who does look at his own behavior and admits it is a cause of this effect - at least you have somewhere to go. Keep your head up. Enjoy your birth children - still take time for yourself. With DH and you on the same page - I am sure you can make this situation easier for you.

Wow, amazing how much we all seem to have in common. My FDH has SD4 and I often feel the same way about her. I work the weekends shes here and then I want to come home and save myself and BS7months by having to go get groceries or whatnot.

Since Ive joined the page, Ive been a more positive SM and I think FDH and I have been more openly discussing things we would have never been able to talk about without some1 getting heated. Truth be told, often the way I feed about SD is the same way he feels as well. He has said numerous comments that indicate he isnt looking forward to her coming or is ready for her to go home already.

I think its hard for the NCP to be honest about how they feel about their kids. They have little impact and often the kids dont even care if they seen them or not. Its a tough situation, but thats no excuse for DH/FDH/BF etc to act the way they do and expect you to pick up the slack!

I could have wrote everything u just said!!! I feel exactly the same way as u do. At first I wanted to help the man I love raise his kids. But after 4 years, I now disengage. I work full time then come home to messy house, loud video games- basic chaos. I only have an infant that I want to spend my time with. I just don't want to be around them. They have Bio parents that should be doing what I am. I've stopped helping with homework, doing their laundry. I disengage and it has helped me gain some sanity. I do the same as u -- trying to be out the house as much as possible. I just hate staying locked up in my room with my baby because I don't want to be around skids. I'm very thankful I found this site because its reassuring to know that "we"the step -moms are not mean or crazy. How is it that almost every step parent has very similar issues and feelings
VENT away that what this site is for

I agree-my dh wont admit it but I think he does not really enjoy ss's visits either-it's definitely not the kind of relationship he would want with his son-but I think the guilt of admitting that is too much. Our lives run so much more smoothly when ss is not present-he is not interested in being part of our family and lets us know it constantly with both words and actions. He's 13 and he's been a part of our family since age 1-so you would think he would accept it by now-but he does not-he is still pining away about his parents divorce that happened when he was an infant.

He used to live with us full time and I was the primary parent. I potty trained this kid, sat with him in the ER for hours when he was ill, took off work to take him to his psychaitrist appts, went to all his parent teacher conferences and I have nothing to show for it EXCEPT my self-respect. He wants nothing to do with me, if he is required to visit us he typically does what he can to show us all he cant stand us (steal, lie, be destructive). I dont like him-it does make me feel "evil" sometimes-but I know that I gave 110% for many, many years (about 8 or 9)and I continue to get the same sucky results so I have thrown in the towel. I leave the door open just a crack-if he ever would be willing to show that he can make some consistent behavior changes then I honestly would accept him back into my home on a full time basis-but until then I just have to maintain my boundaries. Makes so much sense to me-but when others hear that the "wicked" sm refuses to allow ss to live there-well then it all looks like I AM just evil. That he is a sweet innocent child and I've just chosen to be mean to him. Sigh.

I too was in the same boat n did everything for my skids in the beginning....but I had the EVIL BM issue that would call my DH 4 times a day to complain about how she basically felt I was trying to take her place n that I didn't know my place (but only in regards to her daughter mind u...she was fine with me doing anything n everything with her son!!) while I love my DH...he seems to b brainwashed by this woman n bends to her every whim.....so he would tell me to back off n consider how she is feeling (now her complaints were for things like painting her nails or taking her shopping...) so after years of hearing that n realizing that BM had turned into something seriously evil due to her children liking me more than her...I decided to back off since that was what my DH had been telling me to do n so that BM could have a better relationship with her kids....so after awhile my DH decided he didn't like that....n I just needed to go back to the way things were.....but by that time too much damage had been said n done by my DH n BM n I had started to resent the skids just as u r saying!! The sad part is that it's not their fault n it is very sad that they wind up stuck n the middle of the parents drama n issues....

Something that helped me was to focus on being a wife to ur husband n not a mother to his kids n UR marriage will b all that more stronger....also-if it gets TOO bad....just try to think of his kids as ur friends kids....n the sense that they come over to visit-u r polite n nice-n then they go back home....

Hang in there!!!