Understanding the Other Side...
The PAing BM
Yep, that's me...or at least from BS6's bio father's perspective! I'm 100% sure that any SO that is has been, will be, or is currently in bio's life will NEVER know the TRUE story behind why bio is not a part of BS6's life (unless she got ahold of some of my PROOF!) I'm 100% certain the narcissistic bio would NEVER be willing to risk himself looking bad by admitting the things he did to me and the CHOICES HE MADE to be absent from BS6's life since birth and the lengths he was willing to go to avoid paying CS while at the same time trying to use the court to retaliate against me for NOT resorting to the "shady" means he suggested for terminating the pregnancy and then his parental rights after birth!
The Guilt-Parented Teenager
Yep, that's me too...or at least it was! My parents divorced when I was 2yo so I never remember them as a couple, but I do remember visiting my father EOW and being a perfectly "NORMAL" selfish, lazy, hedonistic teenager! Hey, its not my fault my father CHOSE not to PARENT me when I visited and even after I went to live with him full-time, but at least I had the values instilled in me by my mother that saved me from being a "loser" as an adult, and least I didn't have a SM to drive crazy (my father didn't remarry until after I was an adult, so SMs dodged the bullet on that one!)
The "Handicapping" BM
Yep, me again! Actually I never realized it before, but after reading several posts on this site I'm sure my own BS6 would probably be considered an incompetent "brat" if some of the women in this site was his SM! Why do I say this? Well, I still do a lot of things for my BS6 that many of you believe (and maybe rightfully so) that BS6 should be doing on his own. I still pour BS6's bowl of cereal and milk. I still bathe and even brush and floss BS6's teeth on ocassion. I still pick out BS6's clothes and make up his bed on most mornings, and I rocked my BS6 to sleep every night until he was 4yo! Yes, I admit it, and you know what, I'm NOT ashamed! I DO realize that my BS6 IS CAPABLE of doing most of these things on his own, but I enjoy being BS6's mother and doing these things for him, so what might appear to be a "chore" for a SM is nothing of the sort to me! I never minded waking up at the crack 'o dawn to watch Saturday morning cartoons with my son and I don't think I'll ever tire of doing "motherly" things for him because certainly in a few short years the things he will allow me to do for him will become less and less, I know I will miss these years immensely when they are gone! If that makes me a "handicapping" BM so be it, but don't confuse this with being a "coddling" mom! I am BS6's MOTHER, NOT his FRIEND (told BS6 many times I don't care to be his friend but I LOVE being his MOM!), I do discipline him when he needs it, he does NOT get everything he wants, and he has been trained in the art of being clean and organized since he was about 2yo among other things, so I hope the good values I've taught him balance out the bad!
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Comments
Oh, how sweet! Thank very
Oh, how sweet! Thank very much!
I'm okay though, really. Actually I was very humbledg to realize that I can see BOTH SIDES of most of the issues I read about on this site, but I guess I've always known this, which is why I was SO HAPPY to find this site because I LOVE being able to vent here and not take it out on anyone who doesn't deserve it (like the SKs).
Actually I remembered another one too:
The Unaccepting (Unwanted) Adult SK
Me again! When my BM married my SF I was only 4yo and loved my SF very much! However, when my BM and SF started having children of their own together my SF began to treat me (and my older sister) very differently from his children with my BM, and of course that was NOT in a positive way. To this day I have a very strained relationship at best with my xSF (BM & SF divorced after 16 years of married after I was already an adult) and I held a lot of resentment against my BM many years into adulthood for ALLOWING my SF to treat me the way he did. This of course makes me VERY SENSITIVE to any differences in treatment between my BS and my SKs by my H because I would never want my BS to feel about me & H the way I felt about my BM & SF all of those years! Also, it makes me understand those who are dealing with challenges with adult SKs from that perspective because I know was very disrespectful to my SF as I got older especially after I went to live with my own dad to the point that I was forbidden to stay with my mom when I came to visit after I was already an adult! However, I do still feel my actions were justified in how I felt about my SF and expressing it the way I did and I would do it all over again if I had a chance if thought it would've made my mom "wake up" and divorce that jerk sooner!
"I DO realize that my BS6 IS
"I DO realize that my BS6 IS CAPABLE of doing most of these things on his own, but I enjoy being BS6's mother and doing these things for him, so what might appear to be a "chore" for a SM is nothing of the sort to me!"
That is what is so important to understand. As a SM you virtually never get to build that intense connection with the skid simply because you didn't birth them or help parent them during the developmental years like birth to age 5. If you did have that opportunity, then I think you could bond significantly enough to feel a "mother's" love for them. I am sorry you've had a rough time,
I do wish you a bright and happy future. It sounds like your son will benefit from all the love and caring, because you do it with discipline too.
Yes, I TOTALLY understand the
Yes, I TOTALLY understand the difference, as I am became a SM to SS and SD when they were 14yo and 8yo respectively, and that part of the reason why I'm here!
aww just reading this makes
aww just reading this makes me want to have my own children sooner
My sd is 6 also, but she is really clumsy so she doesnt get her own cereal, she will help me pour the milk, but still spills it. She does brush her own teeth, but not very well so dh usually stands near her to make sure she is doing a good job. We still pick out her clothes too (but give her options like this tee shirt or that) because there is this one tee shirt she LOVES to wear everytime she is at our house and she would wear it everyday. One time she was with us for a week and wore it the first day. I purposely didnt do laundry till the last day! lol she asked me everyday if she could wear it too, even though she knew it was dirty!
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. The difference is you said that you do these things on occasion. You understand that your son 6. My step sons are 14, 13, and 10 and bm still brushes their teeth. You understand there is a time when you have to let go hence you stopped rocking him when he was 4. My bm doesn't understand that concept. It is not in her mind set that these boys are more than capable of dressing themselves, taking a shower themselves anything you name it. She won't even let them get a drink themselves. She threw a fit when she heard they had to clean up after themselves here. I mean they are so dang bad about throwing their crap and trash everywhere that even dh's sister and mom said something to dh about it. I was expected to clean up after 7 people!!! I think NOT!
This is what my bm has done
This is what my bm has done with her kids. They feel that a simple task like getting dressed they shouldn't have to do. Mommy will do it. IT gets really bad sometimes and dh gets very frustrated b/c he sees the difference in my kids vs his kids in the fact that you have to tell his boys to brush their teeth 10 times before they will do for themselves. You have to tell them 10 times to get ready for bed, they will stand there and stare at you like they have NO idea what to do and they are teens! I understand that that is why they are they way they are but still it is frustrating.
It was so bad for me about bed time that I would leave at that time so dh would have to deal with them a few times and FINALLY he got the point! Lets just say that when we tell them to go to bed at 10pm dh doesn;t get to bed till 12am! Dh wasn't getting it till I made him deal with them on nights he had to work the next day.
Yes, a 6 year old should
Yes, a 6 year old should certainly be capable of getting his own cereal and milk. He should have been capable of doing for a number of years by the time he's 6. My 3 year old has been doing it on her own for ages.
But that is the difference in
But that is the difference in a bio and step mother. Your love is unconditional, you have that connection. I will do these things if asked by skids, but I won't do it b/c they are so super loved and I'm all fuzzy and warm. I will do these things for my grandson b/c he is my baby boy and like you, he will not want me around much in a few years....already no hugs and kisses when I come or go from him :(.
Plus the rship with the skids and BM has been very rocky so I never felt I had the right to treat them like my own so I never have.
I have to say I have never
I have to say I have never heard of brushing a child's teeth? That seems a little excessive to me and I don't recall ever having my teeth brushed by another person?
Oh yeah, I do have a "thing"
Oh yeah, I do have a "thing" about oral hygiene. I have pretty much perfect teeth & BS6 inherited this from me so I try to keep it that way. Actually the pediatric dentist is the one who told me most children still need assistance with PROPER toothbrushing until about age 8! Yeah, I know, but I'd rather save the money on dental bills down the road if I can. So I only did the bedtime brush/floss & let BS6 handle the morning brush/rinse (with real alcohol-based mouthwash without swallowing!) for the past couple years, and now just started letting BS6 handle the bedtime brush/floss too since he turned 6 a few weeks ago.
MommyLove. You sound like a
MommyLove.
You sound like a great mom to me and you were a pretty good teen too.
Now if you were doing these things for your son and he was 16 rather than 6 I might have a different opinion.
Best regards.
Ha - I just watched an
Ha - I just watched an episode of SuperNanny and the 8 yo girl had constant temper tantrums. Turned out that her mother was very over protective, due to being told she couldn't have kids and did EVERYTHING for her daughter. The daughter was resentful that her mother didn't feel like she was grown up enough to do those things on her own.
I DO understand where you are coming from though, as a BM as well as a SM, I wanted to do everything for my son for as long as possible!
I confess to be a
I confess to be a "handicapping" BM, too. My BD13 now visits her BF and SM more often than she ever has in her entire life. She has a step sister and a step brother there as well. BD came home from a visit saying that step sibs had to do their own laundry! GASP!(they are 12 and 14) I told her that was a GREAT idea! BD does her own laundry for the most part now! I also do a lot of things for my BD, I iron her school uniform shirts, get her cereal and milk ready (I drop her off at DH house in the am when I go to work and then I go back and pick them all up and take them to school). However, the big difference is that my BD can do all these things and WILL do all these things if I tell her to. I do these things in order to give her some decompression time at the end of the day (I am a person that HAS to have everything ready the night before). If I need some decompression time at the end of the day...guess what...my BD takes care of me!!! I am so lucky!!
It's just I think that as a
It's just I think that as a biomom you tend to be more aware that kids are different and respect that. You also may take more interest in learning about things related to kids. You also have that automatic direct connection to your kids so things that would bother others won't bother you-of course, they are your flesh and blood. It's normal.
As long as it's not extreme things and not helping your child learn a damn thing-it's a parents CHOICE to parent as they see fit-what a stepparent thinks is really not a concern whatsover, nor would it be a complaint I take to heart or get worked up over-basically inconsequential
I can understand a step-parent complaining about big things-major misconduct, disrespect, bad attitudes, entitled or rude kids. But when it comes to autonomy/independence levels-every parents chooses differently-every kid is different-some want more independence earlier-some develop earlier/later. As long as you aren't hidnering your kids from learning and keep encouraging them to learn what they don't know-then really, a step-parents opinion on it-well it wouldn't matter to me-and they certainly have the right to gripe.
Ok-as to cereal-a lot of parents pour the kids cereal-a full gallon of milk is hard to hold up. My kids have done the cereal thing since an early age too-but some learn it later, no big deal. A 6yr old being served cereal is not an incompetent leech in training.
As to teeth brushing-DENTISTS recommend assistance until age 8 and sometimes a couple more years if they are finding during cleaning the child is "missing" spots-or w/supervision. Or to assist every few cleanings. So who's opinion matters?
Same with potty training-or bed wetting...the views and words to describe kids on this board make me ill but to each their own.
Putting kids to bed? Some parents rock kids till later -or chose to lay down w/the kids and talk. Others think we're creating handicapped, emotionally stunted-unable to self-sooth spoiled brats..oh well-their opinion.
As for learning to tie the shoes-some kids have problems with fine motor skills that makes it hard for them to learn. No matter HOW much you teach them. My youngest son learned it quickly-before his older brother did-my oldest had trouble with fine motor skills...it wasn't until 10 he "got it"...and even now he prefers to not mess with them. And I spent COUNTLESS hours trying to teach him, have him practice, so did his dad, gparents, etc. Yet his motor skills in general are much better then my youngest-he's the "sports" guy-has facility/ability/speed/agility with sports that just comes natural to him, he excels at any thing he does that way. Go figure-the kid that skated like a mini-pro at age 4-5 and skates at the level of a teen at his age now (just 11), couldn't even tie is darn shoes. He excelled in basketball, always the best in his team. BUT I guess if he doesn't tie his shoes i'm a lazy parent who's kid is handicapped-again the opinion really doesn't matter
I've taught my kids to do chores-not excessive, not permissive, right amount-they probably do more then boys in a 2 parent household. I think sometimes it's step-parents don't see the whole picture-the ins outs every day of what the other parent does-or that small "irritating" things may be insignificant if we are trying to model/show other important character traits, or skills that we place more value on-or are of more consequence then stupid petty shit.
It's coming from a place of love though for parents-a love that comes naturally, and the ability to not sweat small stuff because of our natural feelings with our kids-and because sometimes we see the big picture. And a velcro shoe doesn't mean anything really.