momnotmom help?
I need support from oldschool step-moms. I rasied my step-son from childhood alone with his dad. His bio-mom not present at all. He has now reconnected with her. Failing to speak to me or my husband re:the egg donor. Leaving me to feel regret. I feel as though he just wiped his feet on my heart. I totally feel as though he's my son. He is now a adult & I know this is his choice. Because she was always absent I never expected this to happen. How can I start to get over the anger and feelings of shutting him out now forever for fear of being hurt again. Mind you I heard of his reconnecting from his ex. At this point I have nothing to say to him or any desire to ever have a realationship with him again. Plus no-one I speak with understands my level of pain. In my heart I was his mommy How could he just replace me like that. It's been fifteen years of parenting for nothing...
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This is so heart
This is so heart breaking.
You know, it sounds alot like the stories you hear of adopted children seeking out their birth parents. It doesn't mean that you are not his mom, it doesn't mean that he doesn't worship the ground you walk on, it's a internal need (most of the time) to know the people that are responsible for bringing you into this world. Alot of adopted children and parents go through this.
Have faith honey, don't give up on YOUR son. He knows you are his mom.
I am one of those adopted
I am one of those adopted kids...so it is even harder for me to understand. My adopted Mom was my world (now deseased)my bio-mom could never hold a candle to her. this is why I'm so confused about his shutting us out.
I agree with Jen. I also
I agree with Jen. I also think that this is just a natrual curiousity that people with absent parents have. When I turned 18 my biofather started asking for me. I spoke with him a few times and realized he was and is an ass.
Even though my stepdad wasn't the greatest, he was still the one that was there for us. He provided the roof over our head, food on the table, etc. Which was great considering our mom stayed home to raise us.
I consider him "dad". I send him bday and holidays cards. My son calls him papa. I always ask for him when I talk to my mom and call him on occassion.
But I needed to find out for myself what my biofather was like. Hoping he would answer any questions I had. Hoping he would fit the ideal in my head. And when he didn't I moved on.
I really don't have any
I really don't have any words of advice unfortunately.......I wish I did because this is so heartbreaking. But I do want to offer my symathy and big (((((HUGS))))))
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
My DH searched for his
My DH searched for his bio-dad even though his stepdad raised him from the time he was about a yr old...his mother resented him for it...they now speak, but his mother and stepfather basically believe they no longer talk...when they found out they did talk, because I helped and encouraged him to find him, they made my life miserable...that's honestly not fair at all. At the end of the day, he is grateful to his stepdad, but he also realizes his dad was absent because his mother/stepdad wanted it that way...which of course, changed his perception of his mother/stepfather...although he still loves them...
I can't imagine as I try to put myself on both sides of this issue...at the same time, if it were you, you would probably want to know your birth parents too...so try not to take it so personally, although I'm sure it hurts...I think that if you take the attitude of "I have nothing to say to you or even want a relationship with you" it will hurt both you and him even more...he will see a side of you that he never thought existed and it might just make him think that the reason his mother was not involved WAS because of you...and I doubt that's what you want...so as difficult as it is, I would continue to treat him the same way you always did, unless of course, you truly wanted to take the place of his mother (which I doubt you did...I know many times we are just thrown into this mess)...
((Hugs)) to you momnotmom.
((Hugs)) to you momnotmom. I have also invested 15 years as a SM and I know how it feels to have a SS who casts you to the side. If your SS is truly an adult now, let him go and find his place in the world. I'm sure you did a fine job raising him and he will realize that as he begins his journey in life.
thank you all for your words
thank you all for your words of support an ((((hugs)))). In time I will come to terms with it all. But, for now I'm stuggling with shutting him out so he won't hurt my heart anymore. I too have bio kids and know at times they can be thoughtless. It just takes extra effort to love and nurture a already made kid. kinda feels like I wasted that extra and could've gave more to my own. It all just feels like such a waste of energy & time right now. I might as well had been the wicked step-mom since I'm being treated like one you know? I just wish he would have given me the chance to pass him back to her. Or,maybe even help to nurture their realationship. God knows I would hate to see her hurt him all over again. This realy Sucks...
No, it doesn't suck. You're
No, it doesn't suck. You're looking at this all wrong.
Yes you did give this child, that's not your Bio, love and affection and raise him into the man that he is today. That's not a bad thing, just because he chose to seek out his Bio mom. Trust me, she's not going to hold a candle to you (quoting the above)!!!!
He's going to meet her, see her, realize that she gave him up while you did the exact opposite. C'mon, you know in your heart that child will never forget who his mom is!!!!
Stop being so hard on yourself over this........and hard on him to! It's a natural thing to want to meet the people, and have a relationship with, who brought you into this world. It's a natural and normal thing.............get over it sister!
You're the mom. WE know it. YOU know it. And most important, HE knows it!!!!!!!!!
And he'll see it soon enough......if he does have a relationship with her he'll one day look at her and realize that she's the one that gave him up, and you are the one that took him in when you had no Bio ties to him. It means something and it'll never leave YOUR son. Please don't do this to yourself, and don't do this to your son.
(((((Hugs)))))