How do you view them..? There IS no right answer!
Hey there everybody…
Well, once again my DH’s “policy of truth” has landed me in a pickle. Since day one of our relationship, he has insisted (trained me!) that we be bluntly honest about all things concerning our relationship, he sees little half truths or skirting uncomfortable issues as relationship killers. So if he has something on his mind, damn it he’s gonna say it. And he watches me closely for every reply… it’s gotten so that I don’t even try to “just say the polite thing” any more, it just makes him more upset.
So last night… I had a rough Monday.
A rough month actually… in the middle of an audited at work, dealing with huge family issues, you name it. So I went to bed early and exhausted last night… and DH followed (always a bad idea, DH is prone to insomnia anyway, but if he tries to go to bed before 11pm he’s always a bear!). I was sighing and less than cuddly and he says the dreaded, “What’s wrong baby?”
And I said, “Just where the hell does all the time go? I blinked and a whole year has gone by. You just chase paydays and weekends till a month is just 8 days long!” I wasn’t really looking for a solution… I didn’t want a grand state of the union discussion on life… all I really wanted was some commiseration. But DH is a “fix it” kinda guy if there ever was one. All of a sudden we’re locked in a discussion of what we should be “grateful” for in life instead of focusing on all of the negative…
And that’s when he grabbed up a photo of us and the boys from his nightstand and said, “Look at these faces! Can you even imagine a time when we weren’t all together?”
And I guess I took a little too long of a pause… cause he gets all flustered and says, “let me ask you this… when you see those boys do you still think of them as “my” kids or do you see “our” kids?”
And there’s just no right answer to that question. I wish I had the variety of vocabulary to put all of my feelings behind that answer into words but I just don’t. Do I love them… of course! When I talk about them with people, I DO call them “our boys” because I AM a parental figure to them. I feed, bathe, clothe, nurture, discipline and love the heck out of them. But are they “my” kids… no, not really. They HAVE a mom… and putting any thoughts or feelings into that basket will just open me up to a world of hurt. I tried to express all of this to him but he just seemed offended.
He said his feelings were really hurt… and that it was “up to me” to change my feelings about it. But honestly… I don’t think I need to change my feelings there. I think I have a very healthy view on the whole thing. I grew up with parents AND step parents and have a very clear view on the subject of “place” and feelings… but how do I get him to understand that I love them, but they’ll never be “my” kids? I’d appreciate any thoughts…
*Cheers Stepers*
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Simply say, technically they
Simply say, technically they are not yours. You havent given birth to them, and you havent adopted them.
Sorry for answer like this.. im in a bad mood today.
Don’t be sorry… it’s a very
Don’t be sorry… it’s a very honest answer!!!
My DH just has it set in his head that he can “will” us all to be a natural family. He came from a strong, solid family background and has no idea the complex step parent/ child relationship… It’s just such a touchy subject. He tends to take any little thing completely the wrong way!
I'm dealing with the same
I'm dealing with the same feelings right now. I think for me it has to do with that I'm pregnant right now with my first child, so it's kind of like my whole world and perspectives are changing.
Looking at it from your DH's perspective, I can see why he's hurt by the thought that you don't consider them "your" kids. I think it shows how much he cares about your relationship and life together, and that he wants to be able to SHARE all of his feelings and thoughts with you, not have separate feelings/thoughts. So I can see that he's looking at this as something that he sort of expected you to feel too, and it probably gave him a little shock to realize that's not how it is.
And looking at it from your perspective, which is mine and 40billion other stepparents, is that there's a part of us that HAS to remain separate from completely giving ourselves in a motherly way to our stepkids in order to keep our own emotions in check. It's almost more of an emotional survival tactic than it is anything to do with how much you truly DO love the skids. I sometimes feel like we give and give and give to them (and that's just what we do because it's in our hearts) and then we have no choice in anything. We have to give them back to their "real" mom, and that hurts every time. We're in a relationship (with the skids) where we have no control at all. So our mechanism to deal with it is to not completely "give" everything we COULD give, if the child were ours to have and hold forever!
Then you also add in the fact that every adult has their own ways of raising kids, and we have to constantly battle with the differences between not only us and our SO's (which even if very small differences, is still something all parents deal with) but also that of someone ELSE (the BM) in the picture.
We do our best to give as much love as we CAN to the skids, while keeping our own emotional health in tact.
At least that's my theory.
Beautifully put SteppingUp…
Beautifully put SteppingUp… that’s it exactly!!!
I think I would have to say
I think I would have to say something like...They aren't mine I didn't give birth and their mom is in their lives so I can't BE their mom. In love them but I can't take that role from their mom. I think it would be confusing to the kids.
I am blessed that my dh understands that I'm not that lose to his kids for various reasons and that I had 2 kids for a reason. I think it is more that I have kids and he has kids and he feels the same about my kids although he is closer to my kids than I am to his. Mainly due to the fact that his kids HAVE their mom in their lives and they live with her. My kids do not have their dad in their lives and never did.
Do you have kids before you met him? If so that would help but if not nothing you can do now. LOL
Interesting topic and all
Interesting topic and all above is very well said.
DH is a "fix it" guy too and will not rest until the topic is resolved as well.*
Lately we have been going round and round about the "his-yours-and mine" topics and I have told him over and over, "I do care for your daughter but I am not her mother and they both make that quite clear to me." (BM and SD6)
I turned around and told him, "You know what? Maybe I had two miscarriages with you but we did create that ultimate spark of love together and at the times, it was planned and of complete love and mixed energies. I was the last to carry you inside of me." (vasectomy)
He loved that and afterwards we made love again. It is all true.
I agree, it is not "natural" to act as if something not of a natural feeling is natural. We are who we are.
I do not have biological
I do not have biological children… and I think that plays a HUGE part in my DH’s confusion. I’m sure he thought that I’d just naturally “take them on as my own” because I don’t HAVE children of my own. And for all intents and purposes I have… I’ve devoted my life to them. But like SteppingUp said… there will always be that emotional survival wall that reminds me, I’m just NOT their mother!
Three should be an entire cable network dedicated to Step Patenting psychological needs… I’d watch 24 hours a day!!!
(Then again, that’s kinda what this place is… )
I can truly relate. I feel
I can truly relate. I feel like I married Sigmund Freud. No wonder he is in upper management.
I personally can't put my heart on a chopping block with SD6. I know better and do not want to set my heart up later in life for a major broken heart. I've had enough of those in this life.
Tell him it is like his
Tell him it is like his nieces and nephews..they have a mom and a dad and he can't take on that role b/c of that. So put himself in that role with them and see how he feels. Since they have a mom and dad how can he put himself in the dad role? Just as you can't put yourself in that role when skids have a mom. see what I'm saying?
This is exactly how I feel
This is exactly how I feel and decided that this is how I would would explain it to my DH should the need arise (which I'm sure it will) I care about my nieces and nephews and would not want any harm to come to them, I enjoy seeing them every so often at birthday parties, family gatherings and such. But I don't "love" them like I do our BS1 and never will.... it's just that black and white for me.
" turning the tables around"
" turning the tables around" as I call and use it quite frequently.
I tell DH to " put yourself in my shoes and see it from my view." That makes him think.
I like this... and wish that
I like this... and wish that my DH actually could...
I will never see my SO kids
I will never see my SO kids as my own. That is crap if people think you should see them as your own. We are only human.
aww she sounds cute:) I love
aww she sounds cute:)
I love my dog children,not my sd
*laughs* luv you
*laughs* luv you Deville!!!!
Always crack me up...
It reminds me of a few months
It reminds me of a few months ago, dh and I were looking at an old pic of my two oldest and ss together-they were probably 3,2, and 1. They are now 13, 12,11. It was a very cute pic. And he sorta teared up and made some comment about how it touched him to see the kids looking so cute and happy. Meanwhile, I threw up a little in my mouth because it made me realize what high hopes I had initially and how very far our "family" has moved from that initial vision. It is sad really.
I have felt very motherly
I have felt very motherly towards my two skids. However, I wished I would have disengaged immediately. Not because of disrespectful evil skids - they aren't at all. My H was the one who continually did things to make my DS feel unwelcome in his own home. And I was blinded by love and the yearning to have an entire "family" that I didn't do as much as I should have about that.