Manipulative SD leaves wicked SM to battle for family unity...HELP?!?!?!
Coming from a divorced family that was torn in custody battles and left to tend for my younger siblings, I felt that I could really have a monumental impact on the life of my stepdaughter. I began dating her dad when she was two years old, but have struggled to be the priority. I get along great with her mom, most of the time. In fact, she was at my bridal and baby showers! At one point, my stepdaughter was living with us and managed to manipulate her way in every aspect of our family life. I did not want her to go live with her mom, but dad insisted. He would rather have her out of the home instead of teaching her life lessons (ie flush the toilet, do your homework, respect curfew, etc.). I was always told that I didn't understand because I didn't have children of my own. Well, now I do, three biological children in fact. I am an educated, loyal wife and mother. My sons are four and three years old and we have a 4 month old daughter. Our sons are more responsible, polite, considerate, obedient, moral, virtuous, and respectful than their older sister. I struggle in my relationship with my husband because my SD manipulates every situation. I have tried for years to make her parent see "the light" and the potential (likely) consequences of not setting boundaries, respecting and reinforcing those boundaries. She has always stole from me and BD never gave her consequences (on the rare occasion I could bust her in front of him to "prove" it was her). Now in seventh grade, we have had the principal call us twice already this year because of her stealing. Also, she stole my brother's cell phone, yet no consequences were given. If I try to parent her I'm shamed, and if I am silent I'm shamed. Regardless of how I treat (or don't treat) her I am always blamed for her unhappiness and dysfunction. Currently, I refuse to be in her presence. If we are all together I am a prisoner in my own family. I'm on the brink of asking for a divorce, but am not wanting to put my children through such a traumatic upheaval.
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I think you are just going to
I think you are just going to have to let it go-your dh-like so many on here including mine would rather just not deal with pesky parenting duties for whatever reason. We cannot make them step up and be a parent and the solution is not us stepping in and taking over as what happens is exactly what has happened to you-you have become the family scapegoat. You are the one who pushes for change, trying to upset the dysfunctional applecart so therefore YOU must be the problem. I am sure your dh knows that his dd is a loser and that he has failed miserably-when you call him out about it it makes him feel guilty. My guess is that he feels she is beyond repair and it is easier for him just to shuffle her off to bm's and shut his mouth and keep the peace on her visits.
You can disengage. Lock your belongings up, plan lots of outings for you and your kiddos when she visits, let daddy have one on one time with dd. If she steals something like your brothers cell phone, call the police. Dont try and parent her. It's not going to help if her own parents wont do it.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying and I agree. Letting them parent is what I have been trying to do for the last year. I have disengaged and then she cries that I hate her and don't want to be around her, which consequently leaves my husband blaming me for her unhappiness. I am responsible to parent my other three children. I am in school full time and utilize the weekends to do homework from the week. My husband is never home during the week so I am left tending to a 4y/o, 3 y/o and 4 month old children which leaves no time for homework. I am scared to leave my children with my husband and SD because she plays "mommy" and he allows it. More importantly, she has a history of being "inappropriate" with what I would call "sexual experiments" on at least three separate occasions (that I am aware of) and this included her 4 y/o half sister. I have had to address her wanting to be around my sons when they are taking a bath or using the restroom. Daddy was very defensive and I can understand why, but I also have to protect my sons. A tween has no business being in the restroom with them. If they need something it is the responsibility of the parents, is it not? Second, she wanted nothing to do with my unborn daughter. She wouldn't touch my belly and hoped (verbally expressing) that she hoped she would come out a he. After the birth of our daughter she became glad she had a sister. But then she told me that she had dreams that someone was stabbing the baby. Then she told me that I was going to be a grandma soon, which when I told my husband he remarked "what did you do or say to her to make her say that!"
If would've called the police and believe me I thought of it, I would be subjecting myself to an explosion of hate from him, her mom, his family, her family, etc. First we couldn't prove it. I think that BM lied for her bc I think she found or saw it at her house. Months later, my brother received texts asking if it was "her" phone (he kept the same number, but got a new phone). It is impossible to safeguard everything. Last weekend, I had a Crayola board that I was going to return and now it has vanished. He immediately said she didn't take it. He won't ask her and I have still not found it. My sons said she opened it, but I have no proof. Therefore, she didn't do it. I don't mind if she uses my hairdryer, for example, if she asks permission and puts it back! This apparently is too much to ask because my husband and I fought over this last weekend.
I have locked things up and my husband became furious. I locked the pantry, and not just from her. I expect that my children eat the balanced meals that I provide for them. Snacks and treats are at my discretion and I think that I have that right. My husband disagrees. She should be entitled to get into whatever she wants. I find food stashed in her bedroom, eyeglasses that she has dismembered, and a hate journal expressing that if I would not have come into her life then her life would have been perfect. He didn't even make her sit and talk to me about her feelings! He didn't want me to talk to her about it either!
Any other suggestions? Therapy was helping, but now he won't go (too busy with work to prioritize his marriage).
I am open to any suggestions or ideas!!!
What an awesome idea!!! I am
What an awesome idea!!! I am definitely checking into this!!! Let me know how your situation plays out, PLEASE!!!