2 steps forward... ??? Steps back
I havent posted anything in awhile. Still trying to get my head around a number of things.
Anyway my relationship with my wife had been improving. We were looking at OUR relationship and focusing on portions of it. Things were definitely better than they were 6 months ago. Far from perfect but moving in the right direction.
One day a couple of weeks ago SD and I again bang heads. It was a minor bump in my opinion and rather let it escalate, I left the room. SD was is a piss poor mood and was snotty when answering questions. I asked why are you so PO’s? Perhaps a level of irritation in my voice… no reply, then she says stop looking at me. (I was waiting on an answer) She then says I don’t like when people ask me that. (?) Im just trying to figure out whats wrong with you. (Defenately annoyed) I don’t have to tell you anything….
This was in the master bedroom. We were all there sitting to watch Americas Funniest videos. (Family time) I don’t deal well with disrespect and to avoid escalating conflict I left the room, went to my office and watched TV alone. I spent the remainder of the evening on my own, which was fine by me.
The next two weeks were like the improvements with DW and I never took place. The cavernous distance, absence of affection, etc were back. I knew this was tied to the recent development and figured it would pass. Well, it really didn’t. We had our 1st counseling session in a month yesterday and counselor asked us to both state where things were between us.
I said I thought things were definitely improving but we still have many potholes to avoid but I thought we were at least moving in the right direction, even on a bumpy road.
My wife thought I was going to ask for a divorce. ?????????? We then discussed the above event in counseling.
I can deal with not being on the same page, but going from clear strong improvements to backsliding a bit due to another SD difference to her thinking I was going to ask for a divorce? How much faith in her commitment to the marriage can I expect if she views my commitment this way? It really brought me down pretty significantly.
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Oh Man!
Keep your chin up!
Is your wife still dealing with the insecurities from her past relationship?
The Skids thing is really a lot and it sounf like DW really takes offense at any sort of criticism of her daughter. She probably needs to sit down with her and let her know that you need respect as well, you know, draw boundaries with her.
I know each situation is different but the birth parents really have to understand and allow the steps to enforce rules and disciplien, and you expecting an answer is logical and you are right in that it is disrespectful of her to not answer you.
Is your SD in counseling as well?
I for one feel relieved that I no longer have to deal with SS. And it may sound totally selfish of me, but SS is the one real thing that has kept me from going back. At this point, I can't even imagine being in the same room as him.
My counselor says that this is due to all of the walls H put up in relation to dealing with the kid. And the amount of resentement I have for both H and SS is tremendous.
I hope your DW progresses again and allows you to be more integrated in your family unit--ie. back you up
One can only hope!
SD just recently started
SD just recently started seeing a counselor again. Just once so far but with much less drama than the lest go around.
The only Bio parent I have to deal with DW. The sperm donor (sorry to those offended, but its what he is) is slightly more involved than Haley's Comet.
DW is way over sensitive to any criticism of SD. She feels that I am attacking her and blaming her for anything I think SD does wrong. The therapist keeps trying to get her to explain how I am attacking or blaming, telling her thats not what I am doing, and she simply wont accept it.
I said in session that my role apparently is to drive her to school, provide 90+% of all financial support to the family, shut up and like it. I so many times bit my tongue over little things because they arent worth the aggravation, but the cumulative effect is becoming overwhelming.
well
at least SD is going to counseling... maybe there will be a breakthrough.
the other thing to consider is that she may just be having hormonal changes. When I was a Pre teen-teen, I was awful, pretty much like Zippy, in a quiet withdrawn way...
I would read all the time and want to spend all my spare time reading in my room. My parents say I was very sulky. I just didn't know how to communicate with adults very well, and I was uncomfortable with my "development" per se... I think it was until my first year of college that I really learned to communicate well and appreciate my parents.
Now I am great
So there may be hope for SD after all.
One can only hope!
She is definately hormonal.
She is definately hormonal. She can be completely insane at times.
I grew up with my mother and 3 sisters. I saw every one of them go through this, Im not new to it. WHat I do see is a girl at 13 that is more disrespectful, demanding, and dismissive than any of my sisters were anywhere near her age. And a couple of my sisters were huge problems at times. I worry about the exponential growth of the behavior if its allowed to continue unchecked.
Well it sounds like you know
Well it sounds like you know your place! okay sorry, just teasing! This SD is a teenager right? They are very moody and difficult. I was too. ESPECIALLY girls. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles and ignore the moodiness. Its blatantly obvious your wife is very defensive about her daughter, so its best to ignore what you can and only bring up the important stuff! Hopefully you can stick it out until she grows out of it..then you'll get to deal with your daughter going through it! yay! LOL
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
commitment
I think she has a lot of commitment to the marriage. I also think that she has been served notice by you and the counselor that you are not going to put up with her BS any more and that is why she is on high alert. It proves to me that she is getting the message and she wants it to be better so you wont ask for a divorce.
Ill hope your view is more
Ill hope your view is more accurate! Thanks
I completely agree with Sparky!
It seems she IS on high alert. If she wasn't commited to you and your marriage, she wouldn't care, and I don't think she would have gone to that last counselor's appointment with you.
Your view of it being a minor bump is the right one to have! It's a little hiccup, you both need to keep working at it. Maybe reinforcing that you aren't going to ask for a divorce at the first sign of trouble will put her mind at ease. You are obviously still very commited to your DW and your marriage because you are still there, I think she may have been hesitant to make the first move after the SD debacle, because she's scared of losing you.
Keep your chin up Msloan - Rome wasn't built in a day!
Hang in there!
Your right, it does seem odd that your perceptions of the environment are so drastically different than hers. Have you inquired as to what in particular led her to that conclusion that you were going to ask for the divorce? Perhaps the "bump in the road" created some anxiety in her that things might be reverting back to how it had been previously. Since you've drawn the line in the sand (as you should), she may be wondering what will be the last straw for you.
The good news is that you have seen an improvement, which means that hopefully a little communication will clear this up and you guys can get right back on track again!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
She said she felt that way
She said she felt that way because there had been a return of that distance between us, that I was avoiding her (not true, she was actually doing more work at night so we didnt have much time together). I told her a few months back that I couldnt continue to live the way were were. Things were cold for over a year. A week and 1/2 or 2 week timeframe was a bump in the road in my eyes.
But if she is overly worried or believes Im going to ask for a divorce I see her distancing herself emotionally ad a defense, which only makes things worse.
That's so true!
Her insecurities feed your insecurities and the whole relationship takes a nosedive into that whole vicious cycle you described.
Have you tried doing the LoveDare? It sounds kinda hokey at first but I'm having good luck with it. Our relationship is improved in that we don't have that whole cycle happening. When he gets geared up for a fight I just let it go--he doesn't know what to do when I won't fight with him.lol It's helped us alot and I was fairly certain we were done.
It's not a cure-all by any means, but it does help stop the patterns we have already established that kill the relationship.
Hugs LT
interesting
to see things switched like that. So she thought the distance problem came back just because you went to watch tv by yourself? that's not really a fair thing for her to think. It's also strange how she immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were going to ask for a divorce. It just doesn't add up. Speaking for you SD, I had a SF when i was growing up and I made his life a living hell just because I wanted my mommy all to myself even when I was a teenager. I hate him because I resented that he wasn't my father and my father wasn't around for me. Of course, you actually appear to be a really decent stepfather and I had a shithead for a SF. My therapist always recommends group therapy for my blended family...have you tried that yet?
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
Family sessions are
Family sessions are something we have discussed but our therapist said, and I agree, that putting us all in a single session when wife and I are on different planets will make things messy and confusing for SD. Once DW and I can talk with SD and represent ourselves as a united front and in support of each other it will be problematic.
SD doesnt like me because I am the structure, I hold the NO card. DW never says no, everything is a negotiation. I dont work that way. Ive become much more flexible but I will never bend to whatever way the wind blows.
She comes from a fairly
She comes from a fairly dysfunctional and unique background that has shaped her quite a bit. In many ways they have made her a great woman, and in others she seems to be able to flip a switch to not see things that are clearly right in front of her. She has admitted that she can just block things out, and Ive seen it in action many times.