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Non-existent boundaries

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 2:27pm

Well, yesterday was not a good day in the stepparenting world. Let's start with the fact that the basement flooded with sewage. How did I discover this? My toddler snuck downstairs as I was cooking dinner and all of a sudden I hear the sound of feet splashing in a puddle.  That's strange.. What could that be? I rushed downstairs and sure enough, poop water. Poop water everywhere. Now that would've sucked for anyone but the story doesn't stop there.

My SO works where cell service is spotty at best. I desperately started to text him that the basement was flooding. That this was an emergency, and that he needed to call me NOW. Every time I texted, I could see that my messages were being read.  Why the heck isn't he calling me? What could be more important than stopping human waste from entering the basement?? I angrily wrote that I can see that you're reading my messages. The response made my heart sink. The words that appeared on the screen were 'This is *insert stepson's (SS) name'. *just to clarify, SS was at BM's house. It confused so much me why he would be responding to the text messages I sent to my SO, who was at work..

My mind raced with questions - how long has SS been accessing my texts to my SO? And how exactly has this been happening? I started thinking of all the texts that I had sent to my SO. The good, the ugly, the.. inappropriate. Oh god, I was embarrassed, confused... and incredibly mad.

My SO finally called me and said that he was on his way. When he arrived, I wasn't even upset about the fecal matter covering the basement floor. 'Your son has been reading my text messages to you' I yelled. 'All of them!' The ones where we fight, the ones where we discuss parenting/ co-parenting issues, the ones where we are intimate!' As soon as I said that, the tidal wave of shame and embarrassment hit me. What has that kid (SS) seen? 
 

You see, my SO works away from home for long periods of time. Sometimes 20 days or more. So much of our correspondence is through text. So of course, there will be adult rated material as we try to keep the spark alive. If I knew that there were other eyes watching our text correspondence, I wouldn't have sent 99% of what I sent.

My SO explained that he knew of this issue when he got a new phone and put his son on the same plan. Side note: My SO spoils his son rotten in my opinion. Pays for a brand new iPhone, nicer than mine. Pays for his cell phone plan. The kid is fifteen and needs a dose of the real world, where you work hard to pay for the luxury of a phone in my opinion. But of course, I don't want to interfere with how he raises his son, so I did not question him when he added SS to his plan six months ago.

Fast forward to yesterday when the realization that SS has been accessing my text messages to my SO for the last 6 months. And that my SO knew that this was an issue. My SO tried to comfort me and explain that SS had deactivated our numbers so he couldn't receive our messages. That made me angrier. Why is that even in the control of SS!? A fifteen year old boy??? It is the responsibility of the parent to make sure that there are healthy boundaries in terms of what their children are able to view. A stepchild, or any child for that matter, should NOT have the ability to access intimate messages between their father and his spouse.

As I write this, the feelings of anger resurface. I am so upset that a boundary between SS and SO was never established in regards to the phone plan. And finding out that I was unknowingly in a three-way conversation makes me feel so violated. I'm so mad that I could walk away from this whole blended family nonsense, and focus on being the best mother to my toddler and NB. This stress is too much.

 

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 2:33pm

Did you know he was seeing SS? Why would SS have DH's phone? So I take it he wasnt at work?

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 3:20pm

I think I need to clarify. It's much worse than the SS having possession of SO's phone. My SS and SO share a phone plan. They have two separate phones. Apparently, SS has been receiving my SO's text messages on his phone. I had no idea that SS was reading my text messages to my SO until yesterday. It's just a terrible realization. Thanks for reading my rant.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 3:25pm

How old is SS? So this means every thing you have text goes straight to SS and of course BM.

NOT COOL. Does your DH realize this? I can feel your agony hun   :(

TOTAL invasion of your privacy. This needs to be stopped ASAP.  Gawd if my ex SD had seen the shit I had text ex DH  OMFG 

 

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 3:35pm

He's fifteen. And his eyes should never see what I've sent to my SO.

I made my SO call BM and ask her if she knew that SS was accessing our text messages. She says she didn't know. For my sanity, I have to believe her.

Oh all texting has stopped at this point. I'm not even sending my SO a smiley face until this matter is dealt with.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 2:42pm

I remember I was in line at customs trying desperately to make a flight home... and I texted him that I was pretty sure I would miss my flight.  The response was "good".. it was my YSD when she was younger.. she was being a "smart a$$".. we actually get along well.  MY DH was driving and she saw the messages pop up on the phone beside her in the car.

I could see him being out with his dad and his dad goes into the store or something and leaves him in the car with his phone? no lock screen (my dh has no lock..lol).  He may not have understood urgency? who knows.

Definitely.. knowing how to shut water off to your house and main breaker off are two things we should all know.. just for future reference.. have him show you when you stop chewing him out (rightfully..lol)

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 3:15pm

I've definitely learned about the water/ sewage system after this incident. One positive to come out of the situation lol 

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 4:00pm

What?! I would have lost my mind...talk about a violation of privacy. If I found out that my DH had known this was an issue and hadn't addressed it....oh, lord, my head would have exploded. 

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 4:19pm

I did. I really did lose my mind. I'm waiting for my anger to subside before making any major decisions.

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 4:16pm

I just can't.... 

Okay, I can. I mean, cmon, how do you not question your DH's judgment at this point? I could never trust him in any way again. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 8:52pm

All phone hooked to the same Apple ID. Gets all the messages. E mails, ect.  That how you link iPhones, iPads, Mack books together 

Mydogwinnie's picture

Submitted by Mydogwinnie on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 9:04pm

Totally. As I'm reading up on it I realize that SS must have had an account on my SO's AppleID. Probably to download games at my SO's expense. That being said, SS would have had access to all of SO's iMessages from me. I don't ever audit what my SO is doing with his children. Ever. Now I regret not being more involved in how things were set up when SO initially bought SS a phone and added him to his phone plan. Thanks for the explanation.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 02/10/2022 - 11:48pm

You can also get someone's texts by installing an app on the target phone to forward all texts to another line.  I do this to my rental phone line so I don't miss texts from my tenants. 

Olivia2020's picture

Submitted by Olivia2020 on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 2:18am

just sayin' that I came across this and message have to be deleted from that particular device, based on my experience. 

finding out how SS has access to the texts needs to be fixed ASAP. serious violation of your privacy. sorry you're dealing with this. hugs

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 7:02am

Your SO has to realize that if BM wanted to, she could claim you were sending porn to a minor. This isn't some small oversight. This is a BIG FREAKING DEAL.

I don't know if this is relationship ending but it is 100% this situation will be fixed NOW. All ipad, phone, laptop, desktop- whatever will be cleaned and wiped of any history. SO will create a new apple ID for his kid.

DH has SS21 use his apple ID but he also sets up his phone to restrict access and monitors it randomly. We do this because SS21 is really 12 and has to be monitored. But yeah, I get it. He is military, we do things to keep the spark alive that if anyone else had access to, would be bad! 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Submitted by missgingersnap2021 on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 10:42am

I was thinking the same thing! So scary!!! And SS may not be an dult but at 15 he knows enough about right and wrong so to read his father's texts is just disgusting!!! I cant even imagine how ou are feeling. Iremember ears ago SD answering DH's phone and I just hated it!!!! He thought it was no big deal until I told him "Oh yeah? what if she looks at our texts?" (We were dating then and I was skinnier so he did get some good photos! Smile Anyways that was the first and LAST time SD ever picked up his phone. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 9:42am

Change your Apple ID and iCloud iD   You need a credit card to do it.  Don't let your SO used or know your Apple ID.  That will cut off SS from seeing your text messages and email calendar, pictured, and Notes.  When he comes to your home and gets on your WiFi everything transfers to his phone.  Hope there no X photos of you on your phone. 

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 2:35pm

They need to go onto apple site and log out all devices then change password and login new phone. I would also suggest wiping the other (ss) iphone remotely, something to be done prior to signing it out.  Then change password to her dh iMessage/apple account. 

Maria10's picture

Submitted by Maria10 on Sun, 02/13/2022 - 5:54pm

Well it was a mistake for sure. Shows that your SO is careless and dumb( about technology and how it works) 100percent awful  but relationship ending nah....I think if he were my DH he wouldn't live it down for a LOONG time and it would become rather a joke. But of course I don't text anything that I would mind others reading so meh ...also I can be rather shameless about sexy pics with the thought that nude pictures are something my SS will most likely experience anyway( not MY pics- gross- but a girls or his own) if he looks then he is plly more embarrassed/ disgusted and ashamed than me lol. ALSO I am way better looking than both BM so if they see it they can stew on that! And I can relish the thought 

With my SO we had an incident where Ss10 then about 6:ys old had snuck into our bedroom in the middle of hanky panky. It was mortifying. This is kinda like that. Tho we laugh about it now it never happened again not something worth ending a relationship about.