Update on SS abusing cat situation
So last week I posted my first blog entry asking for help becuase my SO and I caught his 15 year old son throwing our cat on camera and calling her a B****. This was a few months after he was caught on camera at his moms house abusing his 3 cats before she passed. I did end up taking our cat Midnight to my moms house and she has been adjusting well and has a lot more room and a better view. So i feel relived she is in a safe space and I no longer have to worry about him trying anything again. It was very emotional becuase my S0 has a bond with our cat and really loves her but he did understand it was best for now.
But since that has happened I have also been staying at my moms because I haven't gotten over the incident and was really struggling with being around SS. Even though he didn't hurt her. I saw it as the beggining of worse things he would have tried to do when we weren't around. And he knows right from wrong. We made it very clear to him when he came to live with us that he is to always be kind to Midnight. And the whole thing deeply upset me. I have spoken to SS twice about this and both times he makes excuses as to why he did it and lies. He says he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. But this has been a recurring pattern since he was a young kid. He is currently in thereapy and has been for a while and S0 and I both talked to him about this. But to be honest I do not trust him and I'm having a hard time believing he is genuinley sorry. I honestly don't know that it bothers him at all. Maybe I'm wrong. But since that has happened I haven't wanted to stay at the apartment and I haven't wanted to be around SS.
My S0 is getting upset with me for not staying at the apartment and says that he is being punished for what his son did. Which I can understand because I'm sure I would be hurt if he decided to go stay with family and only stop by to see me. I do still see him and spend time with him. I love my S0 very much and this whole situation breaks my heart. We were struggling a little before this incident with some other things and for years it seems like it's just been back to back problems. Just in the last two years my Dad passed, we got evicted from our last apartment, SS's mother passed and we had to go to court for a weird and complicated emergency custody battle between my S0 and the man who was living with SS and his mother. It was a tough transition when he came to live with us becuause SS did not want to live with us. And then this happened with Midnight. And after this happened I guess I feel so burnt out and pretty depressed. I try to explain to S0 how I'm feeling but he doesn't really understand and he just gets upset and says that i'm going to ruin our relationship and that i'm taking everything from him. S0 tells me his son needs a motherly figure and how SS has a good heart he's just been through a lot and just needs to get help. S0 says his son is "giving me space" right now... I'm just starting to feel like that bad guy. And honestly i do not know if I'm handling this right. Maybe I am being a jerk about this and my emotions are getting the best of me. Or should I forgive SS and and try and act normal around him?
S0 and I have been together 13 years which makes this so much harder. I feel like no matter what I do I'm hurting someone even though I never want to do that. I know this is probably all over the place but my mind is a mess right now. I don't know if anyone has been in a similar situation but I am honestly lost at this point.
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Comments
I have a suggestion.
Instead of leaving your home, I would send the videos of all of the cat abuse to Law Enformcement and get the LEOs and behavioral experts so far up this kid's ass that he couldn't shit a mustard seed without anyone and everyone knowing it.
Press charges.
His dead mommy is no excuse for his evil shit. No quarter, no tolerance, and make sure he and daddy know that mommy is blessed to be gone and to have nothing to do with this shit spawned evil crotch turd.
Stop destroying your own life for this shit spawn. He abused Midnight because he knew he would get you out of the house. Stop playing his game and play your own. With every legal tool at your disposal.
Let your SO know that it is game on and that you will destroy that POS serial killer in the making shit spawn. Make his life a living hell. Get his ass on the court RADAR screen and when he turns 18 he is out. If your SO chooses shit skippy over you and your relationship, then good riddance to them both.
Stop dancing with this kid and destroy him.
He has earned it.
You did the right thing. I
You did the right thing. I get that your SO is in a tough spot, but this is his kid. Idk if BM had any mental disorders but this kid is half your SO's and half hers, the woman he chose to procreate with. He created this and now has to live with it. But you don't. Midnight sure as hell shouldn't have to. This kid is what, 15? Any chance he will go away to college at 18? Prison? If you don't feel safe with him in the house, you shouldn't be alone with him in the house. Thank goodness you have your mom's to go to.
He's gaslighting you to come
He's gaslighting you to come back and resume your position in his life. No respect from him to you and the $ hit show he brings with him aka skid. This is your chance for serious changes if you hold your ground. Do not accept what he is offering , it's the same old crap with a new bow. Make list of iron clad changes that NEED to happen before you move back in. 13 years is a long time but how happy were those 13 years? Do you want 13 more of the same old $hit?
No, I don't. Don't get me
No, I don't. Don't get me wrong we had some really great memories and lots of love in those years and still do. That's what keeps me holdling on. But also a great deal of arguments, blaming, yelling, criticism and toxic communication ( begging him to not cut me off everytime i try to talk and raising his voice over me or telling me he has to cut me off because i talk too long and should only make one statement and then let him speak before I say anything else) When I explain everything to people they say "you must be exhausted" and I am. But somehow i still very much and very deeply love him. It's hard to explain unless you knew him. When we aren't arguing he's sweet, kind, loving, calm, funny, etc. And that's the part of him i love so much.
His deceased mother's
His deceased mother's boyfriend fought for custody of him? Now THAT'S weird. My hinkeymeter is going off the scale.
Yes, even one of the lawyers
Yes, even one of the lawyers in the courthouse told our lawyer this was a pretty bizarre case. I don't even like telling people the entire story becuase i feel like they think I'm making it up. I could probably write a pretty interesting book about my life the last 13 years...
I am so glad that Midnight is
I am so glad that Midnight is safe and enjoying her new surroundings--and that she is safe. I completely understand why you are there, too. It sounds to me that, however confused or wavering you might feel right now, you have trusted your gut. . . and you are doing the right thing. I honestly sighed a sigh of relief.
If for years you have experienced back to back problems with your SO/the situation, maybe you have reached a breaking point, which would be understandable. It is not your JOB to step into the mother role of anyone else's kids, especially one that has problems. It is not your duty, and your SO should understand that rather than act as if this is an obligation. I think what you're doing is the absolute right and strong thing to do. It's normal that you would feel down about this, but if you feel too stressed or depressed, reach out to a counselor. Stand your ground!
sometimes we make the tough
sometimes we make the tough decisions even when it hurts. You did that and you did it before his son's behavior escalated. You didn't shove it under the rug like your husband is doing. He's going to gas light you because you had the audacity to act instead of pretend all is well. You saved your animal and he knows it, he knows you know it and because that's what you did now he's afraid the light your shining will make him have to start addressing his sons behaviors.
Your SO is not being punished
Your SO is not being punished for what his son did. He is feelinng the consequences for the way his son was raised.
If this were a "one time" thing.. I could see moving out as a possible overreaction. But, the kid has a history of mistreating animals.. and I would insist that he get counseling for it at this point.. and perhaps dad needs to think about how he will manage visitation.. as in.. the boy is not able to be home alone... so dad changes schedule.. or figures out a place for his son to go when he can't be home.
In order for OP to get past this.. I think she needs to feel that the boy shows genuine remorse for what he did.. and shows an active and earnest commitment to the therapy sessions where this issue is dealt with.
But where are you at Now
This kid is crazy. He mentally gone. Serials killers stated as animals abusers . Then work themselves up to people. This is very serious. Since SS isn't in jail yet. What are you going to do ? How can you live in a apartment with someone you can't stand .
SO has to find a new therapist, old one isn't doing anything ex ect taking your money. Or SS needs in patient treatment. You must talk to your SO. Telling him his kid needs serious help. Until this kid gets really serious help, not once a month or once a week. You can't live with SS. IF he gets SS in a really serious program. If SS Takes his drugs and try's to do the program you will reconsider moving back in. Or the ball is in SO Court , let's see what he does with it.,
If I caught ANYONE doing what
If I caught ANYONE doing what your SS did to Midnight (and I shudder and am sick to my stomach thinking about what he may have done to other animals), they would be dead to me. There is no possible excuse for what he did. It would be crystal clear to me that either he is never to set foot in my home any more or I would find myself a new home. Ther is no way I could wittingly be in the same building as that person.
It's time your husband faced reality and accepted the fact that his son's behaviour is, in no way, normal.
Punishment vs consequences
Maybe its the next level up, but your SO having to deal with consequences is exactly what he has to do. He must man up and parent that kid.
Im glad for Midnight and am sad for any subsequent animals that will be hurt by the phycho SS.