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Should I continue paying rent?

natalie's picture

So I made two previous posts on here about a situation I was dealing with where my SO's 15 year old son moved in with us and started becoming aggresive with our cat and I had to take her to my mom's house. Shortly after that I made a decision to move in with my mom for the time being for multiple reasons including issues within our relationship, our apartment being too small for the 3 of us and financially. My goal was for us to work on ourselves and for me to get my debt paid off and work on my credit and he could focus on his son. We are still together and still love each other. But within the past year I have become quite depressed. I'm going to be 35 next month and I am no where near where I thought I'd be at this age. I wanted marriage, family and home. We have been together 13 years and I was started to strongly feel like he was going to string me along forever with no sincere plans to marry me. It was always an excuse and it was always my fault why we couldn't get married yet. We get into bad arguements at times and my credit is pretty bad becuase during the years we lived together he has been very irresponsible with money and I have had to pick up the slack and ultimatly destroyed my credit and have not been able to have a savings. I have not been perfect either but to be honest I think at some point I kind of gave up becuase I felt like i was constantly fighting to get ahead only for there to be another reason why he couldn't pay his part of the rent on time. He has slowly gotten better with money. But now that I am living at my moms he is getting angry at me becuase I told him I am not going to continue paying half the rent and electric. Should I still continue paying him? I don't want him and SS to not have a place to live because of me. I feel so stuck.

Also, I want to add. I am not planning on moving back into the apartment, ever. And SO isn't accepting that and is giving me a hard time every single day about it. Which only makes this harder becuase I love him and i'm not trying to hurt him. I guess my hopes are to stay with my mom for now while SO focuses on his son and his needs. And to get to a place where I don't feel like an emotional and metal mess all the time. And just for everyone to get to a healthier place mentally and financially. And then eventually find a nice home that actually has a yard and start making a real life with marriage in it. I don't know if that will happen at this point.. I'm being hopeful becuase I do truly love SO very much and that's why this was a very hard thing for me to do. The problem is it's become clear it's going to be impossible for me to get ahead while living with SO becuase my credit has gone down the drain and i am really struggling being able to save money or pay off outstanding bills not to mention I don't feel comfortable in my own home when im there and i always feel tense. I don't feel respected by his son and sometimes SO is disrespectul towards me in front of his son which only further frustrates me. SO was supposed to set up couples therapy for us but that hasn't happened just yet.


Lillywy00's picture

H3ll no! And (IMO) you shouldn't have let him AND his son mooch off you

You depressed bc you dealing with a broke "man" who'd rather bring a woman down than to get himself together before taking on a relationship 

Do not marry into debt or you will stay depressed. Love does not pay those bill collectors. 

notarelative's picture

Are you on the lease? If you are on the lease, you may be legally obligated to pay. If you are on the lease, call and see if you can get your name off. If you can't get your name off, tell them you are not going to renew.  If you are not on the lease, don't pay.

Is the electric bill in your name? If yes, pay what you owe and get your name off the bill. 

Anything you pay should be paid directly to the company (lease or electric) not to the ex.

Where he and SS live is not your concern. He will figure it out. 

hereiam's picture

I think it depends. Is your name on the lease? Did you rent the apartment together (as opposed to you moving in with him), taking into account both salaries? Did you discuss this beforehand, give him any warning?

How long do you plan to stay at your mom's? Can he afford the rent on his own?

I wouldn't be paying for any utilities (unless they are in your name) but if you are staying together, and you just decided to go to your mom's for a break, I'm not sure that it's right or you to not pay ANY of the rent.

CajunMom's picture

Are you on the lease? If so, then you have some responsibility. I'd contact the landlord, let him know you are not living there anymore and see if you can get your name off the lease. Utilities? If they're in your name, cut them off and let your SO get his own accounts.

Your last few sentences scream "co-dependent." Your SO and son are NOT your concern, especially living at your mom's. Your SO is a huge part of the reason where you are today. You've been conditioned to think HIS responsibilities are YOURS and you need to break that. Your SO is the one to keep a roof over his kid's head...not you. Your SO needs to pay HIS rent. 

You've been with this guy 13 years.....plenty of time to learn money skills, be a responsible parent and save money to own a home. I say this all the can be madly in love with someone but if there is no respect, it won't last or you will be miserable. Your SO does NOT respect you. Put yourself first for a change.

hereiam's picture

I would agree, except they are not breaking up. She states that they still love each other and they are still together.

She's "staying with her mom for the time being", so I'm not sure that HIS rent is accurate, as she's not actually moving out.

I totally get and understand her frustration with her SO, but she's still an adult with responsibilities, the apartment that they share being one of them. They need to come to some agreement on the rent.

CajunMom's picture

I missed that part. All I "heard" in her post was a lot of negative and heartache through the 13 years they've been together and depressed about where she is at 35 years old because her SO has STUCK her financially all these years covering him and his kid's expenses. I'm thinking she's finally waking up. But as you said...she's still in love. So I have to alter my advice to say "pay your share of the rent and utilities since you plan to continue with the relationship and moving back in."  

OP, you are the only person who can change your circumstances. Take care of YOU.

natalie's picture

Sorry, my post may have been confusing. I am not planning on moving back in that apartment ever. I am staying at my mom's. I have some hope that maybe eventually after his son getting therapy that actually helps him and us SO and I both working on ourselves and our own finances that we could get to a place where we could eventually move in to a bigger place together preferably a home and not an apartment. 

Rags's picture

there.  You did not do that.

His spawn is a menace because he sucks as a parent, sucks as a partner, sucks as a man.

You are 35. You are young, you can immediately end this shit show and declare your best life with this POS in your past. I was only 5yrs younger than you when I finished university. I had nothing but an 8yo car, an apartment full of college furniture and a new degree.   You can make a new start, live a life of adventure, and find a good partner to make a love for the ages with.  All it takes is to make that step.   I made that step with my bride of nearly 30 years 4 years after my divorce was final. Invest in yourself. You will find THE one.

If they lose the apartment, that is on them.  Stop paying the rent. Put that same money in an account in the event you have to clear up the lease later , if it is solely in your name,but... do not pay the lease while  they are living there and you are not.  Daddy can pay his own rent and provide a place to live for his kid.  If power is in your name, call the Electric Co now and turn off your account. He can get electric in his name.

Stop with the guilt about them. They are what and who they are. Believe them. Stop smoking the hope-ium pipe that this dumbass will ever be a viable man. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

As an exclamation point, engage the police and provide them with the video footage of his shit spawn abusing the cats.  Get them so far up this kid's ass and daddy's ass that neither of them will have time to give you a thought until you are way gone and living your best life.

End it, Zero contract.  No guilt.

Be good to yourself.

You have done the hardest part. You moved out.  Now move on.


Give rose

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Hon, if you want ot get married and have a family of your own, this is not the right guy for you. I completely understand the dynamic that you are in and the thought that you have been together for so long and you don't want it to all be for nothing, but this man is not going to change. If he has not married you in 13 years, it is not going to happen. Use this time to get yourself into therapy and figure out why you have put up with his poor behavior for so long. Then figure out a plan and a way to move forward.

In the  meantime, he and his son are not your responsibility. He should pay for his housing and you should pay for yours. At the very least, quite paying the electric bill. If it is in your name, pay it off and close the account. He can open his own.

Harry's picture

If your SO can't keep his mentally sick kid in check,  That you can't live there there is no reason to support someone who force you out of your home.  He wanted his sicko kid. He. Has him, by himself,  and the lawyers he needs to be getting.  I would not support this sickness on both parts.

You need money to rent a place for you to live 

ESMOD's picture

Your relationship sucks.. he sucks.. the kid sucks.. he has made your life worse.. blames you for not getting married.. I would throw in the towel.. love doesn't look like what he has done to you.

Thumper's picture

I will offer my opinion when you tell us whether or not you are on the lease AND the utility bills.



natalie's picture

No i am not on the lease. My name was on our last lease and we were evicted. 

BethAnne's picture

Morally, I might "give him notice" and pay for one or two more months of your portion of the rent. This gives him time to find the money or find a new place.

If breaking the lease or getting your name off it is going to be an issue then I would talk directly to the landlord/management company about the best way to move forwards. A lot of the time if you want to give up the lease entirely in the middle of a contract and actively help the landlord find new tenants (get the place looking nice for photos and be helpful and flexible with viewings) then they will be ok with breaking the lease and you only having to pay until the new tenants move in. 

MorningMia's picture

I felt sad reading this. This man has dragged you down. You're still young. You have plenty of time to recreate your life the way you want. You are not responsible for him and you certainly aren't responsible for his psycho kid. Go with what your gut is telling you. Did you decide to see a counselor? You deserve better, imo. A lot better. 

natalie's picture

I starting seeing a therapist a few months before his son came to live with us. I really like my therapist and I had a good amount in my HSA to afford to see him. Unfortunately, he does not take my insurance so i have to go weeks without seeing him which has been hard becuase there has been times like this week where i really need to talk to him. But I did just find a new therapist that will take my insurance that I am going to start going to. My problem is my  mind is always running in circles between thinking I'm being strong and doing what's best for me to completely changing my mind and thinking im a horrible selfish person who is hurting my SO an causing problems... it's been this way for years that's mainly why i started therapy because I have been struggling so much with if it's me or not because I'm always told it is for the most part.