New Heights of Crazy
Our HCBM loves drama and chaos. She always has. And she take the SKs right along with her, but I never imagined it would come to this....
SS16 (lives with us 70%) comes home from a visit to Mom's this weekend and tells us that his mom announced to him this weekend that she's in a polyamorous relationship with her bestie and Bestie's husband. She's part of a thruple!
I am... Gobsmacked. We suspected something was going on, but not this.
HCBM has been incredibly homophobic over the years--including to SS16, who is trans, but now she's in a thruple? And HCBM has been all moralistic about extramarital affiars, and even accused DH and me of having an affair before they separated (which we didn't), so this decision is hypocritcal, at best. There have long been suspicions from both DH and HCBM's second XH that she has cheated before, and even tried to wedge between a husband and wife before, which is what I suspect is happening here.
She's free to make her own (questionable) life decisions, I suppose, but she is taking both SSs along for the ride--as well as the couple's three kids. SS11 was already devastated by the loss of BM's XH#2, if/when this relationship implodes (which seems SOO very likely), he will lose two more adults that HCBM has made fixtures in his life, as well as the only two friends he has (their kids). HCBM has a long history of having one friend and then disposing of them or treating them so badly that they ghost her. It's a ruthless cycle.
And HCBM's announcement was supposed to be another secret for SS16 to keep--apparently SS11 doesn't know what's going on (he is pretty clueless). SS16 isn't supposed to tell his brother and wasn't supposed to tell DH, either.
We're supporting SS16 as best we can as he processes all this, but I don't know that there's anything more for us to do... Just wow.
Anyone got any advice for us?
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How toxic
I dont have any advice, just thinking how toxic of her! First of all, who discusses their adult sexual relationships with their kids? We all have enough turmoil in our lives, just with the step situation and the back-and-forth. Then, with your SS16 being trans, Im sure that adds complexity to life. What else could she possibly come up with? Aliens landing in her kitchen? SMH!
One of my son's best friends
One of my son's best friends father's (if you can track that) left his 17 year marriage to be in a thruple. The kids from the marriage are now 16 and 19. The mother and I have become friendly, mostly just due to divorce stuff (been there done that) and helping her not get overly screwed over.
The son (my son's friend) has gone into a deep depression. Failing all of his classes. He is disgusted and embarrassed and rarely leaves his room.
I will say that his father has yet to do anything more than meet him at Taco bell in a year and a half since he left the house. He now lives with the other couple and their 2 children. He plays father of the year on social media to those kids but ignores his son.
Hopefully BM won't be like that....
In my limited experience,
In my limited experience, polyamorous relationships are innately unstable and tend to come unglued quite quickly. Which makes it all the more stupid and non-observant of appropriate boundaries to tell your kid that you're in one. Like you said, addicted to drama and chaos, as my own dear (!) NPD BM is, along with the two SDs.
I'm sure SS16 is quite aware
I'm sure SS16 is quite aware of what a hypocrite his mother is. 16-year-olds are usually acutely aware of that in their parents. Can't hurt for DH to point out the irony of this though, given how she treated him as a trans person. As for SS11, even if this was just a new guy, it would still represent BM's instability with partners.
I had a friend whose mom was
I had a friend whose mom was like this, she would do stupid sh*t and then brag to her daughter about it like she was supposed to find her cool. All it did was make my friend resent her mother that much more.
This might be the case with your HCUBM she's trying to be "cool" and "relate" and instead she's just making a complete a$$ out of herself to her children.
do we have the same BM?
I really don't have much advice because all of this feels so beyond our control as SM's, but I guess I'd just echo some of the sentiments above that I'm sorry for your SS, and talking/supporting is probably best. When my HCBM blows up yet another friendship, I try not to say anything negative to the skids but just "that's too bad, I know my friendships are one of the most important things in my life." and ask questions about their friendships and support that stability. One skid even brags about how they're the mom's confidant because she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, but I always reassure the skid that of course their mom has others to talk to, and if they don't want to hear that stuff, it's okay to say that. But I think sometimes it makes the kid feel trust and more grown up. So I guess just plant the seeds of boundaries and another model for what stable adult friendships and relationships look like, and keep the door to communication open so they can keep coming to you.
Toxic Troll likes her some thruples
AND she "identifies" as Bi.
WHICH I have absolutely no problem with EXCEPT she tells Munchkin SD14 all about her "people". Shows her photos and talks of all the dramas. Munchkin is way over her head.
THEN, TT also likes to involve her in the dramas. Munchkin is very conservative. So when she told me that her mother called someone the "W" word, I had to ask her what it was. She spelled it out for me because she didnt want to say it out loud. It was:
W-H-O-R-E
Im like, great.
I would just be supportive of SS and tell him he is "allowed" to create and enforce boundaries with the BM.
Ew. That is all.
Ew.
That is all.