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Bad grades and no discipline from either one of her parents and im the bad guy

nesaloera's picture

Submitted by nesaloera on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 12:40pm

So me and my step daugher have always gotten along pretty well and have a a good relationship she has always felt comfrotable coming to me with anything. Well lately she has been getting bad grades. We knew from the begining of the school year she was having issues in math and got her a tutor that she sees twice a week well she still ended up bringing home an F in math to me a F means your not even trying. Her mother set up the tutor and wouldnt allow me to help or talk with the tutor so I dont knwo what is going on but her grade is still an F and I am very upset my husband says im over reacting and its not my place to discipline her. he says she has a mother and i need to knwo my place. i am not trying to be unfair to her i treat her like my own but i am a firm beleiver if you get bad grades you get in trouble. Know she is failing other classes and her grades have all dropped in one way shape or form. Me and my husban fight about this all the time he says im too hard on her and I feel like he is not hard enough. I am not just trying to be a hard ass but its only going to get harder as she goes in school adn I feel if you dont stay on top of these things its going to get so bad she wont be able to recover from it. He says I need to stay out of it and let him and his ex deal with it that she is there child and I should look at her as friend and be there for her in that manner. Well I dont see her as my friend I see her as my daughter and dont know how to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it when I see she is heading for trouble. Please help!!!

Comments

distorted reality's picture

Submitted by distorted reality on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 12:48pm

Well, she isn't your D, and I certainly would not be attempting to treat her as a friend either. Clear boundary issues there! It is hard to watch some of these moronic parents set their kids up for failure but, you can't win this battle. He has already told you what HIS expectations are regarding your relationship with HIS D. As much as you may want to jump in and help, (and I do commend you for caring enough to do that) you just have to find a way to keep your distance. Trust me, when this blows up, (which it will b/c that is how it generally is) you don't want to be caught up in the middle or end up being the scapegoat. Not a nice place to be... trust me.

Hang in there! Smile

nesaloera's picture

Submitted by nesaloera on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 12:56pm

Thanks yes I think her parents are ignorant to the issues but i need to stay out of it and let them deal with it. Thanks for the advise

Eagle Eye's picture

Submitted by Eagle Eye on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 12:48pm

I don't really have any help to offer because I am in the same situation! My SS13 currently has 4F's and nothing is being done about it! There was a time when I used to get upset because DH would do nothing, there was no consequences whatsoever!! Its almost like he thinks SS will outgrow this behavior!

Now I no longer get involved! I have no control over SS as far as school or anything else so I don't get worked up anymore! This is my suggestion to you! Your SD has 2 parents so it really isn't up to you to "fix" the situation. You'll need to learn how to back off and eventually you'll find that you just don't care anymore!

We can see the kids are heading for trouble but their parents are in denial. Maybe you can give your SD encouraging words but as far as correcting the behavior you have to step back at least for your own sanity!!

nesaloera's picture

Submitted by nesaloera on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 12:55pm

Thanks your right I do need to step back and remove myself from the situation its just so hard for me for some reason I just love her so much but I know I need to just let it go and they will find out for themselves the problems that she is having. Thank you so much

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 1:04pm

My SS sat thru 3 summers of summer school to graduate to the next grade. He is now a senior and struggling because he always had the 'out' or ''free pass' card in summer school.

Personally I wouldn't have let him do a 2nd attempt at summer school. Everyone gets one 'mistake' but to continue to allow him to mess around all year and then get summer school as his pass card? While other kids work hard all year and he STILL gets the same grade in summer school(which is only for a month in summer).

But he isn't my kid (as I was reminded). Which in turn meant it was not my job to get him to school on time or make sure his clothes were washed and ready to wear. Nor was it my 'job' to get him those summer treats like a late dash to DQ.

So he missed out on the good stuff I did and DH and the Ice Maiden had to run him to school and pick him up and attend to him and his needs while he was in summer school.

I would not do anything for her. As her father said "she has parents." So let them parent her. By all means talk to her, do things with her. But nothing extra. Nothing because you are being kind. In fact let her father do her laundry. After all, are you being paid to do ehr laundry? Didn't think so.

He can't have it both ways.

nesaloera's picture

Submitted by nesaloera on Fri, 03/04/2011 - 2:15pm

Love it I feel the same way! You cant have it both ways you cant expect me to take care of her and take her every were she needs to go buy her the stuff she needs and do all the other parenting a normal parent would and then tell me I am not her parent and need to stay out of it. I have relieved myself from all duties pertaining to her and will continue to do so I know this is not her fault and she shouldnt have to pay for her parents issues but there just is no other way to deal with this situation.