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A positive post!

NewPaStepmom's picture

Submitted by NewPaStepmom on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 12:45am

Hi,

I've had a hard time with my SD (17) over the past 2 years but I'd like to share a positive story!

Long story short: she moved in with my husband and me 4 years ago full time. We weren't even married yet. I was unprepared. She had an abusive stepdad (to the mom not to her but still an unwholesome household) and my then bf went to court to get primary custody. He won (thankfully) and she moved in w us. I had never been married or had kids so at 45 years old this was a double whammy!

Predictably: we got married and I went overboard as fairy stepmother trying to right all the wrongs for this 13 yr old. I spent thousands of dollars on presents, activities, whatever she wanted.

She appreciate it (or didn't show it). Plus the BM literally did nothing. No support no visits no nothing.

Apparently this was my kid. It was shocking.

But I listened to you all and I heard yes, she is not my child. I can help her but I can disengage too. So I stopped and left the parenting and gifting to my DH about 9 months ago.  

And today she gave me a beautiful bday card telling me how much she loves and appreciates me. Ps: the first in 5 years.
 

it may not sound like much but for a kid who can't say I love you, I know you helped me do the right thing. Bottom line: overdoing it doesn't help. Stepping back somehow helped her appreciate me. 
 

thank you all for the help. 

 

 

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 1:28am

Glad it is working out well for you.  Less is often more in the step world.  If you bend yourself out of shape for a step kid, it often brings into play the old rule - "no good deed goes unpunished".  Stepping back can often yield better results. 

NewPaStepmom's picture

Submitted by NewPaStepmom on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 10:41am

I so agree with this comment. I was literally bending over backwards trying to do everything and seething w resentment when nothing was recognized. Now I do very little and suddenly get I love yous. The disengagement advice has really worked for me. I'm so much less angry and apparently less overbearing? She now goes straight to dad for decisions. It hurt at first but now I LOVE it!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 8:12am

That's awesome. It sounds like she is growing up and maturing, already. And realizing who has really been there for her (which doesn't just mean gifts).

My SD recently told me that she wishes I would've adopted her when she was young. Haha, like her mother would have allowed that!

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Submitted by ImFreeAtLast on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 10:47am

Neither tactic worked in my stephell but it's OK. Disengaging saved my marriage abd my sanity and I can focus on my kids.

NewPaStepmom's picture

Submitted by NewPaStepmom on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 10:54am

That's awesome! Gives me hope. But even when (not if) she returns to oblivious and borderline rude I'll be ok. It's not on me. This group helped me w that.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Submitted by ImFreeAtLast on Sun, 08/22/2021 - 11:03am

I'm nodding. It is not on us to fix broken men or broken skids. Also we catch flak no matter what we do so doing nothing is more beneficial.