Resentment
My dh and I have been having it out about our issues. I'm more vocal about my discontent lately. I'm learning that my strong feelings, especially resentment, are justified in some cases, and in other cases maladapted. Bottling feelings up can make them more intense than they need to be, and sometimes just missplaced. But either way, it's been good to express them because I get a chance to air them, clarify them, correct them if needed. Keeping feelings bottled up gives us none of these opportunities, and thankfully dh is willing to hear me out even if sometimes through a clenched jaw. I was hoping people could share their insights about how they overcame resentment, or if that's even possible.
It's interesting that my resentment is bubbling over now when SS has been more compliant and less overtly aggressive. I've posted about how SS's friends left for college in the fall, and when that happened, SS became hyper fawning and clingy with dh.That has been oppressive in its own way. I suspect SS might have borderline personality disorder. SS has been more docile around me as well, but when dh isn't around, he still has behaviors that are passive-aggressive and micro-aggressive. That might very well be me distorting the facts after years of suffering more hostile, overtly aggressive attacks from SS. But when SS's friends were visiting for spring break, I saw some of SS's past attitude appear again. Instead of hopping up to walk the dog and do whatever else dh asks of him as he's been doing, during the time SS's friends were in town and SS was hanging out with them a lot, he was surly around us, and dragged his feet to do anything. I just don't trust that SS's change in attitude is genuine or permanent.
A big complaint dh has is that I can't let go. I think he wishes that I could just forgive and forget with a snap of a finger. But it's not that easy. I've been reflecting and reading about the feeling of resentment. A Psychology Today article and another one (I forget) said some good things. Resentment is a reaction to unfairness and in particular: 1. a sense that one is being treated unfairly in a way that is undeserved, or 2. someone else is getting a benefit/reward that seems undeserved. In the case of the stepmom in a difficult family dynamic, I would say that it's a double whammy! We get treated unfairly and have to endure others getting a reward for behavior that instead seems to need correction.
Resentment isn't a feeling that just appears out of nowhere; it has its roots in reality. Part of resolving it is to have the unfairness rectified in reality. I think that rectification would address not just past harms, but would acknowledge the harms in the first place, assuring me that such unfair treatment would never happen again. But as it is, I have no assurances that SS wouldn't try to target me again. Dh and I are certain that there isn't going to be any apology or acknowledgment from SS in this decade or century. So then what? I told dh that he can't expect me to just "snap out of it". The article talked about how resentment can last days or even years. I was thinking about a post Evil4 made recently about how she is still working to get past resentment from years, maybe decades ago. That was validating for me to hear. It helped me to understand that I am not being stubborn or strange for not being able to let of resentment, at least not yet. But I know it's getting in the way of my connection with dh. Any thoughts to help facilitate the process would be appreciated.
Reality
I think you're correct that you won't receive any apology or acknowledgement of wrongdoing from SS. As a late teen (I assume), that's not even on his radar. If he's behaving somewhat better, that's about the best you can expect. I'd disengage, if you haven't already. Not hatefully, just focusing on other aspects of your life. Easier said than done.
What are his launch plans? School, work, military? That's your ultimate answer. I've only ever had very limited success expressing my "concerns" about any of my SKs since my DH87 has always been so defensive. So, I applaud any success you have.
Any resentment I had toward my SSs has diminished now that they are adults. One lives out of town and we have a civil but not close relationship. The other is closer and helps us as we age
My SD63 is a different story, was always the spoiled, thieving mini-wife. Nowadays she an unhealthy person on disability who we help subsidize. I feel resentment that our resources are still going her way but it beats her living here so it's worth it. She has 3 kids but 2 have disassociated themselves and the other is needy herself. I keep going around and around in my head to try to get out of subsidizing her but so far, no luck. She's supposedly on the waiting list for federal housing
So, I try to disengage as much as possible and she's coming over less, thank goodness since I'm nervous when she's here. But realistically, if something happened to me, she would probably be the one moving in to take care of DH87. Sigh...family.
This kid is scared shitless. As he should be.
He is subdued when he does not have the gathering of concetrated testosterone, under developed brained, teen boy brain fart audience so he can play tough. He is all posturing and no substance. Clearly.
As for the resentment you have earned over far too many years, time to make scrubbing daddy's nose in his shit parenting and the crap pulled by his noxious spawn your lesson plan for kicking them both in the ass with clarity.
Forgive can only happen when the crap has been dealt with and has stopped. For good. This dumbass failed family breeder needs clarity that there will never be a forget happening as he and his dull dense nasty pecker projectile have made it clear that they don't even recognize the problem. If they refuse to recognize the problem, they have not earned forgiveness much less forgetting about their crap.
As for dealing with resentment, confronting its cause instantly when it resurfaces has to happen IMHO. Point out to daddy that he wants you to forgive and forget rather than be resentful and yet her is the cause .... yet again. Time for light ing and stoking the burning platform to motivate this noxious SKidult to GTF out and stay out. This will in large part be motivated by making DH so uncomfortable when his noxious spawn is present that daddy wants his spawn gone.
I got a mini related lesson last night from DW. We were talking about tax stuff and while she was speaking I was researching for more information to add to the discussion and in driving answers to the topics we were cogitating. I was multitasking, which I absolutely suck at, when I recognized that she had gone silent. I glanced up and commented "Go on." She said no, that I was not even paying attention so she was done talking about it.
A couple of minutes later she then pointed out that I complain about our kidult clearly being distracted on phone calls clearly being on his computer and I had been doing the same thing to her.
So, I could be resentful of being called out, or... I could recognize her message and change my behavior so she is not resentful of my not paying attention to her.
Confront instantly, define the issue clearly for the other person/people, stand on zero tolerance, and keep their asses bared in real time until they fix their shit. Then and only then might the well earned resentment fade.
However, never forget. Ever. As past behavior is eternally the best predictor of future behavior/performance.
Take care of you.
Enjoy living your best life and the revenge that living well is. Invest in the resentment until they fix the cause. When you are in the resentment head space, be there fully. Then when that passes, focus on you. Until the next flare up.
It's hard to eradicate.
"Resentment is a reaction to unfairness and in particular: 1. a sense that one is being treated unfairly in a way that is undeserved, or 2. someone else is getting a benefit/reward that seems undeserved."
This is very true. I am now more than two decades into this step journey and I have to admit that I still harbor resentments about things that happened long ago, and still do.
For that reason, I think that resentment is CUMULATIVE. It's like little layers that add up into a rock after enough time. Some people are much better about pushing it all aside, but others (myself included) tend to be like elephants - and don't forget. My SO can easily forget/forgive something his DD does but I don't. I remember every. little. thing. But there is a solution, somewhat.
The best thing I did was learn to disengage. You have to step away from the skid(s), start treating them like a casual aquaintance and NEVER provide any of YOUR of financial resources towards adult skids. Never. Split your finances if you have to.
Even though I never supported SD directly, the fact that I provided cheap living for her father for years still grates and I still have resentment over it. At first, he had child support so it was understandable. He paid his fair share to me but no more.
Then, SD went off to college and got her own apartment which her mother paid for fully including rent and utilities. BM also provided SD a credit card so she could charge her groceries, gas, clothes, etc. At the point she turned 21, my SO's obligation to her ended but he continued to pay her $1000 a month directly. He paid me about half that much for his living expenses at my home, including utilities. I paid for all house maintenance/upgrades/upkeep since I owned it, which is fair, but he enjoyed all those upgrades and a solid roof over his head without any expense.
So. He gave SD $1000 per month for almost 2 years before she finished college. And what did she do with it? She was quite open about it - she liked to party and pick up the tab for her friends at restaurants/bars. She lavished expensive gifts on them, too.
When I learned about this, I upped his "rent" and he complied. But I should have upped it even more. That's my own fault. As you can tell, I still have resentment about some money issues even though our finances are completely separate! I must say that now SD is an adult and on her own, my SO does give me some very nice gifts/paid vacations etc. It helps with the resentment a little bit.
Because fundamentally, while he was coughing up $1K a month for SD to party, it sure would have been nice if he had helped me out by giving me a little something towards roof, windows, appliances, etc. So yes, I had/have resentment because it was unfair, SD didn't deserve it, and yet she was getting rewarded.
It's water under the bridge now so I try to push those (and other) thoughts about SD aside, and make a conscious effort to not waste any brain space over it. It's part of the disengagement process.
Maybe I am fortunate, or maybe I am just mean.
I embrace the resentment when I am in that head space. Then I forget about it until those who create it ply their crap again. At which point I immediately fully embrace it, use it to smack them around a bit, then as they run yelping away to pout in their delusional corner I adopt an evil grin, put the resentment away, and get on with living well.
I think it is the man waffle/box brain thing. Everything has its square or box. When it is useful or needed I can pull it out, instantly apply it, then when the immediate issue is resolved, put it back and get on with life.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Of course those who get smacked on the nose, proverbially of course, pout about it and try to tag me with the "you're so mean!" label. Fortunately I am generally capable of ignoring that crap and can keep their nose scrubbed in their stench until they scurry back to their pouting corner.
This makes life a lot easier than if I wallowed in it.
There is nothing wrong with having Resentment
Life here tells you, '' one should not be jealous, or have resentment, '''. I feel that jealousy and resentment are feeling you get for a reason. My wife once actually more then once that '' I was jealous'''. I said yes of course I was jealous, I have my reasons,
'Your biggest problem is DH. He's not parenting his DS, He's looking the other way and not having your back. Causing these feelings. First of all SS is 18 or close to it, and a adult. You must discuss what SS is going[ todo, Not going to college, or military.
Then there should be a plan in place for SS to move into. His own home. or apartment. SS will not be going to live with you., When DH divorce his X, Married you. You didn't sign up to house a adult.
'Adult kids living at home is ok in a intact family ,not a second marriage.
Yes, DH is going to have to pick between you or DS. This will tell you your next move
My resentment has ebbed and
My resentment has ebbed and flowed. It came to the surface again last year (the reason I joined ST) during and after DH's medical crisis, when the skids (adults) were here. Their time in our home majorly triggered me. Since, and through the support here, the resentment has pretty much dissipated. There are still things that crop up that irk the hell out of me.
BUT . . . at the center of releasing the resentment is that DH and I eventually grew into agreement about boundaries. He sees his kids outside of our home because I will not tolerate their treatment of me and our dog in our home. DH also financially "paid back" the $ drain on me when he was over-giving (well beyond CS) to ungrateful, disrespectful brats while I was taking up the financial slack in our home--something I originally did not in any way see coming before me married.
Before he fully admitted (primarily to himself) the truth about his kids and the entire situation, my "self care" involved setting my own boundaries and sticking to them. There were a few hills he realized I would die on. Another thing is I make sure to enjoy myself when he's out of state visiting the ingrates. He's going again soon, and I have a massage (that he bought for me) scheduled, plans with friends, and some nice quiet solo activities/space planned. I'm looking forward to that.
For mental health, I also exercise a lot. Meditate now and then. Listen to mindful podcasts. And always have a life outside our home--I stay involved in other activities with other people.
It's a hard road. But it is manageable! WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
My resentment built over the
My resentment built over the fact that DH tolerated behaviour from his daughters that he never would have from anyone else, and that different standards were expected of me and of them. I was never "allowed" to put a foot wrong but they were allowed to abuse him verbally - including the "C" word at times, and he just put up with it. Also the finances - I remember SD30 asking him what sort of a father he was, because he was baulking at providing funding for her latest course - and she has done many.
The best thing I ever did was to refuse to have anything further to do with SD30 - this was 3 yrs ago, and I stood fast in the face of DH threatening to divorce me etc. I don't think I'm imagining it, she has behaved much better to him since then. I think boundaries are the watchword for step relationships, personally.
The C word? Oh hell no.
Had we pulled that crap with either of our parents it would have meant a full swing backhand across the lips. We would have looked like we had purple collagen injections in our lips for weeks.
If we had ever pulled that with just mom, our bodies would have never been found after dad got home and dealt with us.
Just the thought makes my sphincter pucker 50 years later.
My sole not even close example was when I got home home for a school break when I was 16. Mom dragged me out of bed mid morning. I was in the throws of W-E jet lag across a 13hr time difference. I groggily walked into the kitchen. She asked me to take the garbage out. I stretched and gave her a grinning snarky "Who does this stuff when I am not here? You do it. " I woke up on the kitchen floor. My 5'2" punched me in the solar plexus causing it to spasm and I could not breath. Out I went. When I came to a few seconds later she addressed me with "Please take the garbage out.". Yes Ma'am. That was the only time I ever got even remotely lippy with my mother.
If I had called either of my parents a C, death would have been instant. As it should be for noxious spawn who would speak to their parents in that manner.
That your DH is so ball-less that he tolerates this from his children makes him a write off IMHO. Next time, you shred the shit spawn when they do it then turn to DH and tell him to take notes on how to apply testicular fortitude and tell him to stop being their bitch.
Boundaries Are Our Friend
Speaking from experience. I tolerated crap behavior for over 12 years until a "final" blow sent me over the cliff. Three years of recovery time. Been walking in "boundaries" for the past 4 years and have begun to allow some of DHs kids in my personal space again. WITH BOUNDARIES.
Resentment is real, it has it's beginning (the roots) and if not dealt with, goes into bitterness, which is NOT good. I know. I was there. Today, I'm all about boundaries that protect my peace. I've been around DHs oldest daughter 3 times in the past year. It's been pleasant but nothing deep because I keep the past behaviors and what it did to me in the front of my mind. Technically, I'm walking in enemy territory with DHs kids but this time, CajunMom is aware and prepared. No need to yell or fight...I just walk away when I see things going backwards. I refuse to go back to what "was."
Also, I must stay watchful of myself. A recent event that involved DH and his oldest son impacted me negatively and brought some resentment back to my life....which I'm clearing out by establishing some new boundaries with my husband and his adult son. While this interaction wasn't "in person" for me, it clearly showed my DH's son is STILL an azz and DH himself still caves a bit to this man-child. SMH So, boundaries are now established and I'm protected going forward.
Great post.
Resentment is healthy!
Thanks for sharing and for for your thoughts. It seems that resentment is a pretty common experience among SPs, and I feel validated to read that it can last a long time even after the causes have long past. As I said in my original post, I wonder what affect it would have had for the SKs or DHs to make amends. I read a report yesterday that Obama spent the years after being president making things right with his wife, Michelle. It was his ambition to be president, but it was a big ask to involve his whole family. He acknowledged that it was a huge imposition on his wife, so he spent years "making up" for it. I got to thinking, DH has said to me that SS came with him and that I had no choice but to host SS every weekend according to his CO. If SS won't apologize (I'm sure he never will), what if DH made amends in some way as a proxy? I discussed that with DH today and he said he would consider it! I'm very happy that he's at least open to the idea. I don't have any idea what that could be. I'm thinking about asking him to allow me to invite as many people over as I want to any time. I enjoy hosting friends and family for dinners etc., but usually DH limits how many people I can invite. I try to understand because his work is really demanding and I want to give him time and space to recover during the weekend. But maybe I would feel less resentful if I felt I was being compensated for all of the troubles I've experienced because of SS.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences. Some of you have been through a lot. I don't know how I would have handled a dh spending more on his child's rent than helping out in his own home, and all of the bad behaviors, and mistreatment. It seems like a big solution and help is to enforce boundaries as much as possible. I do think that's a big one, and I definitely want to define and enforce boundaries more. The book I'm reading, In Each other's Care, says that there are two main tasks in relationships: 1. recognize each others' feelings and experiences, and 2. set good policies so that the couple can avoid as many hurt feelings as possible in the first place. I definitely need DH to acknowledge my hurt. But it's so hard for him given that that would also require him to acknowledge that SS has done wrong, which he sometimes just can't admit. JRI, this is probably at the root of why your dh is not open to discussing your concerns with him. I asked dh if he would be okay with this compromise: we don't need to talk about it, but dh has to allow me and 19 yo SS to determine our own relationship, and dh should stay out of it. DH shouldn't intervene and tell me what to say or how to be around SS even if I'm acting aloof. I think dh can live with that.
A few of you suggested I disengage. I have disengaged for a few years now, but as you probably have experienced, I still have stuff imposed upon me that causes me resentment. And disengagement has done nothing to diminish that feeling.
By the way, I meant to add in my original post that resentment is actually a healthy thing, according to Psychology Today. It said that only people with self-esteem experience resentment because part of the conditions for feeling that is an expectation of fair treatment. People with low self-esteem may not even experience resentment, it said. This makes a lot of sense to me because for a while, I kind of just felt bad about my situation, but it didn't rise to level of resentment until I started reading this discussion board and learning more about what I had a right to.
A few of you asked about SS's future. DH wants to provide SS a home for as long as it takes for him to launch. I am willing to live with SS until he's graduated and has a job. I know that he's emancipated, but no matter what, I do feel that every young adult deserves support until they're done with schooling. So I'm gripping myself for several more years of living part time with SS. If DH can work with me to minimize the damage, I feel like I can do it. I'm already feeling better about the situation because I'm voicing my experience, and thankfully DH is trying, and he's certainly not going anywhere. For a people pleaser like me, that is a huge milestone that I could even take those steps. I'm very grateful to this community for their guidance. If I hadn't found this board, I would either be sick with anxiety or I would be divorced. Before, I had all of these notions about what being a "good" stepmom was which lead me to making sacrifices and self-deprivation. DH was good with that; it worked for him quite well. I've really had to fight for myself in a way that I had never had to before, and overall that's actually been really, really good.
Oh Bullshit that SS's presence in your home is mandated by a CO.
That is not true. Unless, the CO names your SO as the CP. If not, then there is zero mandate for the receiving parent of a visiting kid to accept that visitation. Period. Dot. In fact the NCP pays the CP for the housing, care, and feeding of that kid while the CP is required to surrender that kid to the NCP per the COd visitation schedule. If... the NCP chooses to take that visitation.
I know, not a loving parenty perspective. However, when a SKid is a noxious spawn and a mate has zero standards of behavior, zero standards of performance, and will not enforce any behavioral expectations on the visiting SKid, then the SParent can and should deny access of that kid to their home, marriage, and family. Adding the clear message to the failed past breeder partner that they can step up and deal with their shit spawn before the SParent has to or they can bite their tongue and have the Sparent's back. If the breeder refuses or fails to effectively parent, then SParent owes it to themselves to make it happen. Whether the breeder or the spawn like it or not.
Sure, resent the behaviors of the shit spawn. Resent even more the lack of intellect and lack of tesiticular fortitude from the idiot breeder in the relationship. But, do not tolerate any of the crap. Ever. At all.
IMHO of course.
This is easy advice for me to present because I was not saddled with a mate like so many SParents are.
Even in a 50/50 CO a parent can refuse the kid on their next rotation and the parent in possession of the kid is on the hook to continue to care for that kid.
Visitation is a right, it is not a legal duty to take it nor can a court force a parent to take their visitation. If a parent refuses visitation regularly, including in a 50/50 joint custody situation the court can modify the custody and visitation order reducing the COd visitation for the refusing parent. This of course can impact CS. But, a parent, particularly an NCP, cannot be forced to take their kid.
The only built in advantage an NCP has is that there is zero legal requirement for them to take visitation. While there is a enforcable legal duty for the CP to surrender the kid per the visitation schedule.
IMHO, in the case of someone married to an NCP, the access of the failed family progeny in the new couples home has to be earned with age appropriate child behavior and the effectiveness of the bio parent in establhishing and enforcing standards of behavior and standards of performance for their visiting child.
So, a spineless "But you are required to tolerate my spawn because the CO says so." is utter, complete, and total bullshit. The CO has absolutely zero to do with the SParent and the SParent has zero duty under the CO. Z.E.R.O. Beyond basic safety of the kid when in the presence of the SParent, zero is on the SP. Denying a toxic spawn entry into a marital home makes the SParents duty to that kid absolute zero. The SParent has zero duty for the care, feeding, and safety of a kid that is not allowed in their home and life because the kid and the BP the SParent is married to cannot or will not maintain control over the kids behavior.
Keep it stupid simple. Works every time.
The only resentment if the KISS model is used by the SParent will be born by the failed breeder and their noxious spawn. Which is easily countered by overwhelming response by the confident SParent that it is the noxious spawn and the failed breeder that caused the problem, failed to correct the problem, and that they own their shit. The SParent does not own it.
Of course implementing and inforcing standards and boundaries after the fact is much harder than nipping the shit in the bud immediatley at the very beginning.
As I said. My bride and I did not have to struggle with this as we married when SS was a young toddler and we were on the same page from the beginning. As equity life partners we were equity parents to any spawn in our family regardless of what BPs created those spawn. As it turned out, SS is an only in our marriage. I raised him as my own. DW would have accepted nothing less, and neither would I.
Not that we did not occassionally disagree on parenting and discipline. We certainly did. We just never went to bed mad or let it fester and grow into a thing.
My resentment is toward the SpermClan for their noxious existance and for putting my kid through the ebbs and flows of the tides of their shallow and polluted gene pool bullshit. DW and I were side by side in that battle.
Resent, do it hard, but confront and destroy the behaviors of those who cause it. Fostering our own resentment by tolerating the crap that builds resentment is just mind boggling to me.
Our parenting collaboration was so firm that when SS aged out from under the CO at 18, a few months after graduating HS, our mind meld never had to discuss nor agree that our duty to him was to get him to launch into self supporting viable adulthood. We never even discussed letting him rott on our sofa or tolerate him to be a gaming junky or screen zombie. It was so counter to our marriage and parenting that it was seamless. We offered SS a mom and dad full meal deal college experience anywhere he chose and could get accepted. He refused. So, upon his birthday he immediately became our chore bitch/beck and call boy. That was our final duty to him to raise him to viable adulthood. We collected him from SpermClan following his final COd visitation. We did that to rescue him from any draw to dive into that noxious cesspool of genetic effluent. We brought him home. We fed him, we housed him, and we lit the burning platform to get him to launch. We did not coddle him, tolerate him to be a sofa rodeo rider riding our sofa into submission. We cut of the internet when we left for work every morning, he cooked and cleaned up after dinner every night. If he did all of his chores that day, he got to get up and do it all again the next day. If not. He was on the curb when we left for work the next AM. When he figured out how to get everything done efficiently, more was added. When we went out, he came with us. If we went on vacation, he came with us. But he was not allowed to vegetate.
I could not imagine tolerating what so many do with a failed breeder mate and their failed parenting products.
I would be the king of resentment if I had to deal with that crap.
Fortunately, I won the bride and SKid lottery.
Especially after what you've
Especially after what you've been through, your DH is in no position to "allow" or "disallow" anything. You DESERVE to have people over. You DESERVE to enjoy life. Step-family situation or not.
I think I received an apology from SS very early on about his behavior during one visit. SD would rather be tortured than ever apologize to me for any of her horrible behavior through the years. Even when she visited to "reconcile" ($-grab, as she was getting married), she did not apologize. . . she tried to drunkenly "explain" herself and stated (as clearly written/planned out by BM) that she wanted to move forward. So, yea, I don't think you'll ever get an apology from SS, who feels he has never done anything wrong. But your DH damn sure owes you one, I'd say.
I don't expect an apology
I don't expect an apology from SS. The only reason I bring that up is because that is the fastest way to address resentment if the person doing the wrong would own up and make amends. The challenge for me and I think for many SMs is how to reckon with a wrong that no one takes responsibility for. The resentment festers. I will try to process it, but I'm asking my dh to try to be understanding and not get mad at me if I need time.
Look, You may never get an
Look, You may never get an apology or full acceptance/realization from your SS that the way he behaved was wrong. He is/was an immature kid who in some ways was put in a position that he didn't ask for and didn't react well to it.. and wasn't parented.. so, perhaps he had his share of resentment too.. and may even feel a bit justified for some of his behavior. But, again, immature.. self centered teen.. will (hopefully) leave the home at some point and it will become somewhat a non-issue with him.. and may be somethign that just is ignored by him forever. So, for this.. you may have to at a certain point.. just "get over it. accept it happened and move on.. nothing can change the past..
HOWEVER, the person who SHOULD be apologizing is your DH.. and I don't like the "well, he inconvenienced me in the past.. I will have people over now and not feel bad that it inconviences him now" solution.. but he should be apologizing and acknowledging that his actions had a part in this..because he didn't raise his son better. He didn't hold his son accountable in the past.. and he may be able to do little about it now.. but he can admit his place in the situation that caused you pain.. take ownership for his role... and THAT is something that is difficult to "get over" without him doing more. I think by "making it up".. might be more along the lines of making you feel valued.. wooing you... doing nice things to make your life nicer.. randomly bring you flowers.. or some treat you enjoy.. talking with you.. taking time to BE with you.. (not so much letting you take over the house with guests..haha).
I struggle with the whole "the kid did not ask for" thing.
Kids do not get a say. That is what parents are for.
The key that you clearly highlighed.."and wasn't parented". That is the brilliant and clear differentiator ESMOD. For some reason so many PODs fail to parent their CODs. Such a powerful yet simple differentiator in those who raise performing adults out of CODs and those who raise societal burdens out of CODs.
Not a divorce situation. My brother's eldest was way pissed about the family moving to Asia when she was about to start HS. They visited us on their way E and my niece was P,I,S,S.E.D. beyond measure. Rather than entertain her tantrums about it my brother was clear that while he understood she was upset, .... tuff shit, knock it off. My niece's crap was not tolerated to mess things up for the rest of the family and she was given a choice, knock her crap off, or experience escalating unpleasant consequences for her behavioral choices.
She thrived finishing growing up in Asia. She absolutely loved it. In part because she was not given a choice, and she was lot tolerated to adversely impact the rest of the family. More than a decade after graduating from HS in Asia, she considers their Asian home to be her home. Second to her GP's home since my parents are the rockstars of the GP world.
Rarely does a kid agree with the divorce of their parents. However, so what? They cannot be tolerated to destroy the future for everyone else regardless of how upset the kid is over the divorce. My divorce did not include a child so I have no direct experience to reference.
There is a clear correlation between parents who coddle, adult-ize, and tolerate a child to be disruptive to themselves and everyone else in the blended family equation and SKids who are such intolerable shits that it threatens the fabric of blended marriages and families. Kids who are tolerated to be ranting little demon spawn grow to be even bigger ranting waste of skin demon spawn as kidults. There are long running TV shows about this kind of thing. Super Nanny is one that comes to mind. The common denominator in every episode that I have surfed through is that the parents tolerate crap instead of instantly addressing it. Once instant and consistent confrontation of the problem occurs.... POOF! ..... no more problem. Funny how that works.
Parents who tolerate this stuff tend to end up with middle aged basement trolls. Then they whine and cry about how little Johnny and little Becky are struggling and won't get out or never stop manipulating and looking for a hand out. Playing the heartbrokne COD card with mommy and daddy incessently. Parents who raise kids with standards while giving them a hand up for some reason do not suffer the incessent basement trolling or other related kidult issues. They also do not suffer their baggage ruining their marriage to a SParent. Generally speaking.
Just my thoughts of course.
I think kids should be
I think kids should be allowed to be upset about things... but it's up to their parents to insist on good behavior (though.. clearly she was letting a bit squeek out..lol.. stern looks abounding).
That is why in this case, I put the bigger weight on her husband needing to do the atonement vs the kid. The kid may be justified in his feelings.. like your niece was probably upset and it's tough leaving friends (I am an army brat.. move about 14 times before I graduated HS).. I do get it.. though I was a bit used to it.. haha.
My mom would tell us to go to our room and not inflict our bad mood on the rest of the household.. haha.
I love your mom!
My mom would tell us to go to our room and not inflict our bad mood on the rest of the household.
That was my brother's message to my niece.
Recognize the behavior, send them to their room to deal with their fee fees.
Short, simple, effective.
They can feel how they choose to feel. They can be upset. They should not be allowed to detract from everyone else in the home while dealing with their feelings.
I do not expect SS to
I do not expect SS to apologize. That's not something I asked for or expected. But I just wanted to bring up the fact that though I and other SMs are saddled with resentment, it is not something I generated out of nowhere, it came from a wrong that was unfairly inflicted. My point was that we still deserve amends even if we don't get it. Also, we're not just drumming up bad feelings to be mean or nasty to the SKs. In fact, even if they're too immature to acknowledge their part or make amends, they played a part. I was making myself feel even worst by blaming myself for the resentment. So again, though I don't expect an apology from SS, in myself, I'm trying to remember that my resentment does have a real cause in the world.
I do agree that DH has a responsibility in this, and unlike SS, he is more capable of acknowledging the hurts and making amends. The challenge with him is that he has blind spots and defensiveness about SS. He has come around on some things, but remains blind to other things. I asked him to compromise by agreeing to let me interact with SS on my own terms, knowing that he may be blind to some of the stuff SS may be doing without his knowledge. Not sure if that will work. But dh did agree that I have been put upon and that he is willing to try an do what he can to make things better.
Let you interact with SS? It is not up to DH. You are an adult
So interact with SS as you see fit. DH has zero say in that and never should. Particularly whe DH has not consistenly set and enforced standards of behavior and standards of performance. Daddy did not hold his spawn accountable, daddy did not defend his bride, so daddy gets no say is shit at this point.
IMHO of course.
If the SKid is noxious, then bring the accountability directly to the SKid whether daddy likes it or not.
Also IMHO of course.
It is long past the point where daddy gets to try. He does or .... he can STFU and stay out of your way as you make sure his noxious kid lives the consequences of the kid'own s noxious choices.
Simple works. Prevaricating spineless daddy has had his chance.
Come on !!!
SS is a adult. He should be living in his own apartment. DH does not have to care for an adult. Saying. You and DH can go away for a romantic weekend. Without being concerned SS can not take care of himself.
Your DH has a problem, what became your problem.
That your DH puts more effort in is relationship with SS then you. I feel you need professional help with your relationship with DH. You must find out why SS place in DH life is above yours ? Will SS ever move out ? Will you ever be the queen of the family? Should you stay married or not?
I can understand when DH divorce, he had responsibilities to his DS. Seeing him every weekend , but this is not the case now He see DS 24/7/365. A weekend away will not change anything. There's bigger problems here
Rags and Harry, thanks for
Rags and Harry, thanks for making your cases. That helps me to put things in perspective. I definitely think part of my recent anger and resentment has to do with the fact that SS is now 19 yo. How much longer is this going to go on? But I believe that a child is entitled to support until their done with schooling. I am doing that for my own child though he does live independently, and I help him out financially. Given that, I do accept his presence until he's done with school or he gets a full time job. I want to continue to work on making it better, and to minimize harm to all. I also think SS' parents need to do a better job supporting his independence - getting a job, helping out at home, etc., etc., etc. But SS has a home here until he's done with school. That's just how I feel about it.
The risk is... what if he does not want to get a job?
He is an adult. He earns support with performance. Both behavioral and academic or work performance.
If he does not earn it with respectful behavior, he does not get it.
I have no doubt that your BK is not noxious like your SKid and that your BK does not disrespect you or your DH.
Do not give your DH's noxious spawn stature that is unearned while your own child earns it.
Done with school... He is 19. Has he finished HS yet? Even if he has not it is time to grab him by the figurative scruff of the neck, smash his nose on the graduation day on the calendar, probably in about 2mos and tell him he graduates or he is out and if he does graduate, he is out the second he is anything but respectful towards you. His father does not have the sack to demand that his child treats his wife with respect. I get where the noxious originates from. Do not let the COD excuse cloud your clarity on this.
I finished HS at 19. Because I was not a noxious spawn, my parents were supportive of my extra year. Had I not been respectful of them, I would have been digging ditches at 18.
At some point, kidults have to be launched off of the burning platform to finish growing up on their own dime and their own time. It is a you know it when you see it thing regarding what kids earn support and what kids have to jump to keep their tail feathers from getting scorched as the flames lick at their backside. It is a demonstrated behavior thing.
IMHO of course.
I worry that you will continue to serve yourself up on the altar of SParental martyrdom to your SOs lack of balls in parenting and holding himself and his kid accountable for respectful and reasonable behavior toward you.
SO will "Try". That just chaps my ass. He is playing smoke and mirrors at this point.
Thanks Rags. I learned from
Thanks Rags. I learned from these boards that I have choices and so does SS. How I should be as a SM is not dictated by G-d above, but has to take into account the circumstances, and my own feelings and experiences (that was hard to come by). SS barely graduated HS, but he did on time, and he had one decent semester in a community college taking non-core classes (like art and speech). It's an interesting time because there are so many changes and transitions when you're out of HS. Can't quite predict where he'll land.