decided to take a few steps back in all of this
It really did take BM's drunken confessions to make me realize what I have been dealing with all along. BM still has a huge obvious crush on FH and admitted that she did try to trap FH in the past by keeping SS9. I no longer feel sympathy or the need to come in and "fix" things and make it all better b/c it was her own selfishness that has caused her child to be in this mess. I no longer care! Is that wrong of me? I really don't care at this point if I see SS9, nor do I feel like taking time out of my life and causing myself stress to fix her problems. If BM wants to blame anyone for what her child has gone through she needs to blame herself!!! I am so tired of her rants as to why FH abandoned SS9, and how much alike she and my future husband are, which mind you they are nothing alike. It is so frustrating and I don't care anymore!!! FH doesn't care anymore, her confessions have put him through the roof. It has made it impossible for him to be civil with her anymore. It was one thing for him to assume that was her intentions all along, to trap him, but to know flat out that was the case he is furious!!! I mean how do you deal with that, really???? Oh, by the way I had intentions on ruining your life b/c you weren't attracted to me and yes I did keep the kid for the chance that you would actually want to be with me. I mean, that is basically what she said to me in her own words. I should have listened to FH when he said that it would be best not to deal with her and just pay the child support for the next nine years. At this point, we are going to lay it all out for her, either you let us take the kid alone or not at all. FH has given psycho BM two chances to be civil for the sake of the child and both times she has made it all about her. TEN YEARS and she still isn't over it!!!!! FH said if she continues with this bullshit he is going to have to put her in her place again, which he did in the past, and it is going to get ugly. FH and I are at our breaking point with all of this and are perfectly fine with cutting ties with SS9 until he is 18 and old enough to come find us at his own will and without his mothers involvement. It is sad that it has almost come to this but BM is going to have to make some changes fast to improve our situation. It really is up to her, FH has no legal rights, so if she doesn't agree with our very fair rules then good bye! We do not have thousands of dollars to take her to court for legal rights, we would rather use that money to start our own family. We honestly feel that we shouldn't have to take it to court, if she is unwilling to cooperate then why go through this anyway. We are not willing to spend every cent we have and to drag SS9 through the mud b/c his dumb ass mother can't get over her crush on FH. So, BM can have all the control, we can walk away guilt free. We have gone above and beyond to be part of SS9's life and this is what we get in return. BM is walking on very thin ice with me and really I am the one in control. I am the reason all of this is working out b/c I am the only one willing to deal with her. FH is not going to put himself in the position again to communicate with her and have her make advances on him, it makes him sick to his stomach. So, if I am unwilling to be the mediator then none of this will work out b/c of her own stupidity.
Also, BM's husband, by some miracle-thankfully, has agreed to take her back. It sucks b/c things could have gone back to "normal" if you want to call it that but she had to open her mouth and ruin everything. I think I am going to consult a lawyer, not about legal rights, but about how to proceed if she does allow us to have SS9 on our own. I don't want her crazy ass calling the police saying we kidnapped him or something. However, I am just sitting back now and letting BM take the wheel from this point. I will deal with the problems as they arise and focus more on my own life with my wonderful handsome FH. 
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oh, I wonder if we just
oh, I wonder if we just wrote up a document stating our own visitation guidelines and have it notarized with both BM and FH's signatures, would that work? It should hold up in court if BM decided to get out of line right?
You are right, I agreed to
You are right, I agreed to be the mediator in the beginning of all of this. I pushed FH to get involved again, he was not willing to do so at first b/c he knew how things would go. Been there done that sort of thing. I convinced him that she may have changed, it had been ten years, she may have matured in that time. Wrong! It's all my fault, BM hasn't changed one bit! I gave her the benefit of a doubt and she has basically slapped me in the face with all of this. FH does want to do what is right for the SS9, we both do, but there is only so much we can do at this point. We both refuse to fight BM tooth and nail through all of this. If she does what is right for her child, step back and let FH and I have him alone and with out her having interaction with FH, then it all should work out fine. I just don't see that happening. I mean, FH has a friend in a similar situation besides he was married to the BM, but his current wife communicates with BM and he stays out of it. I think in most cases that happens if one or both bio parents aren't willing to get along. FH really has tried to be civil with her and I am so proud of him for what he has done so far but I don't blame him not wanting to be around her anymore. BM has made this very uncomfortable for both of us to be around her and for good reason. It is really selfish of her to do this to us, and to FH and his bio son for the second time.
Yes, I do. I really don't
Yes, I do. I really don't know what to think or do in this situation. I didn't contact BM, she contacted me through facebook and that is how this situation all started. I have always resented the fact that FH had to pay child support for a child he didn't see, now I resent having both SS9 (the brat) and his idiot mother in my life. I feel that I have to deal with it in some ways than not since I chose to marry this man. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful person. FH made a really big mistake at age 17 and it has been a dark cloud hanging over him. I really don't know what to do, I drug FH through all of this even after he told me how it would result. I didn't listen, I gave her the benefit of a doubt. He did this for me to see if maybe this would make me happy and for the child's sake, but BM just can't keep her mouth shut. I mean really, I wish I didn't have to go through this. In the perfect world it would just be FH and I starting our own little family. Which if you have read my previous blog, we can't get pregnant. I know, some people could say just not be involved and let FH handle it, it was not his idea, he is dealing with it and how can my husband have a child in his life without me being involved. I honestly didn't mind at first communicating with her but she has made that difficult now. I didn't sign up for all of this and I feel stuck. I feel like I put both FH and I in a really bad situation. I should have listened, he warned me this would happen, he had been through all of this before. I feel like the idiot for thinking that a grown woman would actually mature after ten years, for the sake of her child.
So why do I do this stuff? Honestly, I thought the alternative was better than just paying child support. Now that we are on the other side of spectrum, it still isn't better. I thought at first that there was some kind of hope. BM came to me first wanting all her back child support and to for FH to sign over his rights (which was all a game b/c we all are well aware that he has none-at first I thought she was just really stupid). I explained nicely the situation and she sent a message back saying that she was now married, a changed person, and wanted to be civil so that FH could know his son. That may have really been the case at first, I honestly don't think that she thought she would still have a 'thing' for FH. It was all about her from the first time I sat down with her to meet her, without FH, to talk in person about how things would proceed. I had a clue that her curiosity of having FH around and seeing him again was definitely on her mind at that point. As I said I don't think she thought she would still be attracted to him at that point. BM said that SS9 didn't know who FH was, never asked, so basically she was making the decision for SS9 without him knowing what was going on. I knew at that point it was about her, not the child. Now I feel that it has snow balled into a big issue with her and her obsession with FH. I think that may be another reason her husband wanted to leave her. I mean, if she had been talking to her husband like she talked to me OF ALL PEOPLE about my soon to be husband, that would explain it. I feel lost, I feel like no matter the road we chose it isn't a good one. I am proud of FH for giving it another shot and I will not blame him if all of this doesn't work out and will allow him to just pay child support and keep my mouth shut. It's all about me really, not being able to deal with all of this. I am going to have to find a way b/c if not I'm afraid that we will have trouble in our marriage as a result.
Wow, you are right. Well
Wow, you are right. Well written! I guess that is what this blog was all about, I have given up trying to control the situation. I no longer care, nor do I feel like I am going to bend over backwards to make SS9 happy. I was trying to be a good person, like you had said, and do what is right for a child that is innocent in this entire situation. To give that child the opportunity to have a relationship with his bio father and for FH to not carry the guilt for the rest of his life. I feel like I have done everything, now that you mentioned it, to control the situation and now realized, thanks to you, that will never happen. I can't change the fact that FH has an illegitimate child with a psycho woman. And I can't control what psycho BM says or does. I also can't control that SS9 is a complete spoiled brat that I can't stand sometimes. It's a never ending battle that I can not control. No matter how I try, I can not control it. So luckily FH and I agree on how to proceed from this point, which we are able to control. We are going to lay it out for BM what we are wanting out of the situation, which is very fair, and go from there. If BM says no then we will tell her that maybe this isn't the right time for us to be involved with SS9, if she is unable to allow FH to be a father without her constant supervision, and we will just look forward to establishing a relationship with SS9 when he is 18 and able to make his own decisions. Thank you StepAside for your input. I am going to focus more on the things I can control, and less on the things that I can not. In the end I feel that FH and I have given it our very best and have made a huge effort to make this work for the best. If it doesn't, then we are willing to throw in the towel and try again when SS9 is a mature adult and not under his mothers control.