Needing venting room ... checking in!
I LOVE my soon to be dh with such an intensity it takes my breath away, makes me cry when I think about him, I miss him so much when we are apart that I feel physically sick. BUT.. and here is the but... he has custody of his 3 children who unfortunately are the offspring of the evilist, most hateful woman I have ever met. My dh was basically her whipping boy for 12 long years before SHE went out, had an affair, got on drugs and divorced him. She thought she would get the kids and he would be supporting her for the rest of her lazy life while she sat on welfare and got child support. Well, that isnt how it went. Instead my dh got FULL sole custody and she got NADA but 2 weekends a month visit rights. Now this might sound like he won right? Well, that is debatable.. he got NO support awarded, got 3 kids who grew up in a house full of hate and fighting and raised by a mother who constantly put him down ( so they are following right along her hateful path with glee ) the vengeful hateful x calls EVERY SINGLE DAY to bitch, complain and threaten him with court proceedings and say she is going to "get the kids back". He has had the kids over a year now and is feeling PUNISHED not awarded. He loves his kids but what can he do? And what can I do? I have my own kids to worry about and I am seriously worried about these attitudes and disrespect that is just getting worse as the kids enter their teens ( his kids are several years older than mine ). The X constantly undermines his authority, tells them they dont have to do anything he says, and then when she has them for visits lets them get away with murder so they come home and we have 2 days of "deprogramming" every other week. Then the FUNNEST day.. the day they go for her parenting time.. we have to literally FORCE them to go. The oldest HATES her and hates us for making him go to see her. But we are right now waiting to go to court for a contempt for not taking him to a visit that SHE told him not to go to... so we are trying to follow the rules. The middle just plain HATES going because it is a 4 hour car ride there and the youngest gets away with everything there and comes back a spoiled rotten brat who would be kicked out of any school for the way he acts.
At times I really cant beleive i am putting myself and my kids in this line of fire. IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO PROTECT US FROM the X ?
1. Dont talk to her - ok.. can we do this or is it against court orders for him not to talk to X? The kids are old enough to say pick up at 7 - drop off at 5 which is what is court ordered and we try to stick to.. why do we need to talk to her?
2. Dont let her BITCING anger us... instead laugh at her.... ignore her, SMILE ... dh has been trying this but now she is taking him to court for contempt and this makes it very TOUGH to not want to retaliate back.
3. Dont let her win.. well.. again.. what is winning here? Dh has said he is sick of how the kids treat him, how she treats him and is considering just letting her have them now because it is NOT going well. But we know the kids are better off with us .. she has NEVER taken care of them, doesnt even know how... and the youngest still needs it ( is 7 ) the teens would probably survive but end up runnaways or in juvy as she lives in a big city and would give them no r ules or discipline at all.
4. I get along with my X - we share our kids and never talk about each other in front of them.... now my kids are seeing THIS woman and how her and her kids disrespect people.. and I am not sure I can let this keep going on.. sometimes I feel like I am being a bad parent and being selfish because I LOVE dh...
Feeling very TORN today - and the wedding is less than 90 days away 
- newstep07's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
A big decision
There has been a lot of talk in regards to who comes first in a family--the kids or the marriage. I think the general consensus is that the marriage needs to be first so that the couple can create a strong and loving foundation in which to raise the children. However, in your case...you haven't yet taken the vows and I assume that you don't yet have children together. Judging by the concerns you have touched on re: how his kids will affect yours, how the unstable ex will make life miserable...I don't know. I might be very cautious in bringing my children into a tumultuous situation like this. I guess what I'm saying is that in this case, I think I WOULD put the kids best interest first and foremost.
That doesn't mean that you should break up with this man. But can you maybe just put the wedding off? Is that even possible? Is there a way to just sort of be together without taking that big step for a while...wait until things with court settle down? You are right that the BM should not need to call everyday. There are ways that you can get her to stop harassing you. Whether or not she adheres to any court orders re: her contact is another matter, but maybe if you try it'll work.
I made a comment recently that the success or failure of the marriage depends more on the relationship b/w the spouses than it does on the actions of a crazy BM, or any other outside force trying to tear that relationship apart. I stand by that...but I guess you have to ask yourself, are you WILLING to work VERY hard and deal with the uphill battle that is coming? Because it is NOT easy and even though it's possible to rise above the bullshit...it doesn't come without a big price.
For the moment...you are right to ignore her. Don't give her the power to get to you. Try and have patients with the kids...they are being influenced by an unstable woman and that's not their fault. But protect your own children too...make sure that you reinforce the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. I don't believe that giving the kids back to BM is a good idea right now. I know it's tempting, but I have never heard of a parent who did this and didn't end up regretting it on some level later. That's not to say that you can't work out another custody arrangement, though. Have you considered asking that she undergo a psych evaluation? If she gets into therapy (or if she and your fiance go to co-parenting counseling), that migbt help a LOT.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I have been there too!!!!!
I want you to know you are not alone. I went through almost the exact same thing. My husband has four kids and we obtained custody of three of them within the first year of marriage. Same situation as you, she was on welfare, never worked, on drugs, a complete loser. She lived in government housing, etc. When we obtained custody my husband agreed that she didn't have to pay any child support because he wanted nothing more to do with her. She really didn't want to have anything to do with the kids. To top it off, he was also considering to continue to pay her child support just so it would be a smooth transition. THAT'S HOW BAD HE WANTED HIS KIDS OUT OF THE SITUATION. So fast forward 9 years now and they are all grown except for the youngest and she is 16 (she has seen her mom once in the past 6 years). You need to know that you cannot say anything in front of the kids. They WILL figure out what kind of person she is. My Stepkids know what kind of mother their BM is and want nothing to do with her. They view me as their mom. 9 years later and she still is on welfare, drugs, etc. Don't let the kids go back to her. That would only be hurting them. It is REALLY, REALLY TOUGH, but you need to know that everything comes around. You guys will come out on top and she will still be the loser she has always been. It IS worth the fight. It is so hard, I know. I could tell you thousands of stories on what we went though. It really was hard for me because I have no kids and went from being single to raising three kids. I look back and really don't know how I got through it or even how our marriage survived. But it all really fell into place. It all worked out the way it was supposed to. Don't get discouraged. It will work itself out. Be strong and know you always have somewhere to turn.
OMG
Your situation sounds almost like mine. My DH has FULL custody of his 3 children. I BM ran off with another man and moved to another country. I am here to reassure you that I know the battles that a father goes through in court. The courts are very biased toward Mom's and as far as support goes DH's are lucky to get a dime. If the shoe were on the other foot Dads would have to get 2 jobs just to pay child support yet the BM's can sit by a pool doing nothing and she is not forced to do a thing.
DH needs to get control of the situation. Don't allow the childrens behavior. If they act up take activities away and ground them. Explain to them that the rules in your house has nothing to do with the rules in BM's house and you will not tolerate the behavior. It will be hard at first but they are still young enough to change their behavior. DH and I have to deprogram the children every year before and after their BM's visitation. They are getting better. DH lets them know really clearly that if they misbehave right before the visitation that they will be grounded when they get back. He doesn't forget a thing. He has them 10 months out of every year so they can choose to be miserable or choose to have fun.
Just because he has custody doesn't give BM the right to bitch on a daily basis. Do NOT put up with that. DH needs to tell her to get a grip and if she doesn't stop the threats then he will get her for harrassment. Document EVERYTHING! There is still a lot you can do to get control of the situation. Obviously the courts did not see her as a fit parent otherwise why would they award the children to DH. In a very Mom oriented court system this is a big thing. The court must have seen that she is not able financially to take care of her own children. don't know about in your state but in mine Joint Custody is the norm. So another proof the courts saw her as unfit. She has to have the ability to support her children for her to get custody back. I am talking over any CS DH will have to pay. Don't let her play that intimidation game using court over your heads. Turn it around and tell her to bring it. It will take thousands of dollars in Attorney's fee to do that. I don't really think BM wants the kids back that badly she wouldn't have let them go to begin with.
Please hang in there with the right discipline and support from DH he can turn his children around. Eventually they will get old enough where they can't be forced to go. I know how tough it is with BM's we have an evil one ourselves and she is a real pill. You have to have a zero tolerance level of BS. I try not to let BM get to me because if she does then she gets her way. You do not have to talk to her AT ALL. The court order is between DH and BM not you. I choose not to speak to BM due to the fact she twists things and tries to use it against DH.
BTW why is DH having to take that four hour drive. Shouldn't BM have some responsibility in the pick up and drop off of the children.
Really what is the court going to do to DH just because of one visit that she didn't get? I mean it is obvious he is allowing the children to go see the BM on the regular basis and he is not witholding the children on a consistent basis.
Thank you!
Thanks so much for your comments... I keep telling myself there is no way a court is going to give this woman the kids or give dh contempt over a total lie but I know things "can happen" . He was in contempt already once last year because he didn't take the kids to her parents house ( 6 hours away and out of state and she had no listed address or job and he feared flight risk ) so we don't have much faith in this judge. It is a woman judge who I feel saw this "poor mom" with out her kids and felt sorry for her. These kids are teens and preteens and have LIVES and she has no regard at all for their activities or wishes.. and when I say NO REGARD I mean that.. she loves to have the power over making them come to visit her when they don't want to come. Unfortunately the judge who gave dh custody is no longer in our court and now we have to deal with this one who has obviously not looked back at the original records. I don't think she even KNOWS dh has SOLE custody not joint. Our lawyer is not putting into this what we feel he should so I am pretty scared about what might happen in court next. And yes, we know it is time to lay down the law and rules with the kids... this latest court date really messed us up with our plans to try to get the kids back into line.. and them having no sense of stability with her telling them constantly that in a few weeks they will be living with her is not helping them at all as 2 of them are completely terrified that might happen and the other one thinks he gets to live there, have no school, no bed time and live on candy and donuts.. FUN!
I guess I am just really worried that I am putting my kids into this situation by my choice and feeling guilty about that too. He has no choice.. this is his kids mom and they all have to deal with her. And as far as talking to her , I would rather run naked through a city street... I gave her the benefit of the doubt the first few months I dated dh but now after this complete lie and the suing for contempt I am DONE with that.. How can we get her to stop calling us when she calls "to talk to the kids" but gets to get in her shots at dh whenever she does? Oh, and we do only drive the kids 1/2way, but then we have to drive back ( so 4 hours ) and 4 hours for them in the car to get there. Now with the cost of gas we are going to be basically spending all the CS he gets on gas to take them to visit her, nice huh?
I Don't Understand the courts
I really don't understand these Judges. They don't get the full story and almost all the time side with BM. We are going through the same thing with BM. I don't understand the Attorneys not making it clear what the situation is. It is just so unfair.
Food for Thought ...
Admittedly I haven't read everyone eles' post before posting, but here goes ...
Well …
1. He could not answer the phone when she calls. He could ask for specific days and times that she be allowed to call the children, then children answer – he doesn’t, and he doesn’t talk to her. Any updates or questions regarding the children could be done only via email … finally, if you have a lawyer, talk to him about her abusive use of conflict … and parental alienation.
2. If the contempt charge isn’t valid, no worries. If you have time, look at filing a cross-motion to take care of the outstanding issues you have with her. Courts are a wonderful way of resolving conflict, believe it or not. Because what the judge says, goes … she can’t complain about it and neither can you.
3. It sounds to me like the children need some rules and expectations set forth for them. Additionally some counseling might be in order for those children given what they have been brought up in and how they are treating dad. The need to find other ways to vent themselves and find productive ways to express their feelings of discontent with situations.
You and DH could use some counseling on this matter too. How to talk to each other, and BM about situations. How to make sure it doesn’t affect your relationship in a bad way. DH and I used to fight constantly about BM and how to handle situations. We finally set ground rules. We would only talk about her for 30 minutes a day, and we’d only do it in the office – no where else. The other thing that really helped is we finally broke down and let a lawyer handle everything … it’s not cheap, but it has saved our marriage.
~ Katrina