What do you think?
Lots of advice to take in.... lots of differing advice too.
I know that 9 months with someone isnt a long time but he is the most amazing person I have ever met. We click so well, have the same morals, enjoy the same things. He is everything that I have ever wanted (plus one 2.5year old)!
I have decided (although not completely sure) to stay and give it a go.
I think my main issue is the BM EX!! Nasty immature horrible trouble starter!!! I can see her being difficult for a long time. I wouldn't dislike the kid so much if I didn't hate her mother so much. I just see this child as a representation of them and a bond/amazing wonder of life created by them. I need to learn how to seperate the SD and BM. Any suggestions on how to do this?
I have a book about step parenting and am going to get the book Stepmonster that everyone suggested. I have this site to get my frustrations out.
I have spoken with my partner and been completely honest and told him exactly how I feel and why. He was quite upset/offended but after a couple of hours we spoke it out more calmy. He researched sites such as this one and saw more of where I am coming from. He is really good like that and now understands how hard it is for me and how much everything is affecting me. He has said that he will take 90% of the responsibility with SD now and that the reason he was letting me do everything is because he thought the more time I spent with her the more of a bond/love I would create. We have both realised this is having quite the opposite affect.
I no longer am putting pressure on myself to love or bond, simply to tolerate. I am no longer taking the responsiblity and it's all now out in the open. My partner has realised that I may not ever love or bond but as long as I like and tolerate SD he is ok. He is a bit more open to how difficult it is.
I feel a bit better - a bit of a weight taken off of my shoulders.
I am a little worried about SD2.5 - used to me doing everything (she seems to like females better, absolutely loves me and chucks tantrems if I don't do things for her). How do you tell a 2.5yr old that Daddy will do it and no they can't get their own way all of the time by chucking a tantrem?? I have not had enough time around kids to understand their mentality. I dont have a million ounces of patients that is required.
It seems (not only from my situation but a lot of other SP's) that the main issue that makes being a SP so hard is the BM or Ex. I know that I have a lot of trouble with mine. Not that I have ever once let her know that but it is getting harder. I would like to smack her head against a metal pole!! I have however not once responded to her texts, her asking my partner back, her spreading rumours about me (that I am a drug lord, a whore, a homewrecker). She makes me so angry and that's why I have a bit of resentment towards SD because if SD didn't exist than neither would Ex.
Does it make it easier if you don't live in the same town? We live in the same town as BM and it's not a huge town. We were thinking of moving away anyway but she is definately making that more of a realistic option.
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You still might have the ex
You still might have the ex around if SD didn't exist. She might be jealous of your relationship with BF and want him back anyway. I'm glad you were able to make a decision and talk openly and honestly with BF. It is HUGE that he's trying to understand and take the burden off you. Hopefully, that alone will help with your feelings towards SD.
I think this is something that's just going to take time. The pressure is off now, so you can choose when and how you want to interact with SD. Continue to ignore BM. Reacting to her will fuel her...that's what she wants you to do. Don't give her that satisfaction.
I think how you handled this whole situation is very admirable! You confronted it head on and got good results. It's not always going to be easy, but you know this and can be more prepared. Just remember, it's always a possibility that SD can end up with you FT. Hopefully that won't be the case, but it's possible.
I really wish all of you well. I hope you're able to bond with SD and your relationship with BF keeps getting stronger!
If you move she will label
If you move she will label you the woman who took her daughter's daddy away from her.Much worse than being a whore.
As far as the 2.5 yr old .... I could have focussed on the traits of their mother that I saw in my s/sons and dispised them and really ruined my relationship with their father. Instead I focussed on how they and their father are alike.
Instead of focussing on her as an expression of a bond/holy union between BF and his ex, look for her father's characteristics in her. Does she have is laugh, his eyes, his smile, his quirky way of reading a book.....Ignore the other stuff that she probably got from her mother. COncentrate on how her father has added to the world through his little girl.
Also how many children are the result of ONS? Is THAT a union of love or horniness? And the kids didn't ASK to be born nor did they choose how they would end up looking.
It is easy to step back and say "Daddy's turn to help you. I have to finish this book/do the dishes/get the washing in." So she throws a tantrum? Then it is up to her father to deal with it. You can still spend time reading to her. I am sure even teachers have children they are not very fond of in their classes.
See, if this man is who you want to be with then deal with his daughter because she is not going away and is part of his life. And quite frankly 2.5 yr olds are seriously easy to train once you know how.*wink*
I think it's great that your
I think it's great that your man is understanding of your feelings, because I dont think many men would understand. I have tried to talk to mine and I dont think he gets it yet and gets mad when i bring it up.
As for her spreading all these rumors about you---she is just making herself look bad. If you do move, I would not want to live too far away cause driving back and forth to get the kid everyother weekend really sucks after a while.