If things get jumbled please excuse me, still a mess mentally. DH just contacted the EAP that my work offers and I have an appointment Monday morning. Maybe they will help me sort some of this out. However I am tossing this out here because you ladies always have good advice to offer and frankly likely know more about blended family situations and the resulting chaos and emotions than any professional councilor ever could.

BM raised me with the understanding my BF was dead. BM remarried when I was young, if I am remembering correctly I was like 8. My SF was a good guy. Acted like a dad, treated me like his kid and he and BM went on to have two more kids. My brother and sister. My SF died when I was in my midteens, this one I know is true because I went to his funeral and his parents were there crying too. My BM started into her issues with alcohol and drugs after my SF died. At the age of 18 I moved out, I was still in highschool but could not take the chaos in her home any longer. When I was 20 the state took my brother and sister (half bro/half sis)away from my BM and I was given the option to take them or they would go into foster care. SF's parents were not an option as they were deemed too infirm (health issues) to take care of the kids. I raised the kids ever since. Yes, they had medicaid and the state gave me food stamps for them even after I graduated college and got a good paying job, because the kids were considered foster kids and in the care of the state so the state had to provide. My brother and sister call me "Mom" our BM they refer to as "Mum" or "Ma" these kids are now 20 and 18- brother will be 19 on wednesday.

I met my DH on a blind date set up by his mother who I worked with (she has since retired). He has 4 kids (my skids) and while all eight of us lived together the family dynamic was skewed even further. I was "mom" to my siblings, he was technically their brother in law. He settled in with them in a relationship that is like a favorite uncle/ neice and nephew relation while they were younger. Now that they are getting older their relationship is developing further and he is stepping back from the guidance (since at their age they know it all) and their relationship is moving towards sibling in laws- which is good for all three of them! Its been very positive esp for my brother. Into this already chaotic family make up add in the four skids who can be a challenge but are getting better. They have a BM and BF and now me as a SM, and my bro and sis who should be their step aunt step & uncle who they treat like step siblings. Now as of Tuesday I have a huge branch that has sprouted on this family tree. Consisting of my dad, my step mom, their two kids, two uncles and their wives, five cousins, my grandparents - both sets. Dads parents and my step moms parents who sent me a card in the mail that I got yesterday of 'welcome to the family'. My step mom seems to be a great lady. She said she wanted to be there for the reunion of me and my dad but wanted to give me and him time, so she waited 24 hours before flying in herself. Shes a little younger than my BM, attractive, takes care of herself and seems to be really sweet. I find myself stuck like a kid between liking her and being jealous as hell of her because shes had my dad all these years and I didnt. Yes my head knows she had nothing to do with the situation at all, but there are times that I just want to shove her out of the way and curl up on my dads lap and cry. I am 30 years old, too old for the jealous little kid crap, but damn it is still there anyway!!

My dad is also in shock. He not only got his daughter back, he inherited basically 6 grandkids in a day, he and my step mom and all the kids all seems to be handling the huge shift in family dynamics alot better than I am. DH has been great, stuck to my side like glue and everytime I lose it and start with the tears again he has kleenex at the ready and lets me latch on and hug for as long as I need to. Anytime I try and talk to him about how I am feeling I end up blubbering and I am sure by now he is sick of the waterworks but he is not complaining. Dad and DH get along amazingly well. It is like they are two of a kind, I could not have intentionally chosen a guy more like my dad if I tried. My MIL and FIL have been here and met my dad and sm and they all got along as well. Everyone is having a good time and I am the one dissolving into tears like a two year old in need of a nap!! We all went to church this morning, dad and my sm went back to the hotel to pack up, they will be back any minute and we will drive them to the airport in a few hours. I know he isnt going to be gone for good again, we have already made plans to go visit them over the summer so I can meet my brothers, uncles, cousins etc. But as nutty as things have been for the last few days its seems like now that they are leaving and things should be settling back down, now is when it is getting worse. When we left church and drove home I what I can only assume was a panic attack, heart racing couldnt catch my breath couldnt speak locked up in a ball and couldnt get out. I think the trigger was my phone ringing and the number that popped up was my BM. I havent talked to her in months so why would she be calling me now? I dont want to talk to her, our relationship over the past 10 years has not been good due to her accusing me of stealing her kids- typical addict can not accept self responsibility and consequences. But I know it is going to be a long time before I can talk to her, right now I just cant talk to her I am too angry way to angry to have a conversation with her.

I need advice. Hatred and anger are destructive emotions and I have a lot of that towards my BM right now. There is also resentment, hurt, apathy and pain with that woman. Then on the other end I am happy and confused, elated and shocked with my dad and his family, add in DH and all the kids and our normal family life and I am just on overload. I need a way to just shut down and reboot, its like Im a computer and have 40 programs running in the backround and the lag is killing me and making it impossible to function at anything that resembles normal speed/efficiency. I rarely drink alcohol, BM taught me the lesson to stay away from it, no drugs in the house aside from advil and tylenol, my normal drinks are coffee and soda and the caffeine is not helping. Skid#1 is on a run to the grocery store now for me to buy decaf coffee. And oh god the skids have been great all week, esp skid#1, best behavior, no one has to remind them to do chores, doing it on their own, interacting with everyone here but not the show off look at me behaviors that they normally do, so well behaved and they have made DH and I so proud. It seems like the only one losing their mind over this sudden shift is me. So how do I get myself back? Because I really feel like I have lost myself in the past week.