How do I handle this? xpost in adult SK
Let me recap this at the beginning, I am NOT a SM. I first found this site when I was getting serious with a man with kids. That ended, for the better. I started posting because I want my children with my XH to have a good relationship with their future SM and I want to know how to help foster that. As many posts on here show: the BM can make or break the SM/SK relationship. I truly believe that my children are better off with a good relationship, even a friendship with their father's wife.
Having said that.... I want to ask a question as a SK.
I have a very very limited relationship with my father. I have only met his current wife a few times in the past 6 years that they have been married. She was not in the picture when I was a kid. My father and I had a falling out when he had a series of affairs while married to my then-SM and then started being neglectful to my much younger siblings. I was a 20-something young woman and just couldn't excuse his behavior; so I walked away from a relationship with him. There are no hard feelings, he just isn't in my life.
Last week my uncle died. This uncle raised my father (he was 20+ years older than my father). Uncle Pete and I got along, but he never approved of how I dealt with my father and his affairs. So, no one called to tell me Uncle died. I heard about it on Facebook. Talk about cruddy way to find out someone you loved died.
My father's wife will not let up. She keeps posting messages on Facebook about my neglect to my father and on and on. I blocked her from my FB page, but she keeps posting it on my siblings pages. I *finally* figured out how to block it so I can't even see her comments other places, but now I'm getting harassing phone calls and my siblings are getting the brunt of it.
How do I deal with her? I don't want to drop this in my dad's lap. I'm not a heartless witch. The man is grieving. My XSM is going to have kittens if his current wife doesn't let up on the kids (my teen half-siblings are still minors). Better I deal with her/him then XSM does, but how on earth do I handle this without adding fuel to the fire.
If it helps any, his current wife thinks that I should step up and take over the "hard work" of the planning of everything. Um, Uncle had a wife. My dad and middle sibling are doing all the funeral planning with Auntie. No one wants my 1000+ mile away input!! I can't afford to go to the funeral. !?!?!?
Sigh, anyway thank you if you read this at all.
Kate
P.S. It *really* stinks to learn that a family member died via Facebook.
This is between you and your
This is between you and your dad and not the latest SM. Do you have a good relationship with the XSM? Maybe she can give you advice since she knows the players. Personally I would be pissed if I was you and I would be telling the latest SM exactly what dad did and that is why things are the way they are. It probably will not help the situation to do that.
Neither of my XSM (there are
Neither of my XSM (there are 2) have any idea how to handle this either.
I think I'm just going to ignore the whole situation as someone else suggested. I was just fed up yesterday and frustrated.
Kate
I agree. I learned my
I agree. I learned my grandmother died via Facebook. I was livid. My grandmother barely took her last breath before my cousin felt the need to post it on Facebook.
Your new SM needs to step off. Any olive branch or reconciling needs to be done thru your father.
Ugh, it stunk learning aobut
Ugh, it stunk learning aobut it via FB. Honestly, I really just can't stand FB. I've considered over the years getting rid of it.
Kate
Leave it alone. Not your
Leave it alone. Not your place. As for your uncle and learning on Facebook, you have to take some of the blame. If you have a relationship with someone, the family will call you. If not, they won't. It is what it is.
As for your SM - ignore, her. She obviously has only gotten his side of the story. She sounds terrible and someone you don't need in your life.
Oh, I do agree with you about
Oh, I do agree with you about being responsible for the relationship. I do hold some responsibility in why no one called me; it just stung to learn about it via FB.
And you are right. I'm just going to ignore this. I think this might be about money. It didn't even dawn on me until someone else mentioned it.
Kate
Ignore all of them. My mom's
Ignore all of them. My mom's side of the family is crap. My grandmother died and it was 2 months before anyone bothered to tell me. My mom died when I was young and they all decided that having a relationship with me was "too hard" because I reminded them of her too much.
At no fault of my own (I was 16 when my mom died), I had to walk away from those relationships as well. I spent years trying to connect and reconnect and was ignored. I was sad to hear my grandma passed .. I had a lot of fond memories of her from my childhood. I visited her grave and paid my respects, said my goodbyes.
Most of my mom's family still doesn't talk to me. But I can't live my life worrying about them or what they think of me.
Oh ouch!! Ya, it stinks when
Oh ouch!! Ya, it stinks when family decides you aren't worth it.
I have raised wonderful children, well I *am* raising wonderful children and they all missed out on them.
Kate