My SO's ex is quite the control freak. Precious Puddin' Poo (PPP or SD11) doesn't have to do chores and is not required to have boundaries at her father's home (he feels it will 'break her spirit') and he says that she is the equal of adults and treats her this way. She gets anything she wants (if she doesn't she has a 'meltdown' and/or sulks until she gets things her way). PPP will be visiting us at Xmas and my SO has to work part of that time. What you will find below this paragraph is part of the email 'instructing' us on what our behavior should be towards PPP during that time. As a bit of background, PPP had a meltdown when her mother tried to put her in a 10 minute time out during our camping trip due to disrespectful behavior and flat-out refusing to do as her mother asked. The exchange DID NOT include yelling or physical threats in any way on my SO's part. She simply asked firmly several times for PPP to go to the tent for a time-out because of her inappropriate behavior. PPP (who is almost her mother's size) ended up becoming actually physical with her mother because she didn't get her way:

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'Regarding this visitation overall... it includes a lot of "firsts" for PPP... It's the first time she'll be in your new state for a full week; the first time she'll stay at your apartment alone for periods of time; and the first time seeing NBA since the friction-filled September weekend. This visitation will likely set the tone between you and PPP for all your future visitations.

I know you understand all that, and that you will accordingly work to minimize stress on PPP during the visit. But she could also use some reassurance via your
upcoming phone/webcam calls that you will be making this visitation a positive experience for her.

I do expect that PPP will come back from your visitation without being stressed out and in total meltdown mode. As a side note, it is inappropriate for NBA to be reprimanding or disciplining PPP---that is YOUR responsibility, not NBA's. NBA should not be using stern reprimands, discipline, or jump in to "double team" PPP with you. If NBA has a problem with PPP's behavior, she should tell you and you should levy any discipline. Even if NBA and PPP are alone together, any discipline should wait until you return, except for true emergency situations.

My number one concern is Elizabeth's well being and helping her to transition into being a happy, healthy, emotionally-stable adult. I am certain you want that for her, too. I know you will do everything in your power to make this visitation a pleasant, happy experience for her.'

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Of course, my SO is livid about this, because we both feel that he is giving PPP full leave to do what she wants, sulk or have a temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way, and to not abide by the rules of our household. If we ask her to do anything or try to discipline her then she won't want to visit us or she might not 'have a pleasant, happy experience'. Opinions on how to handle this?