** As a short preface, because this thing is so long, I will explain that my SD11 is an only child living with a custodial father who feels she's 'gifted' (even though she didn't have the scores to put her in the 'gifted' program; he blamed the school, of course). She refuses to follow simple requests without wanting to know 'why'; she has a 'meltdown' every time she is given a consequence for bad behavior on her part; and she lets her 'daddy' know how mean 'mommy' is to her when her mother tries to set boundaries and give her structure.**

***********************************************************************

This is my letter to my SO:

I realize you may not want to address these things, Love, but we have to. If we want to have a healthy relationship between ourselves and with your child, we have to talk about these things and understand each other. These things are not an attack upon you as a mother, it's a discussion of reality. And, yes, the parents are responsible for the way their child is being raised and the type of person they are or will be. The question here is this: what type of person do you want your daughter to be?

REALITY

There is an important reality that children must face and learn from. Most of all, children are not parents. It is the responsibility of parents to teach and raise their children to survive and be successful. Here are the realities that parents and children must face and wrestle with. These realities may seem harsh, but most parenting problems are the result of a failure of parents to recognize these realities or to consider them consistently.

· Children are not adults and they are not parents. Children have no authority at all over their parents. That means children have some choices and some freedom but only those choices and freedoms that their parents give them.

· Children have a legal right to adequate food, shelter, education, health care and clothing. Parents are not required to give their children anything else. Parents are not required to be generous. If a parent gives a gift, it's exactly that, a gift, not a right or requirement.

· Children are expected to follow directions and requests made by parents. Parents may give a reason but are not required to explain or justify their decisions to their children.

· Children are not allowed to strike, use physical force or throw anything as a means to hurt anyone or force anyone to do anything.

· Children may be given consequences and may lose some freedom, choices and privileges if they are not following the house rules.

**********************

Here's some house rules, etc that I've found on the internet. Yes, apparently the way your 11 year old daughter acts is rampant among our youth and 'guilt parenting' isn't going to teach them anything. I'm being flat out honest with you, Honey. If she can't follow simple requests or has to eat 'special foods' because she doesn't like anything but mac & cheese, canned fruit, chicken strips and tater tots, or if she can't understand that she's not our equal, because she's your child, not an adult, I'm afraid that we aren't going to last. That's a very hard thing for me to say, but I'm not the only SO in the world that apparently has to put up with every problem we are experiencing with her. I explained to you in the beginning that I wouldn't be able to deal with her behavior as she manifests it now. You responded by getting angry and laying the blame on me for the 'innocent child who had done nothing'. She chooses every day to do the things she does and to respond to you in the way she does. This is reality and it has to be recognized. No excuses why she behaves in one way or another; just reality.

The problem, it seems, is that the child knows how to 'work' a divorced mom or dad and mom or dad doesn't want to set down boundaries and back those boundaries up with consequences when the boundaries are crossed (it's common; kids are smart and they know that one parent will be concerned what the other parent may think if the child reports that they were 'mean' to them by setting boundaries and administering consequences when the boundaries are crossed). It's just easier to do what the kid wants, give the kid what he/she wants to eat, or just feel that their SO is being unreasonable. The bioparent just can't understand why another adult would think that their child needs structure, guidance, and - if necessary - consequences in life. The commonality seems to be that the bioparent feels guilty about the divorce or wants to be their kid's best buddy because they feel bad that the child doesn't have a mother and father who live in the same home or because they can't spend every day with their child.

I love you; I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but the 'special treatment' of letting her talk to you anyway she wishes, of having to entertain her constantly, of not expecting her to eat what we eat or follow the rules we have to follow will split us up. You aren't a bad mother, you are just a divorced mother who is full of guilt. I'm not issuing any sort of ultimatum, I'm stating to you that I can't do the 'entitled child' thing any more. I'm trying to disengage, but every time I talk about not wanting to be around when she is around, you seem to get exasperated. I can't leave the house every time she's here when she's here for a week or more, so we have to get something worked out.

This is my house too - and, yes, she doesn't live here, so she is a guest in our home, just as my daughter and son are guests when they visit. (I know your ex would be appalled and that he already condemns you because you don't have a special bedroom available here and enshrined when she is not around, but that's a ridiculous expectation. If all of our children that visit are expected to have a room of their own, we have to find a four bedroom apartment or house, and that's not realistic). You have to realize that I'm a parent too, but I realize that it's hard for you to have my daughter around for a long period of time (as with any guest) and I respect that. I respected the fact that when I was in the hospital, you really didn't want her to come down. Please allow me the same types of human response where your child is concerned. I don't expect you to love my children like they were your own daughter and son. I don't expect for you to have to put up with any bad or rude behavior on their part, or to make sure they have only the foods they like to eat. I don't expect you to say nothing if I decided that they could treat me in any way they wished to.

If any of our guests don't like what we make to eat, they don't have to eat it. We make what WE like to eat; our menu shouldn't cater to a kid's fast food tastes. If we have mac & cheese, we have that; if we have steak, we have that; if we have hamburger helper, we have that. That's not to say that when she visits she can't have the type of drink or snacks that she likes - we all have things we prefer. What I'm talking about is meals. I think that's the one thing that bothers me the most - she's never been taught to eat what's placed in front of her, she still eats like she's a toddler that can't eat adult food and you cater to that. If she doesn't like what we eat, then she doesn't have to eat. I guarantee you that after missing a meal (and not being allowed to snack or eat anything else until the next meal), that she will eat what we eat. It's not cruel or unusual punishment to ask a child to skip a meal if they refuse to eat what's put before them. A kid isn't going to starve to death by missing one meal, but they may learn that a home isn't a short-order restaurant.

If I could ask for anything where your behavior regarding your daughter is concerned, it would be this: stop coddling her. Loving your child is different than coddling her. I know you know this.

Just be a mother; if you wouldn't let another person or child treat you in a certain manner or talk to you in a certain way or demand that you march to their music, why would you allow your own child to do these things? I was a divorced mother; I had guilt too, but I also realized that my trying to coddle my children when they were around on visitation was a very bad thing. If I was their 'friend', they didn't respect me when I tried to parent them; friends don't act like parents to their friends, correct? My daughter and son are my friends now, because they've reached adulthood and we can discuss things without my having to be concerned that I will have to set boundaries for them. They are living life as it is - fair or foul - and they have the tools they need to survive, if they choose to use those tools. They have to accept the consequences for their choices in life.

Just give it some thought, okay? Just answer one question in your mind, Love - if you had to live with your eleven year old every day and night, would you let her act the way she is now? Would you not teach her rules and responsibility? Would you be willing to work full-time, do all the chores, only eat the foods she liked - or make two meals each night -, and put up with the 'whys' and the 'I don't knows' every day? Could you put up with defiance and sulking and pouting every day? If not, then teach her that every behavior has a consequence - fair or foul. Give her guidance and structure in life; teach her why there are rules in life and that when a child is still a child, a parent is a parent, not a buddy who does what you want them to do. Teach her that negotiation is something that's used as an adult; it's not to be used every time someone doesn't want to follow a request made by a parent or an adult.

HOUSE RULES

If you open it, close it.

If you turn it on, turn it off.

If you unlock it, lock it up.

if you break it, admit it.

If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.

If you borrow it, return it.

If you value it, take care of it.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you move it, put it back.

If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.

If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.

This is not a restaurant - when a meal is made, everyone eats the same thing.

If the pets don’t want to be played with, leave them alone.

RULES AND THE REASONS WE HAVE THESE RULES:

* I will be courteous to family members and guests. There will be no rudeness, putdowns or insults. I will answer questions when asked in a proper manner. I will not show disrespect to the other people in the home. If an adult asks me to so something that will not result in my harm, I will not argue or debate. The adult does not have to justify or discuss the request.

Reason: Polite and courteous behavior is necessary in order to be successful at school, work, in friendships, marriage and parenting.

* If I make a mess then I will clean it up and return it to they way I found it (unless a parent gives permission to clean up later). Messes in a family living area will be cleaned up or put away when I am finished. Messes in my room will be cleaned up before going to bed.

Reason: This behavior is necessary to get along with friends, roommates and your wife or husband. Employers expect you to clean up after yourself.

* Any family member who yells, screams, hits, bites, pushes or throws something in anger will take a mandatory time out for twenty minutes, then apologize, and then discuss the problem.

Reason: Employees are suspended, reprimanded and fired for inappropriate behavior at work. Destructive and violent behavior is a crime and you can be arrested, go to jail or be fined.

* I will ask before I borrow or take something that belongs to others. Borrowed items will be returned to the proper place and in good condition

Reason: Friends, co-workers and family members lose trust and resent people who damage or take things without asking. Stealing is against the law.

* . All family members will knock and wait for permission to enter a bedroom. Parents may enter after knocking without permission.

Reason: People expect others to respect their privacy at work and in their homes.

* I will not get out of consequences for breaking house rules or not getting what I want by pouting, acting like a victim, crying, acting rude, getting angry or throwing a temper tantrum.

Reasons: Making others feel miserable to get what you want is not acceptable behavior at school and work. Employers don’t want to employ people like this and people will not want to do business with you. Teachers and trainers will not pass you or give you better grades.

* If I am upset, depressed, angry or bothered I will take some active positive steps to deal with my feelings and problems. If there’s a problem, I will ask to talk about it.

Reason: Friends, teachers, husbands, wives and employers expect people to work their problems out and not make others feel miserable. Employers will fire you and your spouse will probably ask for a divorce and your children may dislike you a great deal.

* I will complete my daily and weekly assigned chores.

Reason: Employees and teachers will expect me to complete my work and assignments in order for me to be paid or receive credit toward my grades. Most employers don’t pay for half efforts and incomplete work. People don’t get paid for showing up.

*********************
Be Safe. Be Kind. Be Respectful (be polite, accept that some people have more power than you). Be Responsible (clean up your messes, keep your promises). Realize that you are not an adult’s equal when you are a child.