Why do so many of you attempt to control the way your husband deals with the mother of his children?
I realize that I risk offending many of you by asking this question. I don't intend to belittle or mock how difficult your situations are. I haven't been here long, but so many posts I've read are about how much you hate the mother of your husband's children. It seems to me you spend a lot of time thinking about her. I wonder if things would be simpler if you left her to your husband? In cases where she's an addict or violent or financially ruinous of course you may need to be involved but if she's just a pain in the ass why should she be a pain in your ass? Let your husband deal with her. He created children with her. She is his responsibility. And in my opinion, it is his duty to deal with her in a way that impacts your life as little as possible. To do otherwise is disrespectful to you.
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Oh boy...
Oh boy...
Oh dear. That's not my
Oh dear. That's not my intention at all. I don't think any of you are wrong. Frankly, I think the men in many situations are at fault. That's what I'm trying to get at here.
I'm honestly thinking along
I'm honestly thinking along these lines... Troll? Why post stuff that's obviously going to hit a nerve. I don't control how he deals with them. But I control how I deal with them. When something affects me, I deserve a say. And many many BMs involve us is their drama no matter how hard we try to avoid. I have a great BM and a horrid one. BM1 is a nightmare that has threatened m and my child just to "stir things up" in her words. I honestly don't think it's me or even my SO, it's her. Because things with BM2 are easy, there's almost never drama with her, and when there is it's usually for a reason. You have no idea Howe singer of these BMs can be, and it's not about our control over SO it's about them trying to maintain control, even if that means dragging SM into the BS.
Wow - Wait for the
Wow - Wait for the backlash....
Not to fuel the fire that is about to become this Post, but it is my right to have input on how DH deals with BM when her craziness affects my life....
I do leave her to him to deal with and that helps, but honestly, the few times I have had to have dealings with her are because of shit she has pulled that involved my life and my Biochild....
I wish it were this easy for most of us, but the BM's do tend to pull the 2nd wife in and it is up to us on how we deal with that. That said, in 7 years, I have spoken to BM one time and several emails and one letter. That is it, and only then because I had to....
I understand that the mother
I understand that the mother of your husband's children can affect your life. But when you say "the BM's do tend to pull the 2nd wife in" I would counter that she can only do that if your husband allows it. It's his job to deal with her in a way that makes your life as happy and simple as possible.
I don't think it's the DH's
I don't think it's the DH's fault, either. Nobody pulls me in against my wishes. *I* allow/disallow it.
Exactly how much control do
Exactly how much control do you think my husband has over a woman whom he divorced. It doesn't matter if my husband tells BM to stop calling me, stop talking crap about me, stop telling SS lies about me... she is going to do it. (none of that is true in my case, I am just saying).
Some of the woman on this board HAVE to step in and tell their DH how to deal with the BM because they are so used to taking their crap that they don't even realize what is going on. I tell you, if 8 years ago I didn't tell DH that he didn't have to put up with her BULLSHIT and that he is entitled to as much custody as she is, he would still be paying 75% of HER bills, and seeing his son one day a week because "she is the mom". **SMDH** if it were just this easy for everyone, we wouldn't need this website.
THIS ^ In my case she doesn't
THIS ^ In my case she doesn't care if the police tell her to stop bothering me.
That's dreadful. I'm so
That's dreadful. I'm so sorry. That's not the situation I'm referring to, of course.
You have to expect to get
You have to expect to get these kinds of comments when you approach with a "general" topic. Not every situation is the same here. In fact every single one is different. It would be nice if there was ONE BLANKET answer to all of our problems. If there was a CURE to the problem.
It is not terribly fair to come out with guns- a- blazin after only a day or two of being on this site. A lot of us have been here for YEARS, but have changed our screen names for privacy purposes, and we know each others stories. I get that you are trying to gain some insight, but my advice from one poster to another would be to have an open mind, don't assume anything of anyone and try to get to know people here before you approach with seemingly condescending topics. There are other ways to word these things without say "why do you all do this???". Well we don't "ALL" do whatever it is you are asking, and for those of us that DO, there is probably really good reason.
Well said
Well said
I will give you an example of
I will give you an example of how she pulled me in. My son heard something bad about SD from SS and told DH. Had to it was not something to keep secret. DH confronted BM (really lied to DH about situation). BM said it was all fine and she would back DH up on the needed punishment. Then told SS that BS told his secret...SS went off on BS that he will never trust him again....BS went off on DH and then was so upset, left room crying...
I was done...He lies and manipulation of the kids led to this affecting my child trying to do the right thing....I had to write a letter and ultimately SD no longer has a role in my life....With her gone, BM is not a problem....
See, this makes sense. Your
See, this makes sense. Your BS told a secret that SS told him. It makes sense SS was mad about it! (Even if parents needed to know.) I wouldn't trust BS with a secret in the future, either.
Who did you write a letter to? And was it the letter that removed SD from your/DH's life? Or was it other issues and a custody fight?
Letter to BM...The letter
Letter to BM...The letter just seemed to highlight problems that DH and BM had been avoiding. I was done with it.
BS was raised you don't keep secrets. This had to do with the other SD of BM's. Drinking at school and passing out drunk in the cafeteria. Water bottle filled with Vodka. If he had known and not told me, I would have grounded him for keeping secrets.
SDthen14 sued us to live with BM. We fought for months in court with lawyers only to give up on SD when SS said he wanted to no longer live with BM...So one has one and one has the other. No relationship really other than the occasional meal for either parent.
If only it were that easy.
If only it were that easy. What if BM makes accusations about the new woman in open court? What if she accuses her of drug use in mediation? What if she denies her XH visitation because *gasp* he has a woman in his life!? These are all things that have happen to women here. Sounds like you've got it easy, so no one expects you to understand, but try not to pretend you do.
My situation isn't nearly as
My situation isn't nearly as bad as many, but I still care what goes on because it directly affects ME.
Whether it is my hubby giving up his time, his money, or just getting in a bad mood (that I have to deal with) BMs behavior affects my life.
It's human nature to care about things that affect the quality of your life, isn't it?
Yes, of course. And I don't
Yes, of course. And I don't mean to imply that your husband can never be in a bad mood because of his former wife, but I do believe strongly that it is his responsibility to deal with her in such a way that you're never put in the position of feeling that you need to control the situation. I hope that makes sense.
Just so ya know, this post
Just so ya know, this post will pick a fight.
Personally, I think women can be control freaks. They think they are in charge of everything. How many times have you read, "MY house, MY rules" on here? Um, noooo, it's your collective house, and should be your and DH's collective rules.
Also, they don't want DH having ANY contact with BM that THEY don't approve of. They will circumvent phone calls, delete text messages, etc. I think that makes THEM crazier than the BM!
Of course, all this control generates drama, and then the SM complains/vents about the drama!
I didn't intend to pick a
I didn't intend to pick a fight, I am genuinely curious about why so many men shirk their responsibilities as fathers. Part of that responsibility is handling the mother of their children. I realize that I'm fortunate to have a husband whose former wife is relatively easy to deal with. And I'm fortunate that he deals with her in a way that impacts me very little. I'm not trying to sound superior, I just wonder why many women in this situation spend so much time fixated on the former wife? If it made them happy to do so, that would be one thing, but it seems to make them miserable.
I know you weren't trying to.
I know you weren't trying to.
It's an obsession. Many talk about what she looks like, whether or not she dates a lot, etc. I figure the more focused on MY life and MY family that I am, the less I'm even going to give a passing thought to BM.
My DH is a total pushover, so
My DH is a total pushover, so when BM texts or calls DEMANDING that DH provide for SD on top of what he already gives BM in CS, I blow a gasket. The few times I have had to directly interact with the BM is when she brings ME or MY BS into her BS with DH. When she says things like "If UFR's son can go to football camp than YOUR daughter better allowed to do so & so." Insinuating that DH has anything to do with what my Bio does. THAT pisses me off and I let her have it, because unlike HER, I do take care of my own child without always begging for handouts.
I don't really deal with her at all. But when she wants my DH to do something that will affect the bottom line in OUR home, I do get pissed off & I verbalize this to him.
"When she wants my DH to do
"When she wants my DH to do something that will affect the bottom line in OUR home, I do get pissed off & I verbalize this to him." I understand that.
She's asking legitimate
She's asking legitimate questions. Either because she's curious or just to see what makes some of us tick, but I think it's great dialogue. IMHO...
Here's one example: My BF
Here's one example: My BF used to hate any sort of conflict. When people raised their voice or got in his face a little he would give in to what they were saying, or walk away. BM used this to her advantage. She actually said in court that she had wanted to go to work and school while she was married to BF but he "wouldn't allow it". That, from my understanding, is completely untrue. But did BF speak up? Nope. That caused his alimony payments to be raised.
Ever since he's taken my advice about not letting her get away with talking out of her a$$, things have gotten so much better. If she wanted us to take SS6 on her time, all she had to do was throw a little hissy fit and BAM, she got it. More money, get in his face, BAM, she got it. She doesn't do that anymore, she knows it doesn't fly.
Some things for YOU to think
Some things for YOU to think about...
1. you are a NEWLY married woman...HUGE difference from MANY of us who are here...MANY of us have done exactly what you state at the "newly married or newly together" stage...things change quickly...you'll see...
2. you are a "career woman"...great, that means you only see the kid SOMETIMES, as you are at work...thus the impact to YOUR life is not as great as the impact to some women here who have to see their kids ALL THE TIME because they are SAHM, etc...
3. not every woman that is a BM is a nut, YOUR DHs ex-wife might not be, OURs are...BIG difference and be thankful if that is the case for you
4. if your husband works and YOUR work, great...just WAIT until your husband loses a job, gets a pay cut or similar and YOU have to not only support YOUR husband but the SKID because the BM is making YOUR LIFE miserable if you don't...I can assure you that you will make it YOUR business quickly
5. have you or your DH ever been sick and in a hospital? or had a real rough time because of circumstances OUTSIDE of your control? illness, house burns down, tornado takes your home away, etc? just wait until the day one of those things happen, your husband is busting his ass trying to take care of YOUR home or you and you have some OTHER woman calling him an ahole, a loser, an SOB and an SKID doing the same because he is focusing most of his time on you, your home, etc. or doesn't have enough to buy the kid the luxuries the BM expects
6. oh, you have no kids of your own? wow, just wait until the day you do and your skid starts teaching YOUR kid bad manners, touching your baby while she has chicken pox or lice and the BM and your DH think there is nothing wrong with it, while you are concerned about the life of YOUR BIO child
OK, just some things...THEN, and ONLY then, after you have experienced ANY of these, then you can come and ask us why we are so picky about the crazy ex, how our DH deals with her, etc...otherwise, continue on your merry way, because really, if you think it is all so darn great, there is no reason for you to be here. We'll talk to you in about 2 yrs or when you decide to have a kid with this guy...I can assure you that you will be here with another username trying to get sympathy.
Standing ovation
:jawdrop:
Standing ovation Herewegoagain......
You may very well be right.
You may very well be right. And this may not be the place for me. Thank you for your insight.
I meet 5 of your 6 points
I meet 5 of your 6 points above, and still see/agree with OP.
"You are not much of a wife
"You are not much of a wife (atleast not in my eyes) if you turn your back on your husband in his time of need." I agree. But I would also say that you are not much of a husband if you do not attempt to control, to the best of your ability, the life that came before so that your new life can unfold in a healthy, peaceful way.
I honestly have no idea what
I honestly have no idea what to make of the OP. I have read her previous blogs in one she is not a step-mother the next she is? I am concerned she is just trying to get everyone fired up? Just my opinion.
I am married to a man with a
I am married to a man with a 9-year-old daughter. I prefer not to use the term stepmother because it doesn't make sense to me for the reasons I've shared.
Did sueu get a new screen
Did sueu get a new screen name???!?!?!! Really, don't want to pick a fight?!?!? Then mind your business, come for support, be supportive, or hush. Don't insight a riot over things you are oblivious and ignorant to.
I'm terribly sorry. I'm a
I'm terribly sorry. I'm a very direct person and I see that I've taken the wrong tone. I didn't mean to offend. Believe it or not, I've read many of your blogs with concern, but I realize that with my very little experience my concern and curiosity can seem condescending.
I realize that I don't know
I realize that I don't know yet what I'm doing or who I am in this situation. That's why I'm asking questions. But I'm starting to realize that I should find somewhere else to ask them. I appreciate that you all have a supportive place here and I didn't mean to disturb it. Cheers!
No one is particularly
No one is particularly telling you to shove off. However, it would seem to me IMHO that what you SHOULD be starting to realize is that your tone is offensive to many here.
And since you're a writer, I'm sure you already understand that concept: tone. It can make or break a communication. You might have the best intentions in the world with your posts here (or maybe you don't), but from your tone it's difficult to tell what your intentions actually are.
Perhaps if you approached the questions you seem to want to ask with a more appropriate, respectful tone....you might get better responses. As it is, many here are saying that you're coming off as condescending.
IF you really want answers, try treating people here as....people....not something in a petrie dish to be observed.
PS - by the way, I am NOT
PS - by the way, I am NOT offended...although I know this response was not directed at me. But I too am a VERY DIRECT person. I have given you MANY, although NOT ALL of the reasons that many of us here become this way.
I do NOT mean to imply that our DHs are not responsible for putting these women in their place, dealing with them, etc. However, you can only be nice to someone constantly attacking you for so long. ie. DH would say "I understand, but X"...with a crazy ex telling you to f#$%ck off, the courts backing her up at SOME point your DH might just tell her to f#$%ck herself and guess what? He would then be viewed as a mean, abusive ex lol...and well, when it starts to impact YOU, your sanity, YOUR children, then it is NO LONGER just your DH's business, it IS your business.
You see, you might be able to say "it is up to DH to deal with her" because you have no kids together...but believe me, your maternal instinct will come out in FULL FORCE when someone does something that affects the life of YOUR CHILDREN...Many of us might have had the same view before we had kids that you do, but once it affected our children, then guess what? The ex and what she did was no longer just our DH's business, but OUR business. If she doesn't want me involved or he doesn't want me involved, then make sure it doesn't affect MY child in ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM...otherwise, you will hear from me.
Not being a mother, I can
Not being a mother, I can only imagine how protective you must be of your own children.
Now this post to me sounds
Now this post to me sounds controlling.
You're telling the OP what she should be doing??
I made a committment a long
I made a committment a long time ago that I would not seek out the BM; I would not engage her in conversation; I would not step on her "motherly" toes. I did this because she had shown her ass to me one too many times (usually she would yell and scream crap at me in front of my SK's and my BK's).
Soooo, pretty much my DH respects this (how could he not, he can't make ME talk to her). However, I can't stop her calling here when he's not home and leaving shitty voicemails. I can't stop her driving by to see if we're home. I can't stop her from talking shit about me to her kids. I also can't stop her from refusing to use CS on the kids for things like clothes and glasses, while she's dressed to the nines. But I think it's well within my right to discuss finances with my DH when the money I work hard for goes to pay for SK stuff because she refuses to use the CS for anyone but herself. And now, because of her tax-foolery, I probably won't ever be able to file a joint return with my DH ever again without it being scrutinized down to the last decimal.
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to live a peaceful life without the BM always having to act the fool and stir the pot. But alas, that's not my lot in life apparently. I tried to opt for the live and let live thing. But since the BM doesn't work and apparently has a lot of time on her hands, and gets off on doing all of the above I feel I do have a right to speak my mind to my DH, as I'm being pulled in whether I like it or not.
Oh, I absolutely believe you
Oh, I absolutely believe you have a right to discuss things with your husband. Do you feel he's doing his best to handle his former wife in a way that benefits you and his new family? That's all I'm curious about. I realize that he could do that and she could still be a crazy bitch but my point is that many of the women on this site seem unshielded, like they've been thrown to the wolves by their husbands and forced to deal with his former wife and his former life in a way that I find unnecessary and disrespectful.
I think you are correct in
I think you are correct in saying some are unshielded and have been thrown to the wolves. For a long time my DH wanted me to treat his Ex the way he did -- by either ignoring it, or "playing nice", because for many years prior to me being on scene, she would do stuff just to get him to give in. Fine, if that's the way he dealt and it only affected him. But when it started to affect me, my family, my household, and my finances? Hell no.
So sometimes it's the BM -- because no matter what, she is going to do whatever she wants to do whether it's within the confines of the law or not.
But sometimes it is also the DH -- wanting to make BM happy because he wants to avoid the drama, and expecting the New Wife to do the same. I'll be honest, I'm VERY territorial. I don't need another alpha bitch in this house, and I certainly don't want her running around peeing on my trees.
My SO has asked me to he's
My SO has asked me to he's done so because I can think with out emotion not being invested in the kids the way the parents are. She will be nasty and push buttons and try to provoke a response I'm his voice of reason as he says. He knows he's likely to spout off when she does what she does so he says to me what he wants to say to her and I give my "opinion" on how better to word it without hostility. That's about it in how I'm involved with his interaction with BM as he does all the rest himself he's a great guy loves his kids dearly but wants absolutely nothing to do with his ex so I really don't have to bother with more than "well instead of: you vicious lying manipulative cunt why the hell are you telling the kids to SAY xyz and not send them in fucking socks and put some god damn underware on them what the hell our dd STILL has fucking lice you stupid bitch. You could try hey the kids didn't have underware and socks on were you aware of this also I hope you noticed our dd still has lice and I will be again treating her and would hope you will work on treating her bedding while she's with me thank you."
She hates it she hates she can't get the rise she wants and he won't look an ass if the texts go to court.
Thank you for the laugh. You
Thank you for the laugh. You sound like a level-headed woman.
^^^^THIS^^^^^ 2 days here and
^^^^THIS^^^^^ 2 days here and she thinks she can set the world to rights.
I personally stepped in
I personally stepped in because the way he was handling BM was a down right cluster-fuck of a mess!!!
When he was dealing with her she could push every button and get a reaction out of him pretty much every damn time!!! So he would go into a texting war with her or over the phone...whichever it was at the time. She or skid would want money for this or that and He would basically let her push buttons and let her pretty much be the controlling c*** she was when they were married.
Sooo...ever since I came into the picture and offered to deal with her instead of him whenever she texts the replies are short, to the point and skid related only. Nothing more. And if she starts her bullshit her texts either get ignored or I reply back and simply say: "End of Discussion" at the end of whatever I say in the text and do not give her anymore of my time. However, BM doesnt know she is dealing with me, she thinks she is texting my BF, but I am the one who handles her and I fwd him the texts and he will either tell me what to say but usually he just lets me say whatever I want because he knows I will not put up with her bullshit!!! And because of me helping him see the light, that bitch and skid dont get a penny out of him other than the C/O amount he has no choice but to pay. $230.00 a wk is MORE THAN ENOUGH to take care of a 10 yr old!!! F them both!!!
And THAT is why I deal with BM.....and not him
Sounds like you're a positive
Sounds like you're a positive influence on the situation and you and your husband have found something that works for you. Bravo! My question was for those who insert themselves in the relationship and find that it doesn't work.
Totally understand....just
Totally understand....just had to throw in my 2 cents and scenario
not-really-my-thing, I
not-really-my-thing,
I haven't been a member of this site all that long myself. In the short time I've been here, I read & read & read people's stories, trying to see if this site was, in fact, something that could help me as I struggle with the dynamics of a situation that is crazy-making at best. What I found here is a group of men & women who are also struggling, some more than others on any given day. Most definitely there is a common bond among everyone here because we are all just trying to find the right answers for ourselves. I have also found a level of support from most everyone here. Not everyone's remarks always apply, but I value their perspective even if I don't happen to agree with it for my own situation.
In the short time you've been on this site, you have managed to make some disturbing generalizations that have pissed off some people. You categorize yourself as a career woman, working from home, who has no children of her own, who doesn't feel particularly drawn to her new husband's child, and who questions if she even possesses any maternal instinct. Yet, from that limited worldview, you have planted a flag on the hill wondering why women here who take on the role of STEPmother to a child (or children), who already have a mother, would put themselves in such a position...one of mothering these children...being there for them. You have declared that the husbands of women on this site should be doing a better job of managing their ex-spouse....in fact, you intimated that these husbands should be controlling their ex-wives.
For a woman in her 40s, as you claim to be, your worldview seems very narrow and you don't seem to have much empathy for others....until they call you out on something you've said and then you apologize, saying that it wasn't your intention to offend...or hurt....or generalize...or whatever.
You've categorized yourself as someone who is fine being alone with herself, and that's great if that works for you. I hope, for your sake, that your new husband's daughter can find a way to fit into the world you are attempting to create....one with order, where you control others, and where she had better not attempt to behave like a child....with the accompanying chaos that usually comes with childhood.
Meanwhile, if you TRULY do not want to offend or hurt anyone here, you might try spending more time reading before you go posting potentially inflammatory remarks.
This is, of course, merely my humble opinion. Others here may not agree with me.
I agree with your opinion,
I agree with your opinion, FWIW.
I honestly have never had to
I honestly have never had to step in. SO knows how to handle her and sometimes he can be harsh with her but at least she doesn't walk all over him. So Im lucky in that sense..I just let him deal with BM..he does a great job and its actually entertaining for me.
Since she's moved away with her new man, she hasn't been a problem, we actually are civil to one another when we see each other. I think I may be one of the rare ones on this board.
But I will admit she's a crappy mom. She doesn't take care of them properly, she just expects her parents to buy the skids everything so she can spend her money on herself. She's lazy too..seems like the only reason she even has them is for the CS money. When we had them for a month, she called them twice..thats it, just couldn't be bothered to tear her ass away from partying and hooking up long enough to call skids.
Oh well, I stay out of it. Not my kids, not my problem.
The XSpouse is not the
The XSpouse is not the responsibility of our spouse. The kids are. We get involved because we are equity partners in our marriages and we are equity parents to our Skids.
When our partners, marriages and families are challenged by an outside toxic influence we defend our partners, our marriages and our families.
I would not want to be in a marriage or a family that was any other way.
"We are equity parents to our
"We are equity parents to our Skids." Interesting. Could you please elaborate? I think I know what you mean but I don't want to assume.