OT - Cheating
There have been a couple of threads on here that have talked about cheating.
I'm wondering if you would want to know if your SO had an affair. If it meant nothing and was over and done, would you still want to know?
I have a friend who had an affair about 12 years ago. It was a quick dirty work thing. She was feeling taken for granted and not appreciated in her marriage.
This guy at her work chatted her up, made her feeling beautiful and sexy and all the things she hadn't felt in years. She had an emotional affair with him for about 3 months then she slept with him once and immediately regretted it.
She realized how much she loved her husband and family. Luckily the guy respected her enough to keep his mouth shut and she told no one but me and one other friend. She left the job and got another one.
Her DH has no idea and never will, at least not from me, her or the other friend.
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I probably wouldn't want to
I probably wouldn't want to know.
I know that one can cheat without it meaning anything, not that that makes it okay. I once cheated on a boyfriend that I had been with for about 1 1/2 months. I realized right away that I was not the cheating type.
It's happened to me. I
It's happened to me. I thought I would want to know everything. Looking back, I wish I hadn't known about it. "What I don't know won't hurt me". If my DH wants to leave me, I don't need to know details. He doesn't want to lose me and our family, so knowing hasn't helped our relationship.
Geez.....calling her friend a
Geez.....calling her friend a whore???? Dang girl.
I don't call BM's who cheat a
I don't call BM's who cheat a whore. I never call a cheater a whore. But that's just me.
I didn't make any excuses. I
I didn't make any excuses. I said what happened. And her behaviour isn't the question, the question is would you want to know.
Name call all you want, I define a whore as someone who gets paid for sex, yours is apparentlydifferent.
I was actually responding to
I was actually responding to Tommar who said I was making excuses for my friend.
So no worries, it's good to have open discussions where we can all express our thoughts and ideas.
No kidding. Pretty damn
No kidding. Pretty damn judgmental.
Want to see a whore? That would be BM, who will sleep with anyone who will help her pay her bills. That's a whore.
A whore IS a prostitute.
A whore IS a prostitute. There needs to be an exchange of money, etc., in order for that term to work.
Someone that cheats on their SO and does not gain monetarily is...... A liar and a cheat.
At least a whore gets paid!!
I'm with you, tommar.
I'm with you, tommar.
No, no double standard
No, no double standard here.....I would also never call an 11 year a slut. Nope.
Oh dear. I just lost a bet.
Oh dear. I just lost a bet.
Bahahahahahaha! I just now
Bahahahahahaha! I just now saw this. }:)
It is so hard to ignore the
It is so hard to ignore the ignorance isn't it!
I am going to keep on walking on by.
once again I find myself
once again I find myself agreeing with tommar. Commitment is one level, but to me, marriage is a whole different level of commitment. One doesn't have vows, the other does.
I didn't say there wasn't
I didn't say there wasn't commitment in a relationship.
I said I believe there is MORE in a marriage.
In my heart I feel like
In my heart I feel like marriage is 'more' than living together, or a serious relationship. But I know that is not true. I think marriage is more important in North America, where living together is more for the whippersnappers in their 20s.
I got married. My husband was happy to get married, would have been happy not to get married. He only cared about being with me.
I cared about gathering my friends and family together and making a big deal about welcoming him and his family into mine. He only cared about being with me.
I know I use the word whore
I know I use the word whore all too often like the totally out of context "ignore the whore" mantra.
A whore by definition is a woman who has sex for money. Most of the trashy sluts we are talking about give it away.
I do not know if the proper word for a married woman who cheats is whore, slut, tramp, or just plain selfish bitch.
But I do think that the decision to lie and cheat is reprehensible. It speaks of a total lack of character, and probably a lack of self respect.
Here here Lady!
Here here Lady!
I agree with you about 95%.
I agree with you about 95%. But there are some times (rare) where the cheated on spouse does not have a clue. It can be a ONS where the cheater goes into protect mode. Or it can be a pathological psychopath liar who is very very good at hiding things.
I've told my spouse that cheating to me ranks right up with physical abuse. Hit me once or cheat once and you are DONE. My poor DH says I'm not going to do either. I believe him but I still maintain my stance.
My BFF left a guy like this.
My BFF left a guy like this. Luckily she didn't marry him. They broke up for reasons other than cheating but she found out from his next ex that he'd been with at least 10 if not 20 different women while they were together. He'd kept a spreadsheet of all his women, age, height, professions, ect. It was really gross. He'd also been talking to men online. He's a true narcissist, needs to be adore all the time but can not love the way we do.
The next ex's kid hated him and broke into his computer. He found so much dirt it was amazing!
She had no clue that he was cheating, none at all. He was home with her every night, they went shopping together, he would get upset if she wanted to go out with the girls, their sex life never changed.
Like your ex, he could lie so easily. And it was easier for him to lie than to tell the truth.
That kind of serial cheating is different in my opinion that a one time thing. Obviously I'm in the minority here and most think that all cheating is the same.
Should you tell SO/DH, that
Should you tell SO/DH, that opens a whole new can of worms.
I would never ever tell my friends husband. He doesn't need to know, it would only hurt him and could end their marriage. Are they living a lie? I don't think so. I think whatever it was that caused her to cheat in the first place is fixed. I think that they are both very happy in their marriage now. If she'd just had the emotional affair and not go thru with the physical would it still be as bad? At the time it might have been, but now 12 years later?
I think if their marriage is a lie, they'll figure it out without me telling on her.
Asshat cheated on me with his
Asshat cheated on me with his now wife. At the time, she was a subordinate on his project team. They were in Australia for six weeks on a project. I had no idea, until he came home. I had to run to the store, and it was raining. I couldn't find my umbrella and he told me to grab his out of his briefcase. As I started pulling things out in my quest to find the umbrella, I found a book - "Divorce with Minor Children in Michigan."
Yep - that's how I found out. I took the umbrella, put the book back and headed to the store. One of the things I purchased was a giant box of Hefty bags. Threw the box at his head when I returned and told him to get the fuck out.
That's how I roll.
A man or a woman who lies and
A man or a woman who lies and cheats is just a despicable piece of trash. I've told my DH that if he finds the need to move on that he can at least send me a text msg letting me know it's over before engaging his dick. He thinks I'm crazy but I mean it. It's the lying that's the worst. If some one tells me that it's over I do not call it cheating.
Wow, some very strong
Wow, some very strong opinions.
Thanks for answering.
I personally wouldn't want to know. I think some people admit to things years later as a way to ease their conscience and just stir up crap that was better left unsaid.
I do think if there was an ongoing affair I'd know but if it was a one time thing years ago, nope keep it to yourself.
Oh the slut shaming and
Oh the slut shaming and judging... Let she who is without sin cast the first stone!
An acquaintance of mine told me how she had cheated on her husband for similar reasons. He was a cop, they had 3 kids, she was ignored, a co-worker paid attention to her...same old story. She confided all of this in a friend who now lived in a different state. The affair petered out after a few weeks and it was over. Fast forward a few months: Acquaintance and her husband are out to eat and "trusted friend" calls to check in and see how everything is going, she asks to say hi to her husband. Acquaintance hands over the phone and trusted friend tells all. Her husband kicks her out, gets full custody of the kids because he's a cop, quickly remarries...end of story.
Is the acquaintance a "whore?" Is the trusted friend a royal "B" or such a great person for telling her husband the truth? Maybe cop husband was cheating and that's why he was ignoring his wife. Maybe he was cheating with the woman he quickly went on to marry.
Cheating sucks, cheaters suck, it sucks to be cheated on. But there's ALWAYS two sides to the story. As to your ? of whether I'd want to know...nah. At this point in my life I'm just so over past drama crap bs. If Dh felt like he needed to have a fling...whatever. Honestly I just don't have the energy to investigate and get all angry about it. At 20 or 30 it would have destroyed me but now...bah...I know that women are more highly evolved and men are stunted by testosterone and their tiny one eyed heads.