Hi all, 

I'm glad I found this group. I have found that being a stepmom has been incredibly isolating, and I feel like no truly gets it when I share with friends/family/sometimes my spouse (when it comes to his ex: F). Man, I don't even know where to start. I've started typing and then I erase everything because it's too damn much. 

Basically, from 2019-now F has been uncooperative, deceitful (with my spouse, her family, her son, and the legal system), and just overall difficult to co-parent with. F has made several accusations with DSS against my spouse that have all gone unfounded. She believes my spouse "shut them down" and made the cases go away. She currently believes that my spouse has hacked her entire life. Like, electronic devices, her family, ME, and the guardian ad litem.

In 2023, F "gave up" her son to us with the original excuse being her bathroom was being worked on, but we found out over the course of a few weeks that she was not doing well mentally (we've all suspected this for years). I commend her for doing so because at least, deep deep down in her right mind she knew her son would be in good hands. She ended up being hospitalized for a week for paranoia, psychosis, delusions and suicidal ideation. When things went "back to normal" on her end, she asked for visitation, and my spouse being the good human being that he is, let her take him and she ended up keeping him from school because she thought my spouse was getting a passport to take the child out of the country while he was traveling for work.

My spouse was eventually granted temp sole custody, and she was granted visitation on Sat&Sun from 9am-6pm with visitation at her parents house. A guardian ad litem was appointed to this case. 

My spouse did everything on time to get the ball rolling. For several months, F avoided the guardian. When the guardian was able to get a hold of her, an appointment would be made and then F would cancel them with little to no notice. She told the guardian that she woulnd't do a virtual meet because my spouse would hack the meeting. In the report, the guardian states she wasn't able to hold a linear conversation at any point in time, F claimed to not know the current state of the situation, and that she had never seen the legal documents that were presented to her. 

Fast forward to April 2024, mediation was scheduled and F didn't show up. Her lawyer was not able to get in contact with her. No one is ever able to get in contact with her. I'm assuming this is because she doesn't trust that my spouse isn't listening to her conversations or reading emails/texts. No one knows. 

Here's what gets me riled up: my spouse does everything right with the legal system, but that's it. He doesn't lay down boundaries, he isn't firm with her, he gives her too many chances/is too lenient, no consequences, etc. 

It drives me absolutely insane. He is one of the most intelligent and confident people I know. He's very sure of himself and does not back down from his opinions -respectfully- when he knows he's in the right, which is usually often (sigh). With her? He crumbles. He's not as firm, not as quick, and gives in. I recognize this because I'm like with my ex (a different story for another time)!! I understand 100% how difficult it can be to face someone who has made your life vastly more complicated. I understand and can empathize with how much he cares about his son's relationship with his mom and how he views her (because I also struggle with that with my son and his dad). He's also trying to set the right example, and I get that. But to what extent?? Their son sees how his mom gets her way when it comes to interactions between them. 

Example 1: Her visitation is 9am-6pm on Sat&Sun. She shows up between 7:00-7:45am with no notice. (This has been going on since the order was given. July 2023). Why? Because he has never set the boundary. The solution/boundary could've been: "Hey, the order states your visitation starts at 9:00am. Can you come back in X hours? If you'd like more time outside of the agreement, I'd be happy to discuss that another time. Additionally, can you give me a heads up next time?" 

Example 2: She was offered weekday visitation - she could pick him up at X time, take him to practice, and then dinner. She showed up at Y time (an hour and 15 min early) with no notice. When my spouse said, "Oh, you're early." she said, "I know." ... Guys, I wanted to scream. I only know because the Nest camera recorded this -and all- interactions. "I know" ??!! My spouse could've said, "He's not ready because he's in the middle of doing homework. Can you come back at X time like we discussed?" but he didn't. He just let it happen. What ended up happening? She didn't bring him back home until 7:45pm. We start to wind down/get ready for bed at 7:00pm. At 7:00pm, she pulled into the driveway, realized she didn't actually take him to dinner, and then drove back out. Another excuse she gave, "I thought drop off was before dark." and then also claimed she left because my spouse's car wasn't there, but mine was. And I was on the porch. The reality: drop off has never been before dark, she has always brought him home on time/early, and she has dropped him off before when I'm the only one who's been home.

Example 3: She showed up at 7:30am without notice asking to see her son, who was already in school. When asked why she needed to see him, she gave some weird excuse about needing/picking up clean clothes and about dropping off cookies -that she didn't even have with her-. I asked her not to show unannounced, and if she texted beforehand. She didn't acknowledge me at all. Literally didn't even look at me. Instead, she asked my spouse if he was speaking, or if I was speaking.. I reiterated that I am the one speaking, and that I also live there and her coming by unannounced makes me uncomfortable. The conversation continued into the drop off incident from days prior, and she claimed it was related to their son having "confusion around electronics". When asked to clarify, she said, "Oh, I forgot you don't study that anymore." and began to walk away, but asked about Mother's Day visitation. Of course my spouse granted her only two hours (considering drop off has been an issue lately). She didn't seem to like that, but she ended up leaving.

Later, when I wento save the Nest video, I noticed she knocked and then looked inside the house while she waited for the door to be answered. The whole interaction was bizzare. **my spouse has asked her a few times to not come unannounced, and she still does it. I've come up with an action plan -since I feel I'm the only one being proactive about this-, with the support from my cop friend, to call the police next time and have her on trespass notice next time shows up randomly.**

We come to find out that what actually happened during the drop off incident. My stepson told my spouse that his mom was telling him that my spouse hacked into her family's minds/bodies and controlled them back in the day when they were together. He agreed with her so he could get ready to go back home, but she wouldn't take him back home, so her dad got invovled and was going to bring him home, but she got angry and they started fighting. My stepson was upstairs away from the fight, but he could hear the yelling. F had come upstairs and was talking about the hacking again, and he told her none of that was true and she got mad at him. She fought with her dad again, and eventually stormed out. He said as they drove past her house (she lives on her parent's property), he heard her scream in anger. 

It's been two days and my spouse has yet to speak with her father about this incident (who is the most sane out of those in her family - but is starting to become untrustworthy due to other information we found out), has yet to email our lawyer about this, and has yet to tell her she will not able to pick up her son on Mother's Day due to the concerning nature of the last visitation. He is very busy with work, and this is quite stressful, but the emotional (possibly physical) safety is at stake here and should take prescedence.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills and I know I'm missing so much more in this post. Am I in the wrong for suggesting he try to do more? I have expressed my frustrations, worries, thoughts, opinions, but I am fucking tired of it, man. She will keep doing this shit if HE himself doesn't put his foot down. Not the courts, HIM. His child's/my stepson's emotional safety is compromised every time he's with her, she constantly violates boundaires, her behavior is unpredictable, my emotional safety is threatened, and the harmony and balance of our family/relationship is threatened every time he chooses not to say something/let things slide. Is that not enough?? Everyone uses the excuse that she's mentally ill (we suspect borderline, or schizophrenia), but mental health IS NOT an excuse! Boundaries need to be rigid and consistent. Advocate for the safety of your child. At the end of the day, this is about the child. She has proven time and time again that she cannot be trusted or responsible.

Also, my spouse is an incredible person. He continues to show her respect and be fair even when she doesn't deserve it/hasn't earned it. I just wish he would put the same fire he did into my situation with my ex into his situation with his ex. He's so capable, and I don't understand why he takes it easy on her. She takes advantage every time. 

Thanks for making this far.