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Seeking compassion

octaviar's picture

Submitted by octaviar on Wed, 11/13/2013 - 1:04pm

Finally! I'm feeling some compassion for my skids. We have been taking the whole group to therapy every other week and Skid 17, said something really sad last time.

My bs 17 was confronting me for not being as affectionate to him lately (we are dealing with separation issues as he is getting ready to leave the nest and go away to college) and ss 17 shared how he thought we were a very close family when they first met us. He talked about how he would come over and be surprised to see us joking and hugging and kissing and being generally warm and affectionate with each other.

It was heartbreaking to realize my skids have never had that with their mom. I've known all along that she is neglectful but the reality of that is lost on me sometimes. It makes living with them hard. They don't have a natural "relax" setting. Nor do they know how to share feelings, be affectionate, and just be real. It's hard to feel compassion when I'm angry or frustrated with the million little things my kids already know that they have no clue about. It was a good reminder for me to realize why they have no clue.

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JustAnotherSM's picture

Submitted by JustAnotherSM on Wed, 11/13/2013 - 2:09pm

I can relate to this. I had a lot of resentment towards my SS-then-13 when he came to live with DH, me and our newborn baby. I can remember being surprised when he told DH that he was jealous of the baby. I thought to myself "How can he be jealous? We just moved him from the small bedroom to the basement so he has more space and more privacy. He has all the latest electronics and a ton of new clothes. He doesn't have to do any chores and gets an allowance. And now he gets to be a big brother and spend time with DH every day."

He later told me that he felt it wasn't fair that baby was going to grow up in a household with two loving parents who were willing to work together in baby's best interest while he never had that opportunity. Wow. He was right. It wasn't fair. And that helped me to replace the resentment with compassion for SS.