Finding Balance/ Facing Ourselves/ Line?
summing: SD 21 has been very juvenile, failing to pick up after herself or help in any way.
I had a conversation with DH about this tonight. We talked about her whispering. We talked about her refusal to chop vegetables and not helping in any way. He knows that he enables her in some ways. He has in the past had long conversations with her about some of this stuff--like her failure to hold onto my dog when walking her which led to a bad situation which could have led to my dog dying and her reaction was to go on and on about her scraped palm instead of apologizing. But he asked again tonight....is there a forum, is there somewhere he can get ideas about how to help her with her issues? [In part, I suspect she's on the Asperger's spectrum.]
So I started to unload the dishwasher tonight. She actually shocked me by asking can she help. Did her dad talk to her already? I never saw or heard him do it. I have no clue.
But I find that even when she does what I want her to do I am still angry.
Why and how do we deal with this? Is it because she hasn't apologized for nearly getting my dog killed and killing the plant that was very meaningful to me and that's all going to slide? Is it because I don't believe this will last?
How do we get over the anger of other things? How do we look clearly at what is their fault and where we ourselves need to let go of the past and forgive and accept that s.kids are now doing what we wanted. Each time she's here, I become more aware of just how deeply angry I am that her failure could have led to my dog's death and she deflected and manipulated with my poor palm is scraped and played that up for three effing weeks.
Not only is my dog a very unique and expensive breed that is not easy to acquire...but I wanted this breed for a very specific reason related to my work...and this dog/breed is uniquely loving and affectionate like no dog I've ever experienced before. I was at a funeral on top of it, when we got the call that she stupidly didn't hold onto this dog while walking her, leading to a bad situation that literally could have ended with my dog's death. AND NEVER ONCE DID SHE ACNOWLEDGE THE SEVERE RESULTS TO MY DOG. She only went on and on for three effing weeks about her scraped palm. Yeah, her palm was ripped up badly and that was my dog's fault. But my dog could have died because she didn't take basic precautions she knew were needed.
I guess writing it out helps me see where my anger is coming from. This is the most beautiful, sweet, affectionate dog ever. And she could be dead now because of this girl's utter incompetency. And I want things to be good and now she offers to help with the dishwasher and I realize how angry I still am.
How do we deal with ourselves and our own anger?
You are fixated on something that didn’t happen.
Any dog can be at risk at any time when on a walk. If you are going to remain fixated on what might could possibly have happened to your dog, you don't need a dog. There where no severe results for your dog.
And, as much as the plant is significant to you, it is only a plant.
You are investing so much in hating this kid that my concern is that you are damaging your own life.
The whispering? I would be all over that. That is just rude. Keep in mind that your DH is just as guilty of this as his daughter is.
Take care of yourself.
I think this type of
I think this type of resentment and fixation occurs when people do not address behaviors that are insulting or intolerable to them. They let it go, but their feelings don't go away. They build up until the last straw is all they can think of. Women in particular want to be seen as nice, accepting, "good with kids." They don't feel empowered to address things directly. They don't feel sure enough of themselves in some cases to even speak up at the first, second, or third (or 20th) offense. Finally, maybe after a year of abuse, they do a Google search about certain behaviors, because they don't know if they are justified in feeling upset or if there is something wrong with them. They find this site and by the time they build up the courage to post, it's bad. Really bad. Probably already past the point of where they should have ended the relationship because they have shut their mouth and tolerated so much they will never get over the anger.
Or maybe that's just me. But i suspect it's a lot of posters here.
As usual, I only skim the surface.
Maybe it is a self preservation thing for me. If I stick to the behaviors I don't have to delve overly deeply into the drama emotionally.
Confront the behavior and let the perpetrators work through their drama on their own. In ways that do not drag others in.
Definitely correct for me
Rumplestiltskin, you've described perfectly the sequence I went through before it dawned on me that I was being mistreated and needed to put my foot down. And yes--I found this site through a Google search of whatever outrage was tormenting me at the time. It's also true that I will never really get over the months and months of disrespect I endured at the hands of SS, BM and DH, and that I will never fully trust my DH again.
The issue is more, if she can
The issue is more, if she can't handle a dog, SHE should not have a dog. And the issue was not so much that she messed up--but that she failed to just own up and say, "I'm sorry," and instead used emotional manipulation. It's also not merely about the dog, but about a string of such behaviors of childish irresponsibility.
Yes, maybe my dog is 'only' a dog and maybe the plant is 'only' a plant--but when I begin to wonder which of my things is going to be damaged next and start to wonder how much it's 'an accident,' we have a problem.
I don't hate her. I find her incredibly irritating and I've been ending up playing maid and cook to her when she's here.
And keep in mind the whole point of my post was exactly that we must also look at ourselves--that there is a human tendency to struggle to get over anger when someone seems to be changing and we all need to look at ourselves and hold ourselves accountable, too.
Do what you need to do for
Do what you need to do for you. We all struggle with elements of the blended family experience.
Take care of yourself.
I asked myself a very similar
I asked myself a very similar question today. The truth is anyone would become angry and resentful if they were in our shoes. That is why so many SM's are fed up. We're no different from other women, we just deal with a worse set of family dynamics. My SD's do not take feedback, apologize or accept responsibility for their rude, disrespectful or inconsiderate actions. Instead when confronted they throw such a fit that it is easier to ignore, not talk to them or let sleeping dogs lie than confront their bad behavior. If I were DH I would be more relentless than they are until they shaped up or shipped out but DH has a hard time holding a hard line because they are his kids. It is crazy making and we can only be responsible for ourselves as they will have to one day learn to be responsible for themselves. My SD's also are very inconsistent from one week to the next. Just when there seems to be a positive development they turn into little diablas again. The bipolar behavior destroys trust and is not a roller coaster I am willing to take. Until they show some long term consistency I am going to be angry at them. I don't do 2 faced. I consistently treat them with civility but I have no enthusiasm for the fleeting moments when they act a little better. One reason that DH's marriage to BM fell apart is that he never knew what he was going to get when he walked in the door, Jekyll and Hyde. SD's did not fall far from the tree.
I agree with the part about
I agree with the part about not getting excited over the fleeting moments they "act right." A bioparent will get excited over this but a SP sees them for the people they really are, especially when the skid is an adult.
I understand
My SD60 lived with us for 10 months during which she stole silver, jewelry and what could be pawned, including my silver baby cup. She also made our lives hell with her drug use and unstable behavior. Her presence caused discord in our marriage. Like you, I ask myself why I still harbor such distaste over a baby cup, it's only a trinket. I see her trying to make amends but I can barely be civil and secretly wish the ground would open up and swallow her. I dont like to think of myself as an unforgiving person but I guess I am.
These people's behavior is such that we have to erect boundaries that aren't necessary with others. It makes us feel we are being harsh when we are really just protecting ourselves from more hurt.
Well, her asking once to help
Well, her asking once to help unload the dishwasher isn't exactly representative of her having moved past all the things that annoy you.
Without more info it's hard to know if she sees what happened with the dog as being as severe as you do, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that you have to deal with a poorly parented skid who lacks empathy for others, and your DH excuses her poor behavior because she lost her mom, was allegedly abused by his past wife and may or may not be on the spectrum. He could and should have stopped the whispering years ago.
Personally, I think it's your DH you should be annoyed with, but you are deflecting onto SD because it's safer. Not that her behavior isn't annoying, but he has the power to stop some of it, and he won't.
I suspect she may be on the
I suspect she may be on the autism spectrum and DH was talking to her about these things over the summer.
He did tell her to help with the cleaning after Christmas dinner and she did.
We talked about the whispering and he and I both think it's at least partly a result of feeling she had to keep quite and invisible around the previous SM. What I failed to tell him is that he himself talks very softly back. The SM/XW was always lashing out at him, too, and I think they both developed a habit of trying to 'hide' from her.
I've talked to him about it once--I'll give it a few days and mention to him that he himself is doing it. I think he's genuinely unaware that he's also doing it.
This topic is spot on
The WORST thing about being in a second marriage is that no matter what husbands kids do, he will always gaslight you and side with his blood spawn. That makes me long for a first marriage with more normal dynamics. And yes you can have parents side against spouse over a kid but second marriages are a set up for this.
DH will never agree with me.
I find it hard to accept. How can he not think that his 30 something daughter owes me a 2 word text thank you??? She thanks him for a gift she KNOWS I bought.
how does he not see that his daughter staying at his house instead of staying at our house so he is going there to see her for a day or so is not an end run against spending time with me and my kids?
they always side against us don't they?
Well, not all of them do this
Well, not all of them do this. And you shouldn't accept it as the way it's going to be.
He doesn't always side with
He doesn't always side with her. In fact, he's always listened when I talk to him about these things and has gone and talked to her. On my part, I'm trying to walk a line of not ragging on his daughter all the time, either.
He did tell her to help with the clean-up after dinner last night and she did. We'll see how things continue while she's here.
"Do you have a sore throat,
"Do you have a sore throat, SD? No? Then speak up! It's rude to whisper. "
Successful blended families…
Aren't like a 12step program.
No one has to suffer or fail for others to succeed.
I think you need to calmly
I think you need to calmly tell her how you feel about the incident with your dog. She's never going to learn empathy unless someone holds her accountable for her behavior. Empathy needs to be taught.
This is something parents have to do with toddlers.
Therapists have had some success doing this with narcissists. They call it Insight Oriented Therapy.
Teachers use worksheets called Restorative Practices Behavior Reflection worksheets.
Tell her you are having a hard time forgiving what happened, tell her how it made you feel. She may not apologize or understand, but at least you got it off your chest.
ETA: Your dog is not "just a dog", he's your furbabby and a part of your family.
At the end of each meal, announce "Everyone put your plate in the dishwasher please", even if your kids already know, so she won't feel targeted. Have all the kids take turns cleaning the kitchen according to a schedule.
Thank you. I think you're
Thank you. I think you're right. I avoid such conversations because in my past, they never did any good. However, I'm in a place where DH knows she has some work to do and talks to her about it and I realize this conversation may be needed for us to move forward.
To be clear, I was upset about the potential consequence to my dog--but I was MOSTLY upset that she went straight to poor me, this is all about me mode and it was clear emotional manipulation to avoid ever just saying, "I'm sorry." I spent three weeks getting daily updates about a scrape on her palm and she went to urgent care twice and gave constant updates about literally a scrape on her palm. Then she killed my plant in that time frame too, but it was still all about her.
It felt very much like being told neither I nor anything of mine matters, she is the one who matters and she can harm anything of mine and I need to actually feel sorry for her.