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Dh complaining about my disengagement

onstrike's picture

Submitted by onstrike on Wed, 03/16/2016 - 9:35pm

I've been disengaged for a while now and Dh is not happy about it. I'm not rude, I still say hi to sd9 and ask her how her day was, but I no longer shop for her, cook for her, get her little surprises,do things with her,or clean up after her. She is the pickiest eater I have EVER seen, which I think is an attention seeking behavior. She is whiny and embarrassing to be out in public with. A few months ago Dh asked me to shop for these skirts that she likes and I went all over the place to find them. I not only got the skirts but a bunch of other adorable outfits to surprise her with. During an argument Dh threw all of that in my face and said "why didn't you TAKE her shopping?" Ummm, no Dh, I'm not interested in doing that with bratty sd9. I can't win. Nothing is ever appreciated or good enough. I finally thought, screw this! Now I do nothing. Dh has the gall to complain!!!!!

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Amcc13's picture

Submitted by Amcc13 on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 3:51am

Yep that's it exactly what Sally says. She has parents, she doesn't need you to be parent too.
Your partner has finally ended up with the level of work he now has to do with the brat
Keep it up. If he doesn't like it too bad- not your circus not your monkey
Sounds like he will never be happy with what you do- be wary of that trait in someone

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:41am

Been there, lived that! On Valentine's Day every year, I always get DH and BS6 some little gifts, candy, etc.. So the first year that SD was living with us, I thought I would get her something too... A. because I thought it would be a good way to TRY and engage with her (I was super, duper DISengaged) B. I didn't want her to feel left out when she saw DH and BS6 gifts.

Well BS6 and DH are simple.. I know them, love them and know exactly what they like so I had their treats bought in a jiffy. I spent DAYS trying to decide what to get SD... I ended up getting her body spray (but stressed about what scent??), nail polish (but stressed about what color??), and candy. I DID know that SD did NOT like chocolate, so I scoured the store looking for some Valentine's candy that was NOT chocolate. (Try it sometime.. it's NOT easy!)
Anyway, I ended up getting her some Altoids that were in a heart shaped tin. So Valentine's rolls around, everyone gets their gifts, SD says thank you.. everything is all good right? WRONG

A few days later, DH mentions that wasn't it just snarky of me to get SD candies with a devil girl on the front... that she and he both agreed that I did it because I don't like her. ??????? I flipped my shit... and NEVER did anything for SD again. I mean the fact that I stressed for literally DAYS trying to make sure I got her just the right things, things that she would like, that I actually put thought and effort into it and THAT's what I get??? Let her feel left out.. better yet, let her fucking FATHER or worthless mother worry about getting her something next time. D.O.N.E. spells DONE!

.. oh and see for yourself... this is the exact one I got her. WTF??? is the big deal??? (https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fs-media-cache-ak0.pin...)

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:43am

Okay, I just burst out laughing. Daizy, I really am fond of you but I can see how they could have misunderstood that gift. hehehehehehe I am going to be chuckling over this for hours.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:47am

See, the thing is, if I truly wanted to be snarky.. I'd own that shit!
I've admitted to throwing SD stuff in the garbage, hiding her clothes that she left in the dryer etc. I own it.
But there was NO hidden meaning behind that stupid tin of Altoids!!!!!!!

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:49am

Biggrin I am canning myself, objectively though I could see it being misunderstood. Hilarious to me and very thoughtful of you to have included her. I can still see that tin upsetting the cart. It has a woman on it, in red with horns.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:54am

See now I wish I DID do it purposely, cause I guess it would have been the perfect snarky thing to do. }:)

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 8:50am

Keep on keeping on and let him complain. The art to disengaging is time, time and more time. It will become vastly easier for you the longer you stay disengaged and increasingly harder for your partner. Why? Because suddenly dh is thrust into parenting his OWN child. Repeat after me, "Not my monkey, not my circus."

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Thu, 03/17/2016 - 10:49am

Yes, happened to me more frequently until he lost it one day.
Totally yelling and frustrated with me (two weeks ago).
BUT I'll tell you, that started a serious discussion between us that I don't believe could have happened unless I'd disengaged.

I am still disengaged, he still has to learn.
BUT he's being much, much more considerate of MY time and MY choice to do things.
He's ASKING me if I could help with "X" instead of assuming I'll just do it.

Stick with it. Sally is right, it could get worse, but he has to learn.
Oh, and my opinion too...never buy anything for steps.
I won't even spend $1.99 on hair clips. Nope, won't do it. "Ask your Dad."
That's how you withdraw from clothing purchases.
The most I'll do is pick some stuff out on line, forward the link to DP, and then it's up to him to either ask SD(s) if it's what they want and up to him 100% if he buys it.