Feeling used
I married a man later in life. He has 3 grown children, all in their 30's. One lives with us. He is disabled military but not civillian. He is late 30's and sits in his room all day playing video games. He has to be reminded to take trash out. He is supposed to mow but often procrastinates. His father has given me lip services. He praises any little thing he does like he has done something significant. He won't even drive. When anyone confronts him, he explodes or threatens to influence his brothers not to have a relationship with their dad. He binge drinks at times and becomes belligerant. I have tried for almost 2 years but am at my witts end. I work long hours, take call. I do the brunt of running. I get along fine with the other two. They both work and have lives and are productive. I feel like I am being used. My husband has cancer but all of this was going on before he became ill. He admits he has enabled his son and knows it was the wrong thing to do. I think his son manipulates and uses his blow ups to get his way. He acts like an incorigible 14 year old but he seems to be holding the strings to everything. He may be disabled by military standards but I am certain he would not be disabled by civillian standards. I finally had the big talk with my husband. He assures me he will speak to him today. Any insight or advice is appreciated.
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Why is this grown man living
Why is this grown man living with you? Doesn't sound like he is all that disabled to me. You and your husband need to get him to move out.
Does SS have a Traumatic Brain Injury?
Those all sound like characteristics of one, which would explain why he doesn't *look* disabled. It sounds like he needs to be actively pursuing treatment of whatever it is he has, regardless, but sadly, that's up to him to resolve with his son.
He has back pain and possibly
He has back pain and possibly bipolar. He won't seek treatment or take medications. He sponged off his mom until her death. He has excuses. He won't even get a driver's license. I was too blind to see before I got married. I should have known better I suppose.
First, I'm sorry about your
First, I'm sorry about your DH's cancer diagnosis. It is no fun, and I hope he is doing well.
Your DH needs to insist on an exit plan for his son, and he can use the cancer as impetus if he needs to. "Son, I won't be around to take care of you forever and you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. So let's talk about what needs to happen for you to be independent and living on your own."
Maybe the other brothers can be tapped to provide some encouragement and advice for SS as well.
Your DH is paying the price for a life of coddling and crippling his son. It won't be easy, but he has to do it. Don't let your DH give up when it becomes difficult, or give in to SS's demands and blackmail and manipulation.
Also, has your SS been seen for possible PTSD. depression, or other mental health issue? If not, I would insist on that as well as part of his path to independence.
He seems more like a
He seems more like a narcissit to me. I have seen his blow ups but they only occur if anyone challenges him and not with mood swings. I agree it has to come from his dad but he seems to look the other way. I love my husband or I wouldn't stand beside him but I am tired & growing weary. My husband says he will keep after him but I'm afraid I will have a mess on my hands after he is gone. He has stage IV cancer.
Oops narcissist
Oops narcissist
Oops narcissist
Oops narcissist
Other Skids
How is SSDeranged able to influence his siblings? Is that a real or empty threat?
OF COURSE you are feeling used - because you are, in fact, being used. How is your DH reacting to your feelings? Is he ready to make some MAJORLY stressful changes?
His rages, you think that its not a disability, but pure manipulation? You might want to try to eliminate all possibilities, tell SS that his rages are making things stressful for cancer patient, he should seek help for his ptsd, head injury, whatever. Put the onus on HIM.
Try getting you and your DH on the same page, make "talking notes" so you dont forget things, and it also helps to keep things calm. When he goes into a rage, do not respond with emotion, and do not cave.
1. SS - it is time to really think about your life. You father is very sick, and needs full attention. What is your timeline for getting a job and getting a new place for yourelf? We have expenses that come with the illness and will need to charge rent and bills until you are ready to move out.
2. You have no timeline? Well we need you to be moved out in 30 days.
I agree with the above poster
I agree with the above poster who mentioned SS's future after father isn't around. Do they expect YOU to take over the coddling? Will you own the house and control it in the future or are the SSs a part of inheritance? There's a lot to think about in a life without DH in it anymore. That should be the picture motivating you to put things in place now. That includes what happens to SS. Maybe a meeting with the brothers if you think they will support you in making changes to your lifestyle as of now? If your all alone in figuring this out , and you are unclear about legal issues, a visit to a lawyer would be prudent.