My DH has pulled back at times from his two 22 and 18--he sometimes complains that they only call when they want something--he definitely sees their faults, they've both been selfish and in trouble a lot, trying to use him as a bank and to bail them out. He also thinks that they stole his stuff (left at the house for a while) and sold it for beer/drugs...that's a sad thing to think about your own kids. They sent him nothing for Christmas, barely anything for Father's Day or birthday, it's all one way with them. It hurts him because he was the one who raised them when young, took them to church and sports and outings...BM always "worked" late and left the child care to him. But when they became teens she allowed them to run wild and encouraged their rebellion against him. She is a big baby herself--she hid her smoking from him for years, lying about it and encouraging the kids to do the same. (they took up smoking too). That's just one example. It is sad, but sometimes these dads need to pull away, for their own sanity. At least he is seeing her behavior, not trying to gloss it over or kiss her butt to maintain a relationship like so many others on here have to deal with. She sounds a lot like SD, who I think could be bi-polar. She has rages and destroys relationships constantly but then acts like nothing happened. A personality disorder at the least.

My H has totally given up on SD17.5

AND the grandbaby - which breaks my heart the most.

But who is to say how many times you try to contact someone who never even acknowledges the attempt?

If it weren't for her brother, we wouldn't even know if she was still alive!

I hold out hope that they can rebuild their relationship once SD is out on her own but, unfortunately, I think that BM will have done plenty of damage.

And also H is not blameless in the situation. I mean, how can you expect a child to come to your house and watch NASCAR all weekend? I like watching racing and *I* get sick of it!

My dh withdrew from ss. Before I came along he had visitation with ss (they broke up when ss was 1.5yrs). When I came along he still had visitation but I noticed he wasn't allowed to be 'dad' really. Bm made all decisions and dh just did what she said. Anyway, when ss stopped coming, dh tried to get him at first then stopped. Or gave up. Bs withdrew literally and part of it was because of bm. After several missed visits and no contact with ss it's like he didn't want him around anymore because he felt the kid was becoming like bm. Ss didn't visit for 3 years and dh had limited contact with ss. Ss called only when je wanted/needed something. Dh never fell for it though. Anyway, that relationship became strained. Now that ss is visiting regularly again due to a new CO, it has been hard on all of us. I know ss feels resentment towards his dad for not visiting and such (he doesn't know it was partly his mom's fault too.) It has also caused jealousy and resentment towards our bios. Weekends he visits are dreaded. I blame dh's absence in his life for 3 years. I don't know what kind of distancing and withdrawing your dh is talking about, but I'd suggest him to not go that route. I have seen firsthand how it affects the child and the father/child relationship. Even if dh feels he has no influence in the child's life, he does. I can understand withdrawing from an olderteen or adult kid, but not a child. There are still many years left where his influence as a father, not a Disney dad, could eventually maybe impact her life for the better. However, what if she isn't dh's biological daughter? Maybe he wants to distance himself jut in case she really isn't his. Does he still want a relationship with her if she turns out to not be his biodaughter? If not then maybe he does needto take a step back until the test is done. If it turns out she isn't his then it might be easier for him to back away slowly then a quick break. But if he still wants a relationship with her no matter what then he shouldn't withdraw from her.

My DH has stopped persuing his kids. It's going on 2 years since we've seen them. The harder he pushed the worse it hurt when they rejected him. As long as it was BM picking the battle, he continued to push for visitation. When it came down to SS taking him to court to deny visitation, DH stopped. We agreed that at that point, it was SS initiating the fight & DH had had enough. DH wasn't about to allow his son to bully him or guilt him into anything. Thankfully, DH has always stood firm in the fact that he is the parent, & gives his kids no room to dictate what will or will not happen. If it reaches that point, then it's no longer a parent/child relationship.

It wasn't until then that we realized the weekends SS would come spend some time with us he was there to gather information...to "spy" in a sense for anything he could share with BM & her lawyer that never failed to be brought up in their next round in court. We also realized he'd taken things from our home. Money came up missing several times, & oddly, he'd taken a card I made DH for Father's Day the year he let the kids go back to BM.

DH was & still is a good dad...as good as he can be not being able to see his kids. He loves them as much as he ever did, but hurts more than he ever has.

In all honesty, to choose between the ongoing drama & upheaval we dealt with day-to-day when he was pushing for his place in their lives & the stale numbness we've felt since he withdrew, I don't have regrets about his choice. I feel like he made every effort & endured above & beyond what anyone would realistically be expected to endure. I feel like sometimes you just reach a point where in order to keep your sanity, that's the only option left.

Of course, SS feels DH should've continued his quest to win their hearts back. He feels that because BM has taught him to feel that. But, the world stops for no one. Life goes on, & we have to find a way to go on with it.

DH withdrawl began being temporary. It's one of those things, though...give it an inch it'll take a yard. You don't want kids to get used to life with one active parent. Suddenly they lose the interest/need for the one missing.

As the step who has no say, it is a terribly sad thing to witness.

Prayers to you & your DH. It's hard to deal with as a step. I can't imagine having to make that choice with a child of my own.

((((((((overit))))))) hugs. This is tough and I admire how much you're supporting your bf. YOu're also raising your kids to be fantastic people and it says a lot that htye love bf too.

My DH had been pretty blind to his kids resentment and disrespect until last summer when he finally saw his daughter and son in law move in to our home, rent free, and treat us both with disrespect and resentment. She's 26 and since October when they moved out without even a goodbye, we've seen them three times. Christmas, SuperBowl and Son In Law birthday. We were the ones to reach out and do the inviting, we made meals and made an effort. He tried so hard to get them to respond and build a relationship and has finally decided he's done. It breaks his heart but he said to me... she really just doesn't even care. She's rude and never calls or checks in, the only time they've responded to his texts were when they thought there was something in it for them (Christmas, SB (free booze and food), Birthday.) I can honestly say it's more peaceful and happy now. He's not as stressed. It's taken months for him to get to be ok with it, and sometimes he's not. Like Monday when he put the little gift bag for my daughter on the counter with her little white bear (a tradition he started with her 10 years ago) and little candies -- he'd picked up the same for his daughter but i later found it in the trash... he probably reached out via text or email and she ignored him.

I'd encourage your bf to get the paternity test done and not have that hanging over his head any longer. Better to get it out of the way and move on if he's going to. At least he'll know. And it will be easier on the little girl if she finds out now. Also, if she's not his daughter, maybe her bio father would really like to know he has a daughter.

I'll keep you in my thoughts!

I've often wondered about this. Before I got into my relationship with FDH, I had nothing but contempt for deadbeat Dads (I was so naive, I didn't even consider the fact that there are plenty of deadbeat moms as well). When I would hear men give the excuse that they are not in their children's lives because of the antics of the BM, I would say it was a bunch of crap and nothing but excuses. But after the past four years and watching what FDH has endured and CONTINUES to endure...I am actually surprised he has not given up.

I can totally understand how a man could get to the point where he withdraws. It feels so wrong, but people can only take so much abuse. If the parent doesn't have any "positive" feelings for that child anymore...is it better for them to be around them or should they leave? It's a horrible place to be in.

My DH grew apart from his kids, he saw them for who they were. Oldest stepson matured and is back in hubby's life and I'm happy esp since oldest ss doesn't steal out of our freezer for BM anymore gosh that used to piss me off, I'd go shopping and then there was nothing in the freezer Oldest SS was stealing our food at 19yoa because he wouldn't work and BM and him would eat it. I changed the locks and told him if anything else was missing I'd press charges. He had a truck that hubby co-signed on and wasn't making his payments so Hubby finally called him up told him to get his stuff out of the truck cuz ford was coming to get it. Ford had sent us a repo letter. That was the moment oldest SS's head emerged from his arse and he made payment arrangements to ford and stopped quitting jobs to go have fun. Now youngest SS is an entirely different story and doesn't come around unless he's being financially rewarded, needless to say hubby is still paying his guilty ways down and we don't have extra money so we don't see youngest SS and his nasty demeanor anymore. It hurts DH his kid acts like this but DH knows he can't buy love.