Non-supportive Husband
My husband and I have been together for 20 years now...married 17 years. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. He has 2 SD, I have 3 BS. Our youngests were 5 when we got together. I should have known from the start how life would go but I was to caught up in my new romance, new place, divorce, child custody, child support etc. to really clearly see what was going on around me.
First off, the BM and her family all had negative and nasty things to say. The SDs were told a bunch of lies about dad and myself. Because of that we didn't have contact with the oldest SD for a couple of her high school years. (An abusive boyfriend situation reunited her with the dad). After all that, I offered her our home to live in. She declined and went to live in less than nice conditions with her BM and sister. My BH's family has continued to include the BM in every family function. (I finally refused to go to any of them).My BH supposedly told his family that he didn't want the BM invited anymore. If he wanted to see her all the time he would have stayed married to her. Unfortunately, the BM is still invited, still referred to as Aunt, ect. That's fine, as I don't attend the functions unless I absolutely have to. We made it through the oldest SD and my oldest BS's weddings without much issue. (Let it be known that I did have some issues with my BSs being disrepsectful and believe me, I handled it. They had to apologize and sometimes had consequences). Through the years I thought things were ok with my SD. I thought I had a decent relationship going. I helped with all the projects, homework, proms etc. My BSs used to say that BH treated the SDs different. Like they could do no wrong. I always tried to defend him and say they were just being jealous. I think I REALLY should have paid closer attention. I didn't yell at my SDs, I always let BH take care of it. He had no problem yelling at my BSs though and telling them how he didn't like how they treated me sometimes; disrespectful, rude, mean. I would follow up and my kids would apologize to me. Anyway, so I thought things were pretty good up until the youngest SD's wedding this year. At first, everyone was excited. We'd all help, my oldest BS's daughter (our granddaughter) was going to be in it, my other SD etc. My BH talked with her and made arrangements for food, which we paid for. I attended her wedding shower (only asked to do a backdrop and get cups, all her aunts and cousins, sister etc. were doing everything else. When asked why not more, was to because BM didn't have money to help and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Again it's been 20 years and also, BM hasn't remarried). After that, not a word on the wedding decor, the wedding dress, our granddaughters dress (we bought), my dress ANYTHING! Showed up for the rehearsal (which we found out the time the night before) Chaos everywhere. Totally uncomfortable for both of us. Then BM's mother made a few ignorant comments directed at me. Told BH, was told to just ignore it. As usual. Went to the wedding the next day. BH had been adamant that he didn't want to take pictures with just SD and BM. He and I had our pictures with SD and then the photographer told me to please move out of the way so SD could get pics with her dad and BM! And guess what, HE DID! Then afterwards he was so sorry. Whatever! Needless to say
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Just a question that might
Just a question that might help us make a little bit of sense through all of this. Did you and your DH have a relationship before he split with his wife? If so, I can see how that might have caused some of the situations you have experienced with family and the EX. If not, it seems a bit strange that his family chose his EX over his feelings.
I don't know about how your DH felt with regards to things like the photo.. likely he just did it because it was a path of least resistance. Actually when my older SD got married, I suggested the three of them take a photo together.. she was after all both of their offspring. Now, I was also included in most photos myself.. so didn't really worry about any of it.
It sounds like some things are being done to spare her feelings.. maybe that's ok in some situations.. like they didn't want you to "outshine" her mom at the shower... some people are sensitive to stuff like that.
But again, without knowing more about why his family insists on still including her? it's hard to comment.
I'm sorry you have suffered through this for so long though.. I would have stopped caring ages ago..lol.
I have a feeling
You werent completely done with your post. There was a buildup where you thought everything was fine...then...?
Please continue!
I had a similar experience
I had a similar experience with my SD at her wedding, although I did make it very clear that she had every right to a photo or two with her mum and dad (my DH). I think it’s fair enough to want one photo for the wedding album but I think I made a huge mistake in allowing that to happen, as the SD and BM took it as my approval of the BM continuing as a fixture in our lives. We no longer attend DH family events because they refuse to not have BM there and I don’t see why I should have to be uncomfortable. All 4 siblings have had divorces and my DHS ex is the only one invited! The SD (who thankfully I rarely see but who lives 5 minutes away) always pushes my DH to talk about mummy dearest and is now refusing to spend Christmas with us either as her mother is not invited to our home.
My advice is disengage, tell your DH you are buying out of all relationships until the behaviour of his family is acceptable. It is HARD, there will be raw emotions and discussions but in a few months you will feel free of negativity and have time to enjoy people you love and want to spend your precious time with.
Good luck!
So you're angry your DH did
So you're angry your DH did did scold his ex MIL (the bride's maternal grandmother) for making a few 'ignorant' comments and you're angry Dh caved and took a photo of the bride with her parents (instead of making a scene, refusing to do the shot).
Angry you were not asked to do more for a bridal shower, not asked to be a part of planning and purchasing for the wedding. I'm not sure what was to be said next as post seems to have been cut off. I must say it appears the bride may have decided to live within her means when it came to her wedding. Yeah perhaps a bit disorganized, but read around here and the wedding event very likely went far better than lots of the SMs here. Some of them were lucky to be even invited and if they were they were mistreated as the unwanted displaced guest. The old, 'put SM in the back of the church next to the potted plant and leave her sitting by herself at the rear table of the reception'.
All that after demanding Dad pay for everything and ask SM do all the prep work. .
Welcome to Steptalk. Doesn't seem to matter if you've been married two years, twenty years or forty years... stepkids have a undesirable talent of making Sms seem like the nobody outsider. You're not alone.