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Ready for Divorce

tboshts's picture

I am at my wits end.  Me and my husband met online and it was instant connection.  Seven months later we were married.  At the time of marriage, his oldest daughter almost 30 (she has 2 younger children) and my daughter (has one younger child) almost 25 came to the wedding.  His youngest almost 27 did not come to the wedding.  She is unmarried but has a BF for almost 2 years.  My daughter was not raised to be given everything she wants cause I couldn't afford it.  His daughters were very entitled.  They wanted it, they got it.  My husband suffers from being bipolar.  We have had issues with that as in he has left me a couple of times.  The last time was for 2 weeks.  I was reluctant to take him back because of all the drama with the SK that I have had to deal with and there was a lot believe me.  My husband is now on medication and that helped our relationship quite a bit.  Next month we will be married for a year.  I have been told I was not allowed at the older SD home.  Then my husband stepped up after he realized that was not supporting our marriage.  She then let me come to her home.  The youngest one is out of town with her job a lot and although I really wanted to get to know her better, I haven't been given that chance.  Their parents split up due to poor choices of their mother which in turn caused her health issues.  On some occasions, when the youngest daughter came in town, we would meet her and take her to dinner.  For all the time we have been together up to that point, the youngest had never been to our home.  I own my home and my husband was living in an apartment when we met so he moved in with me.  We live about an hour drive from his oldest.  My daughter has been really supportive of our marriage.  She has her own house, husband, and child.  Well we thought things were going well for us until just a few weeks ago.  We planned our vacation (my husband and mine) in January and paid for we everything then.  So all of a sudden his daughters decide to take a vacation at the same exact time.  They tried to talk their dad into us taking a vacation with them but we already paid for ours.  Then they never really talk to me they reached out to me and tried to invite us on their vacation.  I didn't reply.  Instead I went and showed the message to him.  He called them and told them our vacation was already paid for and we were going on ours.  My husband talks to his daughters every single day.  My daughter works a lot so I don't have a chance to talk to her as often and of course she has a family and her own life.  Well before vacation time, their mother's health got progressively worse and she died.  Due to CODVID19 the oldest daughter would not let the youngest stay with her.  Well I told my husband she could stay with us so she has somewhere to stay while she visits with her mom in a nursing home.  Their mother was only 50 but bad choices made her go to heaven early in life.  So the youngest stayed with us.  Their mother died.  Everything changed again.  Now the youngest is telling him she is not ready to have me in her life and does not want me around.  So since she no longer comes to my house and only goes to her older sister's house when she is town, I am not allowed over there now either.  They have even planned trips and xmas with their dad and I am not allowed to be there.  My husband has lost his brother last year, his ex wife recently (their mother) and a half sister.  Our vacation was a couple weeks ago.  Last week he almost spent the whole week at his oldest daughter's house to visit with his younger daughter.  Now, he told me that he wants to move back there cause he always feels like he is stuck in the middle between me and his daughters and he wants to be closer to his other family (brothers, sisters,etc).  So third time moving out.  He packed all his clothes and left.  Even told me that he will probably be staying at his older daughter's house a couple of days and then maybe get an apartment closer to them.  I am TORE UP.  This man that I loved so deeply has left me.  We haven't talked since he left.  When we were togther I was always feeling like an outsider with his daughters and they took turns excluding me from stuff.  I tried so hard to be caring and pleasant towards them but was never welcomed.  Even though my husband told me over and over he told them they shouldn't say bad things about me and that I am a very kind and sweet person they still do.  I constantly felt like I was being treated bad.  The constant high school type drama.  I just don't understand it all.  Now my husband that I love so much is gone and I am trying to figure out what to do.  I feel like I lost my best friend and the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with.

Comments

JRI's picture

This is actually a good thing.  I know, i know, you feel heart-broken and betrayed.  You are entitled to every one of these ferlings.  But this pattern will never end.  He is enmeshed with the daughters and they would never have accepted you, no matter how good you are and you sound like a caring, thoughtful person who tried their best.  Just know that this was inevitable, probably accelerated by all the recent trauma.  Take good care of your own nice self.  Good luck.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I know it's painful for you, but the marriage is over. He has moved out THREE times. Love yourself more because you deserve to be treated like a cherished partner in a mature relationship. This dramatic high school stuff is ridiculous 

Find an excellent attorney. {{{HUGS}}}

SM12's picture

I hate that you are going through this but I am going to be very blunt and honest.   Your decision has already been made for you by your DH.  He has left and AGAIN and it doesn't appear he is coming back.   He appears to have done this several times in less than a year.   Why do you allow him to treat you like an option.  
Get a lawyer and start the divorce.  Get counseling to help you find out what YOU want out of life and take care of you.   Your DH will never have a happy relationship

Harry's picture

He is putting his DD's ahead of you, he is letting his DD's conreol his life.  Why do you want to be third on his list.?  This is no way to live.  Things are never going to change. His DD has control 

Survivingstephell's picture

Until he is stable on his meds and has his bipolar under control he will blow in the wind.  You have two issues: the bipolar and his inability to put the marriage first. Insist in compliance with meds and medical advice to get the bipolar under control. ( that takes work and dedication and perseverance)  Once he is stable you can see if he can be married to you. If he is unable to manage his bipolar, then you have a tough decision to make.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Very compassionate advice from someone who has been there.

tboshts's picture

Thank you all for the advice.  I wish I had people in the same boat to actually sit down and talk to.  My family does not understand how much this takes out on you.  I am literally sick to my stomach with all of this.  When his children are staying out of it, we seem to get along great.  I truly cannot understand the tight control he has over him.  I mean the guilt over runs him.  I love my daughter and cannot imagine letting her control my life.  What is wrong with people that let their children drive their lives?  It just baffles me to no end.  Everything with us seemed fine until we got married.  Then became the games his adult daughters was playing.  I could literally see them take turns being a problem.  I told my husband that they are treating him like a puppet and he should not allow his children to control his life and disrupt the marriage like that.  When we first met I thought we had a lot in common....grown daughters and grandchildren.  I thought that things would be easy since they were grown.  Boy was I wrong.  They are spoiled.  What they say goes.  You would think the verbal abuse he took from his ex wife was enough for him but now it seems that they are controlling him.  I just do not understand it all.