Don't I deserve to be happy? (Sorry to blog hog)
While we were in marriage counseling this last time DH said "Is you life just so horrible?"
No, my life isn't horrible. I have a beautiful home, a great job, 2 healthy amazing bios, even ss has his moments where I really enjoy him.My husband is a hard worker and I am madly in love with him. Am I happy?... No. I am not happy. There is so much missing. For some reason my DH thinks that coming home at night should earn him a reward. He doesn't contribute to the home in any other area than financial. I am high maintenance in my own ways, but I feel like what I ask for from him is so very small.
1) Come to bed with me. -- You wouldn't think this would be such a big deal but OH MY GOD it is. He refuses to come to bed with me at night "He's a grown man and he will go to bed when he damn well feels like it!" Not even sex will get him to bed. He probably makes it upstairs 1-2 a week.
2) SEX- I need it more. I am looking around and other men are looking very good. I am very sexual unsatisfied.
3) Affection- Hold my hand. Let me rest my head on your shoulder when we sit on the couch.
4) Respect- talk to me like a human and do not cuss at me constantly.
That is what I am missing in my marriage. This is why I am not happy. I have laid it out like this to him clear as day. Why is he so intent on ignoring my needs? It is a control thing with him, I know. He enjoys getting reactions out of me. The counselor basically called him a 5 yr old boy on the play ground- he will pull a girls pig tail to make her cry out. He likes (loves) the girl, but the reaction is how he finds enjoyment. WHY DID I MARRY A 5 YR OLD???
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I'm glad your in counseling.
I'm glad your in counseling. I hope it gets you where you both need to be. Yes you have a good life, but part of that is having a good relationship.
1) Come to bed with me. -- I completely agree so much that this had a huge hand in breaking up my last marriage. We started sleeping in separated rooms and it took a toll on us. After 5 years of that and other disappointments, I calmly and happily filed for a divorce. It is important to connect at night.
2) SEX- That's a huge part of marriage. Especially if it's not happening. Do you think there could be someone else or some type of porn addiction?
3) Affection- Hold my hand. Let me rest my head on your shoulder when we sit on the couch. Men don't even realize the easy little things that would make us so happy. Just these small little gestures can change our whole outlook at attitude for the day. Why is it so hard for some of them to 'get' that?
4) Respect- talk to me like a human and do not cuss at me constantly. - That's for anyone in both sides of a marriage. And don't let him cuss at you or be disrespectful. Never be afraid to lose him and let him know it! He must respect you or ELSE. I am sad I could never live with that kind of life. I hope counseling helps!
So, unless your life is
So, unless your life is horrible, you should just deal?
Yes, you deserve to be happy and those that love you would want you to be.
Maybe the next question you
Maybe the next question you can pose to your therapist is: "Why did I marry a guy who acts like a 5 year old?"
We spend a lot of time as humans trying to control and change other humans. It is pretty common and normal. What we don't realize a lot of times is we CAN change ourselves and how we react to things.
Can you make your DH stop cussing you out? Maybe but probably not unless he figures out a good reason for himself. Can you quit allowing him to do that? Well, you can't physically force him to shut up unless you are willing to pull a gun or something. What you can do it create your own boundary and enforce it when he does that crap. What are YOU going to do when HE chooses to do that? You can't force him to shut up. But you could walk away - into another room or leave the house entirely for a while. You could leave. You could tape him and then play it when he is calm to let him see what an idiot he looks like in hopes that would inspire him to make changes.
What I am trying to get at is your husband isn't going to change unless there is a damn good reason that HE is made to want to change. Obviously, your happiness isn't enough motivation for him. So, the only things you can do is change YOU. Don't put up with the crap you have been. Don't do as much as you have been. Don't give him the satisfaction of your reaction to his bull. When you change, he HAS to change in some way - whether he wants to or not.
Maybe it is time to disengage
Maybe it is time to disengage from him?
You know, that is what I need
You know, that is what I need to do. He complains that I am insecure. OF COURSE I AM! He throws divorce at me weekly in his bipolar spasms! I just need to live my life with me and my bios and find happiness on my own again. If he decides to join in, great. If not, his loss.