Hypothetical Fight (sorry for blog hog)
So I couldn't help it, last night I was looking on Facebook to see what other of SO's family was close with BM. SO's teenage niece isn't but i saw that she is friends with SO's ex gf, who he cheated on BM2 with and left her for. He told me at the beginning "That part of my life is behind me and I'm a different person now." Anyway, this teenage niece would have been about 3 years old when SO dated this woman, and has only been on Facebook a few years.
SO said "Exgf probably friend requested her because she's been stalking me. She tries to remain in my orbit. It's no big deal." I said "Hold up, what?! You don't think it's a big deal that your supposedly crazy ex from 12-ish years ago is contacting your minor niece?"
He said "Well, at least i didn't have a baby with her. That would have been really bad." I said, Worse than what's going on now with BM2?" He said "Oh, much worse." I said, "I wouldn't stick around for that." He got extremely offended and said "Now i'm questioning everything."
I told him there are some things that nobody would put up with, and a hypothetical 3rd BM who is still a crazy stalker after 10 plus years and no kids would be a deal-breaker for anyone. Imagine what she would do as a BM3. But since he doesn't have this supposedly crazy woman as a BM3, it's a non-issue. He says "I would stick by you through anything but clearly you would bail if things got tough."
I told him things have BEEN tough for 7 years without creating new drama and how dare he question my sticking around after everything i've stuck around through. We aren't speaking. WTF.
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Most guilty dads
Downplay their mistakes, despite having made earth shattering bad decisions in the past, blame SM and find fault with her/her children if any, compare apples and oranges and certainly doesn't appreciate everything SM has put up with/gone through/done for guilty daddy.
He brushes it off, saying
He brushes it off, saying "Well, you know, women are crazy like that." I told him i don't still try to hang around my exes. My friends don't do things like that, either. And i don't put up with exes hanging around. If an ex tried to contact a young child in my family, i'd probably seek a restraining order. In fact, i have sought one in the past when people have pushed my boundaries.
This is a small town and people know me. I'm a professional woman in a hard field and i have a reputation for not putting up with harassment. This supposed stalker has never contacted me. BM2 has never directly antagonized me. I think they know better. But SO is apparently not known for having strong boundaries. I'm not risking my career or reputation to fight his battles for him.
That would piss me off too. I
That would piss me off too. I've had nearly identical arguments with XH many times. My therapist finally helped me see that it was a losing battle to expect credit or recognition for something that XH simply doesn't value.
Every single woman he's been involved with, other than me, has been completely unhinged. Stalking, harassing, and threatening him, his family, the SDs, and me. His worthless whore of mistress even threatened my child one of the many times he broke up with her. Meanwhile, I've never once so much as sent more than two unanswered texts in a row! It used to infuriate me that BM (and after we separated, his never ending succession of crazy girlfriends) seem to get a pass on acting like psychos while he never even thanked me for being a normal human. My therapist pointed out that he probably actually likes that kind of behavior on some level. And also he often confuses my calmness for indifference because he's so desensitized to women going bat shit crazy over every little thing. It's so dysfunctional, but I don't think he is ever going to change. If I could go back in time knowing what red flags to look for, I would've left the first time BM screamed at him in a church parking lot and he just laughed it off as "that's just how she is."
We've gotten to a place where we can at least communicate now, but I have to flat-out tell him "please understand that I am very upset about XYZ. Just because I'm not keying your car or setting your lawn on fire, does not mean that I do not care about the issue at hand."
I think you may be right.
I think you may be right. When you describe your ex, it sounds a lot like my SO. Dysfunctional men from dysfunctional families are probably actually bored by normalcy. So they seek out excitement, which for some is dysfunctional women. I don't think my SO has physically cheated on me, but i think he was drawn to the young woman at work due to the excitement of it all. And now he's back in court, almost as if she's another BM. I think he was getting bored with our relationship so he became BFFs with the most dysfunctional single 2 babydaddy-having, pill-popping, young enough to be his daughter woman at his workplace. We fear we aren't wnough because we aren't. But it's drama that we lack.
ETA I can't believe she threatened your child. I hope she paid for that.
I remember the deal with the
I remember the deal with the woman at his work. What is the court thing about?
Basically, she got fired and
Basically, she got fired and she's suing the company. She's accusing SO in her lawsuit of doing the same things she did, but not getting fired. He has to defend himself now.
Also, the last time SO swears
Also, the last time SO swears he has talked to the woman was last May, when i caught him calling and texting her when i was out of town. She named him in the lawsuit in July, 2 months after he says he "blocked her." Woman scorned behavior to me, even if they weren't sleeping together. He was a source of attention for her, and when he stopped, she decided to take him down with her.
The "but that is different" blather and bullshit from those who
are playing smoke and mirror's games.
It is a default human action when someone has backed themselves into a corner with their bullshit and they get called on it.
You called him on it after it starting as a discussion. He did not like that you had found that his batshit crazy XGF was stalking his minor teen niece.
But at least I did not have a kid with her. Really? like that is some kind of accomplishement. Particularly when he has polluted his gene pool with at least two toxic former partners. Woo hoo. What a high performer this guy is.
Not.
My own mom played the "At lease he isn't doing drugs." with DW and I when we were dealing with teen boy brain fart stuff with our kid when he was balking at finishing HS and apparently terrified of growing up. I called mom on it and pushed back asking what she and dad did with me when I was at that stage. She gave me "the look" then harrumphed "that was different". Any differences between what my dad pulled with his parents, what I pulled with mine, what my brother pulled with our mom and dad at that stage is materially insignificant. The basics are identical. Only a few specific details are different.
Mom and I chuckle about that conversation these days. Though when I tease her about it I always get the look and threatend with whatever whacking tool is within reach. And she grouses at me "You leave my grandson alone!!!"
Yes ma'am.
My mother cursed us with "I hope you have one just like him!" while pointing at me. My wife still has not forgiven my mother for that curse. She has not forgiven me either.
That curse came true in Spades. Infuriating stuff, but a base of strong pride in how good of a man our kid is. That too... is my fault. I of course take all of the credit.
He was SO indignant. "I would
He was SO indignant. "I would never question my commitment to you, no matter what! This changes everything!! There are some things you can say that you just can't take back!"
No matter what?! I said, so, hypothetically, "What if my vag... was made of razor blades, mouth too, and i also smothered SS to death with a pillow? Would you still stick around for that?" He said Ye Olde "That's different, you know that would never happen." But him having a baby with his ex isn't? Ok.
I wonder if that sounded crazy and dramatic enough to float his boat and keep him interested. I wonder if i care.
Disclaimer: i would never hurt a child. I wouldn't even hurt one's feelings on purpose.
Some thing is going on between
Your BF and these X's . He must be in contact with them somehow, may not be seeing them but some contact
That's what i'm thinking. He
That's what i'm thinking. He promises he isn't but doesn't act surprised when BM2 is enmeshed with his family or when the woman he cheated on her with 15 years ago is in contact with his 16-year-old niece who lives in another state and the ex may have met her once when she was a toddler. I sort of feel guilty, like i'm a guy who's telling his wife "You shouldn't have worn that dress." But what is SO DOING that keeps these exes hanging around?
In the interest of keeping it simple.
If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, scratches like a dog, and barks like a dog. It must be a dog.