using kids as bargining chips ... anyone have a similiar situation ? What to do ?
My ex still trys to use the kids as bargining chips. She still thinks she can dictate what I should be doing. They live with her and shill drills them about everything we do together when I have them. What park did we go to, what time did we eat lunch. The kids are very yound. It is totally disgusting that people do this. Anyone have a clue what to do with a narssist as a ex ?
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The best advice I have for
The best advice I have for you is to not cave into what she is dictating. You can't control what she does (drilling the kids, etc.). It sucks, but you can't control. All you can do is let the kids know that it is okay to love both of you and that they don't have to tell mommy everything, but they can if they want to. I don't know your story, but if you have a custody order, follow it. Don't allow her to dictate it. If you don't have one, get one. Keep convos with her short. Don't argue with her. Any attention is good attention to a narcissist. My dh's ex is one. His standard response to EVERYTHING she says is "That isn't my problem." or "Whatever". Let her rant and rave and remove yourself from the situation. The best way to handle her is to not handle her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
* "There are two things over
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"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I am trying to build a new
I am trying to build a new life . She just continues with the same bs. When does it stop ?
It probably won't stop. It
It probably won't stop. It will improve as long as you set up boundaries and are consistent in letting her know that crossing them will not be tolerated.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
I agree, it probably won't
I agree, it probably won't stop - it'll just improve and be more tolerable as long as clear boundaries are set and consistently adhered to.
Limit conversations to only necessary ones, and make those all business and straight to the point. If she starts ranting and raving - clearly state, this type of communication is not productive and unacceptable. If she doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere or in control because you respond the same way, she'll back off a little because the "rush" won't be there for her.
As far as using the kids as a bargaining chip - follow the CO for parenting time, if there isn't one - get one ASAP. Everytime the ex goes against it - take her back to court so she'll see once again her behavior will not be tolerated.
My skids BM was the same
My skids BM was the same way. Mostly becuase she was looking for something to use against DH in court. Best you can do is ignore it. The only person you can control is yourself, if you are kind, loving, patient, and supportive with the kids... and she is constantly interrogating them... it will come back to haunt her eventually, and as the kids get older they will resent her for it and they will appreciate you for being there for them and for not doing what mom did.
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There are several books that
There are several books that may help. One is "The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce" I think is the name of it. "Divorce Poison" is another.
It took 5 years for us,
It took 5 years for us, there are still issues, but hopefully your BM will get tired of being a lunatic eventually. She will probably do everything in her power to hinder your attempts at a new life... that's why its best to ignore her antics and work around it. If you let her get to you, she wins... that's what she wants.
We are going on 9 years. I
We are going on 9 years. I guess our BM has more energy than I do.
wow, all good advise here.
wow, all good advise here. So hard to make a new life with the old one still with the same garbage.
My dh's ex used to do the
My dh's ex used to do the same thing. She actually used to walk into what used to be thier marital home, to look and see if he was feeding the dog!!! And then she would call him and bitch him out and tell him that he wasn't feeding HER DOG!!! A dog that he didn't even want!!!
And then she would come in to make sure the dishes were done. Now mind you her home was a pig sty. If she saw my clothes out she would go ballistic and tell him that he was setting bad example for the kids.
We have since moved, and she is NOT ALLOWED to set foot into our new home. We have since gone to therapy, and we have set up bounderies with her.
She still sneaks her evil little troll head in as much as she can. Why... I don't know. I think that some people are incapable of moving on.
I think that she is just so miserable and alone that she needs to try and control someone elses life, since she has lost control of her own. That is probably how your ex is.
We just try to ignore her. My dh is like a bobblehead now. But inside he just ignores her. He just bobs his head and says... whatever!!!
Maybe you can do the same thing. Feed them what you want.. do what you want.
She isn't going to change. That is why you divorced her. If I were you, I would just ignore her. Your kids will realize on their own how she is, they won't be young forever.
Kids also get tired of it. My stepdad used to always talk very fowl about my mother to my half-brothers. One day, they told him off and told him to shut up. They told him they didn't want to hear anything more about their mother. She was a great part of who they were.
I told her that her game
I told her that her game playing has to stop. I use to text her to have the kids call me. She blocked my texting. Then, I use to leave voicemail. She told me that she does not check missed calls and she is not in charge of the kids communications. All excuses just to have me " ASK " for the kids. That is her way of trying to control me and a open door to talk garbage. I had to open a new email because she was just using it to get at me. I won't play into her garbage anymore. She does not control my new life, period !