How to make SD10 understand....
For months I have been finding little notes from SD to herself, complaining about how much she hates it here and can't stand it and want to live with her mother and her mother is so much better than her dad. Each one usually says I can't live with my Dad anymore I have to live with my mom cause I haven't lived with her in so long. SD10 also had ODD (actually I think she's bi polar like BM) and in one note it says I will not stop my anger problem til I live with my mom. Well, that's funny cause you talk to you mother like a piece of shit too!
Now the court said BM was unfit being she was/is a junkie and has been in and out of jail. I've tried explaining this to SD10 that the court said she has to live with her Dad for her own well being. This really bother me because DH has done everything for her and BM does nothing but lie. How can I or have him make her understand that this is life and has been since she was a baby?
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This is so difficult because
This is so difficult because even though BM might be a bad person, she's still SD's mom. And SD will always long to have a loving relationship with BM.
I can relate. My SS was diagnosed with ODD when he was 14 and he had conflicting feelings about loyalty to his parents, thanks to many years of PAS'ing by BM. I always felt that DH should tell SS the truth about things (like who violated the court order, who lied to SS and DH, etc.) but DH always wanted to protect his son. I think the answer is maybe somewhere in between. Tell your SD that you know she misses her mom and that you wish they could have a better relationship, but it's just not possible right now. Also let her know that you will never try to take the place of BM, but that you will be there for SD whenever she needs you. Maybe you could encourage SD to use her writing skills in another way, like writing about how things will be different if she lived with BM. It might be a good opportunity for SD to realize on her own that BM cannot give her the perfect life she desires.
Sadly, I have tried all
Sadly, I have tried all these things. When she writes about what it will be like to live with her mom, t's a fantasy.SD believes that if she lives with her mom that she will get whatever she wants, when she wants it. (she has rules here which she doesn't like) At the time SD only calls BM when she wants something. Great example BM told SD and DH that she ordered her new sneakers . A month went by and nothing so we took her shopping for new shoes that she needed. BM never ordered them but just kept telling SD that she doesn't know what happened to them. SD called BM the other day to see if she can buy her roller skates, BM agreed next day changed her story. We live a few hours apart and for 2 years now BM has been promising to visit, but instead of visiting she calls DH and cries and says you have to fix this you have to move back.
BM never wanted SD which is her 2nd child, barely paid attention to the first and now has a 3rd with another man. When is enough, enough? WHy keep doing this to a child? And why doesn't SD realize this?
My SS is almost 18 and is
My SS is almost 18 and is just starting to realize what a liar and manipulator his BM is. We also dealt with the anger and violence when DH had custody of SS from age 14 to 15. We tried counselling, out-patient therapy and finally a residential mental health facility to help SS. But in the end, SS just wanted to be loved by his BM and he was willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to have a chance at that. Now that he is back home with BM, he is realizing that his fantasy is no where near what the reality is.
Is your SD in therapy? I wish I had some helpful advice for you. All I can say is I feel for you and know how difficult it is, as I was in a similar situation.
Your SD is longing for her
Your SD is longing for her mother's love. She wants her attention and approval even though she doesn't deserve it. Your SD is actually lashing out at your husband because she is blaming him for her mother not being a big part of her life because dad and mom got divorced. My son went through the same thing and this is what the counselor told me. Although in my case it was vice versa because my son lives with me.