Am I Crazy?
So, I buckled down, hardcore, into my studies to channel my anxiety and preoccupation with what I perceived as parental alienation of my sd8/9. Hardcore as in I've read ungodly amounts of case law, statutory law, empirical research from attachment theory all the way to the science behind predicting the weather. Why? Because weather prediction is similar to predicting behavior. From the research, my school work, my nursing background, everything...we have successfully protected our relationships with SD this far. For example, I warned my DH to follow up with every visit to the PCP. He couldnt attend as we were out of state, but he could still ask mom how her appointment went and what not. So he did. And a week prior, he asked how SD was doing emotionally since opposing counsel mentioned "visitation could increase annually depending on how the child's doing emotionally." That was a weird thing to say, but it was also weird that BM was notifying DH once a month that the child was home from school due to vomiting the night before, only once and without any other symptoms. So he definitely asked and SD was purportedly great and always talked about how happy she was there. Again, this was weird af given the alleged complaints from the counsel. Well....the visit with the PCP resulted in a referral for therapy due to the parents divorce..that occurred when the child was months old. Not implying it's less significant for SD, just elaborating this is not a fresh off the grill divorce within the last 2-3 years or so. BM SAYS NOTHING ABOUT THE REFERRAL. A month goes by before insurance populates the details and it gets changed by the time our court date arrived. She blamed it on the AAL telling her to seek a therapist about her concerns. Meanwhile, for a year, she told the therapist that she was informing dad about the child's therapy progress, which was just a bunch of complaints about SD hating me and my children. Which is laughable at this point because SD and bios are bonded like true siblings and she treats me like she loves truly loves me. But the girl has said some wonky stuff about us all. And I hope she was able to turn off the guilt to do it because I can't imagine having to split like that. Oh wait. I can. Either she's with mom and is bouncing between the therapist (WHO HAD TO REDO HER ENTIRE THERAPY PLAN AFTER A YEAR WHEN SHE SAW US INTERACTING) or the ad litem (who said he was going to take his recommendations and cram it down her throat) having to make up stuff, or she's with us-the boring yet non-evil family that she's had to misportray. Regardless, she's doing okay for now.
However... when we went to court for the final hearing, the counsel highjacked majority of the hearing to discuss how dad hasn't attended dance competitions since we've been back and that's why the child wants to stay with mom more. DH ended up filing a change of custody due to interference or increased visitation in the alternative and they literally took him to court to complain about dance competition and horse back riding all day long?
There is not enough research in the world to distract me from that. His lawyer never introduced the voice recording that BM sent DH of herself recording her phone call with SD interrogating her about what dad said SD or the evidence of grandma hiding in the corner of SDs room with a camera pointed at SD during her phone calls. None of the texts were included where BM was showing relational aggression. None of the outlines of visitation leading up to the out-of-state move (where we had SD more of the month every month so BM could work her shifts). None of the forged financial statements or illegally accessing my records. Evidence of legal harassment, change in child's behavior, the therapists concern (although BM was threatening to subpoena her to testify on what SD has been saying so we actually wanted to protect what little therapeutic relationship COULD BE HAD. Even more of a surprise is the AAL said the child wants to stay with mom and doesn't want anything to change. Like he didn't just witness the child being coached this whole time? Additionally, BM isn't even paying for the dance competitions or horse back riding but the judge demands that dad doesn't miss taking SD to practice on his weeks over the summer and he needs to attend her classes. SHE MAKES MORE MONEY AND DOESNT HAVE TO PAY FOR HER LAWYER/BOSS. WE HAVE ATTENDED SOCCER, GYMNASTICS, PTOS, DANCE RECITALS, PLAYS, TRICKORTREATING, MUSEUMS, AND SO MUCH MORE. WE HAD TO MOVE. STILL MADE IT FOR SCHOOL EVENTS AND HOLIDAYS AND VISITATION WHILE IT MEANT TRAVELING THOUSANDS OF MILES WITH A TODDLER EACH TIME TO DO SO. And we get six months to sit down, settle in after getting orders back WITHIN 18 months, and breath to make sure the child is okay, to finally meet with the therapist who was visibly upset when we explained why we were suspicious of her never getting back to DHs messages for a meeting, or checking in with the school to see what's going on with SDs BULLY that she's been dealing with for over a year that BM didn't think to tell DH because SD asked her not to? And the finally hearing amounted to a days worth of hashing it out about some dance and horses. WTF. Am I crazy for thinking WTF toward a room full of professionals who know the law and deal with this day in and day out?
Part of me hopes the Judge saw her high conflict showing and used criticism over dance to disguise the fact that he increased DH's visitation substantially while absolving to not change physical custody. And now, magically, SD is acting open again about her mom (because she truly idolizes her) and is seemingly 100% herself. BM, grandma, and the aunt are all super nice now. It. Is. Like. The. Twighlight. Zone.
oh and to really throw anyone for a loop, we made it a point to be in attendance for the next dance recital. And after two years of taking a psychological beating and advocating for this child, we got to sit and enjoy said recital....of SD AND HER MOTHER performing for a Mother's Day special. Because apparently dance is something that they both do together now. As is therapy since BM lost her bolts over DH not going to therapy with her and SD as the "therapist directed." That was a lie too. And none of it got brought to light. Everything's back to normal since SD is magically ok now that courts over?
p.s. I write research papers all day and try to be emotionally stable between soccer, domestic duty, full time study, financial concerns, and wife duties (to a man who GREW through this all). I don't have the care to make this post seem any less unhinged. I just needed to get this off my chest because I have this gentle rage in my soul that basically sounds like "yall all got me $ up for doing this child like this and I know for darn sure I am not crazy."
- pineappleeffect's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Unless you get
50 / 50 CO. where you spend 1/2 time with SD. You don't stand a chance. BM will delay everything until kids are old enough to voice there option to the courts. 12 or 13. She cab brain wash them five days a week or more. Don't know your visitation schedual.
Greetings
So how are YOU?
It sounds like you are kind of burnt out with all your reading and researching and involvement. Maybe take a few steps away from all that garbage...
Better now that i got it off
Better now that i got it off my chest. And without sugar coating it or having to sound like I have it all together. My field calls for ample research and intervention, but I the law part was a bit extra. Thank you for asking ME how I am. Ive gone through this entire process without a voice and it's nice to have someone see what i have to say. Ramble and all.
The key to winning in court,
The key to winning in court, in my experience in the StepFamily/Family Courts arena, is to confront and document every little interface. Every one. That way when you go to court you carry the file boxes of documentation to court, of course having already submitted every bit of it to the court and the opposition. Make sure that the toxic opposition knows that every bit of it will be discussed and become public record.
For us, this backed the toxic SpermClan way off because it destroyed the facade of goodness they built around themselves in their community. Nope, you get stupid, the facade gets torn down and your ass gets bared.
Why didn't DH specifically instruct his attorney to present the recordings, etc...? If it was me, I would have asked those questions of my own attorney while I was on the stand under oath. "This is all addressed in the information documenting and demonstrating incident X,Y,Z L,M,N,O,&P. Please introduce that as evidence immediately."
The SpermClan avoided court like the plague because they knew we had it all and it would be used to eviscerate them one paper cut at a time.
He did. I wasn't in there
He did. I wasn't in there since I was a witness. So I have no idea. Nothing we went over, talked about, none of it. At one point the other lawyer was talking so long his lawyer started to fall asleep. It doesn't help that she stayed up the night before court because they didn't send the financial statements requested until late at night. The judge wanted all of the child support ready to go first thing so the other stuff could be addressed as BM has requested an increase three different times during the case. We assumed it would have been easy to run the numbers but we needed the end of year because all of the documents we got the Friday before were altered statements. Like numbers weren't adding up, it looked weird on some letters or numbers. The alignment was off. Finally the W2 came through as a picture with sepia color to it (like it was on someone's knee in the picture) and it was like a $8k difference. Who cares about $8k difference when you already make more? The whole case has been weird as hell with dealing with them. For instance, DH met with child's therapist by himself and the. She met with DH, the child, and me. BM had sent an email stating the therapist wants to meet with SD, him, and her only. He wanted to finally sit down with this lady and see what's going on with his child for once while we were gone. BM's attorney tagged the AAL and DHs attorney in an email stating if he wants to ignore directives from the therapist that's on him but if the AAL doesn't get a record request in within the next 3 days, they would file to suspend DH's visitation with SD? Um..what? The therapist told us that she wanted a sit down with the entire family, siblings included but now after a year, she's revising the treatment plan because she realized BM was bringing the child in to foster a narrative that the AAL would eventually review and would factor that in. I've documented it all, but I can't make his lawyer make the argument nor can I doubt her abilities to think straight when this attorney just doesn't make sense. By the time you figure out the first statement, he's rambled on to 10 more fallacies and it WORKS.
Our first attorney was a
Our first attorney was a placator. They were at best a "Can't everyone just get along?" noodle spined placator. We still won resoundingly but her focus was maintaining her practice, relationships in the community, and sniffing the Judge's ass far more than it was doing what we paid her to do. So "You're fired!"
We replaced that one with a Pit Bull take no prisoners shark lawyer who did what we paid them to do. We interviewed a number of the top dogs in our community. When we met with our Pit Bull they asked a few key questions.
1. Are you doing this for the best interests of the child or to punish bio dad?
2. These things can be expensive. Do you have the resources to fund the effort regardless of how long it may take?
3. If I do not believe what you are trying to accomlish is the right/just thing will you consider other recommendations I may make?
4. If I do not think what you are trying to accomplish is likely, will you consider recommendations regarding paths for alternative goals?
We wrote the retainer check then and there.
The placotor cost us ~$10K, the pitbull cost us less than $2K because a quick consult, a nastygram letter to the SpermClan outlining the consequences if they did not comply with the CO and requirements set in the letter, it would be game on in court. We never had to go to court with the PitBull. We did go to court pro se after discussing and mapping strategies, etc... with the PitBull. We kept the pocket Ace card always ready to smack them with if they failed to pull their heads out of their asses. SS had been a resident of our very conservative county where CS is beyond ridiculous and we would change venue to our county if they did not knock their shit off. We never did it because they always backed off. We likely wouldn't have because not only is CS massive in that county, so is visitation. No amount of money would justify exposing a kid to that shallow and polluted genetic cesspool any more than necessary. But.. they did not know that.
When we were in court, either with or without a lawyer, we kept notes of their bullshit and made sure to address it when either they were on the stand, or we were. As a witness, I too was not in the court room. I did stand at the door watching through the side lights and listening. I could track most of what was going on. That was a week after we had married and DW was defending a custody attempt by SpermGrandHag. It did not go well for the bad guys.
The other court hearings were telephone hearings and though I was excluded, I was right there, listening with my mid muted, feeding DW papers, sliding her questions, and generally making a major asset of myself for DW and a neusence of myself for the SpermClan.
Again, we kept winning.
We made sure to do whatever it took to get the facts, the documents, and the proof in front of the Judges. Whether they wanted it or not. Asking questions of the SpermCLan that we knew they would lie about then .... playing the recording of them saying what they just claimed never happened. We lived in a different state that is a single party concent state where anyone can record any conversation they are a part of without informing anyone else in the conversation. The SpermClan's heads would explode when we bared their asses using their own recorded voices.
None of this was any brilliant strategy. It was a series of fortunate learnings that we kept building on as their toxicity continued and our ever growing resources gave us the ability to leverage to our advantage.
I am sorry that your experience with the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession that seem to land in family law at all levels has proven to be so infuriating. Our has been infuriating as well.
Family Courts love high
Family Courts love high conflict cases and will do little to aide in holding the problem parent responsible. This guarantees the other parent will continue to pursue court, thus paying more into the family court system. It’s a racket, they know they have you financially on the hook for a minimum of 18 years and will milk it for as long as they can.
Case in point my DH got custody of his Spawn after her Meth Mother was arrested for harboring a fugitive, felony possession of drugs with intent to sell, being under the influence or narcotics with minors present, and child endangerment, this should have been a slam dunk case….no. We even found out Meth Mouth was facing felony charges in another state and could get 35-life for her crimes there. So yeah we thought this is a no brainer win and Meth Mouth will be going to jail for a long time. Nope the courts did everything they could to bend over backward to assist Meth Mouth in not only getting more visitation and hopefully custody back, but also did everything they could to help assist in keeping her out of jail. We dealt with 7 years in and out of court fighting to keep custody even after countless arrests and charges and jail time against Meth Mouth. The courts finally stopped fighting DH when Spawn was 17 and let Meth Mouth know she wasn’t ever getting custody back and to just let things ride for another year when Spawn could be free to go live with her.
This is much of the reason
This is much of the reason why we took as much of the battle as possible out of the courts and did a full frontal constant assault on toxic. We threatened, cajoled, embarrassed, billed, had our attorney send clearly defined consequence letters on law firm letter head, kept the Skid full abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner, lather, rinse, repeat.
By the time anything got to court they had been beat, rode hard, and put up wet, to the point that they did not make much of an effort. We went to court loaded for bear. We submitted countless reems of information far beyond what the courts required of both parties. They brought nearly nothing. Including not once providing the complete information demanded by the DA or the courts during CS reviews of court hearings. So, we brought much of their information with us and provided it to the courts. We made sure that their ass was bared as fully as possible every step of the way.
All it would have taken for them to not be pummelled would have been for them to be reasonable and follow the CO.
They chose otherwise, and by choosing otherwise, they chose the pain. We brought the pain.
The Judges would be exhausted by the end of the action. Invariably we won. But even in winning I have never left a Family Law court action feeling anyway other than needed a skin seering scalding hot high water pressure shower.
Fortunately, we only ended up in court twice. Though we did have to go after a number of Judge clarifidations when they would cry and willfully make up shit that was not in the CO. I know the Judges got sick of having to fix their stupid.
We kept them sweating just to keep as much of it as we could out of court. When it did go to court much of that time was spent demanding that they provide the subpoenaed information that the court required from both parties. "Your Honor, here is item X1. We would like to see the respondent's information regarding this item. Will they be held in contempt for failing to provide it as requiried? If not, why not?"
Lots of Fisher-Price wooden hammer pounding by the Harry Potter robed bottom 10%ers of the legal profession at that point.
I love this. And you're right
I love this. And you're right, winning in family court is not actually a win but a loss ain't it. This attorney has two other cases, all high conflict custody cases, and both are police officers that work with BM. Specific unit and all. Our cases mirror each other from the start but the Interventions and outcomes for SD is WAY different than what the other kids reflected. They both were busted for accessing the ACIC on their former partner's current spouse. And. sure. enough. They came rolling in trying bring up a decade ago of a case where I was in an abusive relationship and signed my oldest over in a guardianship until I finished school and healed and dad and I were divorced. It worked itself out and the guardianship ended no long after but those were sealed records. How was I to testify that records that should not be talked about are being talked about without at least explaining I wasn't a drug addict or abuser or absolutely careless. I was 17 and needed help out. So, judging by those other cases and how SD has bounced back once we got back, I say it's a huge win at least.
To answer your question
Yes you are crazy. All SP are crazy. To get involved in a zoo. Going through all this nonsense, getting PTSD. For wat ? To be disrespected by the SK. Better to be wearing a "punch me" sign