The ex wife sticks around like glue
Can anyone help me??? I have a nightmare ex wife (my Husbands) that like many people on here never seems to leave us alone!!! My Husband and I have suffered so emotionally from this woman and it has reached an all time worst as my Husband has now has to tell his family that we no longer want to associate with them as long as they are friendly with her. This woman or "dog guts" as my Husband referes to her, has never been stable. when I first met my Husband 5 years ago she had decided to trade her daughters(my 2 sd's) in for more time with her boyfriend at the time. Alcohol, going out and spending time with him was way more important to her. Those children were left to fend for themselves all day while she would lay in bed drunk from the night before. This nightmare continued when she would neglect to treat their personal hygiene and health. Their hair that was riddled with headlice when they came over and they started to spread it on to my 2 children. Ringworm was left untreated also and the excuse was she could not afford the cream (but alcohol and cigarettes were still being bought). She took us to hell and back with lack of co-peration, bad mouthing us to the children, taking us to court and all the usual bitter twisted stuff. She did not even spend the youngest SD Birthday with her 2 years running and instead opted to go camping with the new boyfriend. On an occasions we were away and it was not our weekend with the children her Mother had a stroke and we were told we had to come home from away to go pick up the children who were being minded by her Mother at the time because she was camping with her boyfriend. The stroke did not even prompt her to leave camping not only to pick up her children but to be by her Mother's side. She has dragged us through child support and knows every loop hole in the system to the point she even had them set my Husbands income at a rate he had never earnt in his life!! She has bad mouthed us to people around town and worst of all completely manipulated my Husbands family to the point we are having to justify our actions all the time.Her boyfriend dumped her and since has had a string of boyfriends which she has paraded through the SD's lives nad has gone from completely neglecting them to calling them up to 3 times a day when they are with us. we took them away for a week and we had sometimes up to 6 phone calls a day asking what we were doing. She has a way of asking questions about our lives and getting my MIL to tell her our information. My Mother had given me an early inheritence which we put toward a larger home and no one knew the circumstances except my family and my husbands but with the constant manipulation she managed to squeeze the information out of my MIL. We have a new baby together and if anyone has read my previous replies, she turned up in the delivery suite with my 2 SD's immediately after I had just given birth because she couldnt help herself to come look at the baby!!!. And since the birth of our baby had told my SD's that they are now second best and that dad should spend time with them away from us as a family. we call them every week to come stay and they say they have to ask their Mum and call us back to which we get no phone call back. We text and call them and they don't want to come over anymore not even to see their new sibling. All because she has brainwashed them!! no matter how much we tell them we want them here they go home and she seems to manipulate them by giving them everything they want with no rules. So when they do come to our place and there are rules and chores they hate it!! She then calls my Husbands family and tells them we do not spend time with the children and are neglecting them.This woman is crazy!!!! She just got back from an oversea's holiday with my MIL whom she manipulated by telling her that the children would not go on the holiday unless she was to come. Whilst over there she bitched and whinged about us and when my MIL returned she did not bother to come over to visit us or her few month old Grandchild. Because my MIL lives away she missed a rare opportunity to visit us all because the ex wife had her believing we were mistreating my Husbands daughters. Oh and she then proceeded to tell his family that we do not pay her a single cent for the children!!! When this is not true. Our child suport is automatically deducted from my Husbands wages before he even gets paid and we nominated to pay 4 times what we actually have to pay!!!. Yet his family call us abusing us when she tells them these lies and we are left continually having justify ourselves. My Husband has now told his family that they have to make a decision betweeen her or us because we are sick of her turning up at all family occasions, rubishing us and the lies he is telling. His family see no problem in what she is doing and in therir own words said "well no one is perfect" mind you they have witnessed the huge amount of stress we have been through with her, the neglect she placed on the children. the fact my Husband nearly committed suicide over it and still want to sweep i under the carpet. How the hell do we get this woman out of our lives for good because we have had enough???
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Stick to your guns
I hear you, pixie1. The amount of stress in a BM situation when the in-laws get involved is just too much. My DH almost had a breakdown himself from the pressure. Our BM is just as childish as yours (acts like a teen when she has a BF). Neglected SD and SS, but they are older. Both got in trouble, though, SD had a kid and SS went to drug rehab after failing 8th grade 2x.
Hold your ground when it comes to telling in-laws to butt out. You don't owe them an explanation. She is just pulling your chain through manipulating them. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'd rather not discuss it." "Is BM going to be there? Oh, sorry to miss it."
JMHO.
Thanks LiizzieP, yes you hot
Thanks LiizzieP, yes you hit the nail on the head, she is 37 going on 18 at times. Especially when she gets a few drinks under her belt!! At times she discusses the most inappropriate tings with her 11 and 14 year old daughters...I'm sure they don't need to know about her "hot dates"...it's defintely not sending good messages to them!! I'm thinking SD14 is in for a very troubled life. Cannot do a thing for herself and is so frightened of the world that she cannot live in it like a normal teen. everything is controlled by BM and she does not know how to have an independent mind. cant even hardly order a drink for herself at a cafe, cannot communicate with people that come to visit and her only friends are the ones on my space who she does not have to interact with face to face. Is failing school miserably and headed in no direction at this stage. we see that she will not even be able to be employed because he cannot interact with people. We have tried so many times to take her to counsellor's and have been up to the school to try and get some feedback on how we can help her improve her school work only to have BM yell at us and tell us she will never be good at school work and there is no reason she needs to go to a cousellor she is not mental!!! Thanks great tips for MIL I will be practising those lines over and over so when I am put in that situation the answer will just roll off my tongue. I too am an ex wife and I sure as hell do not put my ex through anything!!! I am so accomodating it's not funny. and as muchas his Mother was like a Mother to me and I loved his family I do not bother them what so ever. They live away and if I ever drop the children off I am pleasant and accomodating but I certainly do not want to overstep my place. My ex's Mother even offered for us to stay at her place instead of a motel to which I replied that it was such a generous offer but we would have to decline...
Pixie read my posts about my FH's family!
They think the sun shines out of BMs ass and to save himself he has disengaged from his family. We live 3 states away thank god but BM always comes out looking like a shining star and FH is the bad guy. They praise BM and say well if it wasn't for BM we wouldn't have gotten to see SD15 so much. Please go and read my posts about what this woman has done to me and my relationship and his relationship with his family. They have been broken up for 16 years and if you read my story you will see what happens when the men do not put up boundaries. Then there is nothing left to do but disengage. Good luck to you and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Anyone who read these posts
Anyone who read these posts on here and has someone in their life that is a FH, better run like crazy. Mine is a H, oh if I had only known.
FaithL got that right
My H's niece is bestfriends with BM. He did not believe me that neice is working against us on behalf of BM. I think he finally saw the light when information got back before he went to court - I told him it's her me or niece. Let BM know the good times are over and give her back what she is giving out - I am not saying do spiteful, hateful or even juvenile things she does, but go back to the minimum cs - get court ordered visitation and force her to abide, disengage from family and let MIL know that it is H and the new grandbaby or BM - she can choose. I bet this approach would cut out some of the crap
Right on Razamond
I think Razamond is onto something here. If your H has the balls to do this I would definatly reduce the CS to what he is supposed to be paying and NOT a cent more and I would get the court order for visitation rights. I'm not sure how old your SD's are but I think the law here is that the child has to have visitation with the non custodal parent if that parent agrees until the children are 16 years of age, the children don't get a say.
As for your MIL, she needs to decided who she classifies as family. If it's your H then she can see the skids when in his care, your H needs to be firm with your MIL, she will be upset for a while, but your MIL has had and raised her kids now it's your H's turn and MIL needs to stay totally away from the BM otherwise make it clear that there may be consiquences on her relationship with the new grandchild if she continues her relationship with BM.
Show BM that she is not in control of your lives.
ALL THE BEST HUN.
I agree
I would do the same, go back to court with a better lawyer and get the CS reduced to what it should be. I would also get court ordered visitation. If she refuses to let the children see him, call the police and have them meet him at her house. She will be forced to release the children to him. BTW he will need to have the court order in hand. If she refuses often, and the police have it documented then you can take her back to court. The judge will punish her for this by increasing your visitation and which will decrease her CS.
You don't have to let her treat you like this. He has rights as a father (though not many), he needs to go back and straighten this all out. It is worth it in the long run.
Thank you so much to
Thank you so much to everyone for taking so much time to respond to my blog. it's really comforting to know their is support out there when you feel at this stage there is none. My Husband took the advice and contacted both his Mother and Brother and has told them both once and for all that if their relationship continues with BM the way it is then there will be no relationship with us and that it's non negotiable.. we totally agree with what alot of you said that his family should be making contact with the children through us if they want to visit them. Well that really got their nose out of joint!!! you can imagine how they have responded!!! at first MIL says stuff you basically how dare you issue expect us to choose then he just came back with well its your decision and you are the only one missing out on your new Grandchild. well she didn't like that prospect either and starting abusing accusing us of living over here with our "perfect" family (obviously meaning we have had our baby and we are happy to drop everyone else around us including the other children). He ignored her response. Then his Brother called because MIL is staying with him and his wife and kids for a visit which is only 20 minutes from where we live. Mind you we hardly got a phone call for her to come visit us at our place which is how this has all started. The brother starts yelling and saying we are not paying her a cent, we never see the other children, that BM is doing it tough etc etc and that they only time they see her is when BM drops the kids over for a visit. we know for a fact this is not true as the children have told us about having dinner there reguarly with their mother and obviously BM has been there enough to bitch and complain about us otherwise how else wold the Brother come up with his accusations???? Brother then says to my Husband should call his Mother to talk about things to which my Husband and he still wants to maintain a relationship with BM. Being very strong my Husband replied "what is the point, while you are still willing to listen to her lies and call me and accuse us of things that are not true and have a relationship with BM, then there is nothing to talk about." Meanwhile BM had dropped the SD to their place for them to mind for the weekend while she went away with a new boyfriend.... MIL and Brother must have stewed on my Husbands response all night and at 7.30m we recieved a text from Brother saying that we should call MIL to discuss. LIKE HELL!!. we continued to ignore the phonecalls that started soon after and at desperate attempts they even had SD's calling us to try and make out like they wanted to come see us. We knew it was all a plot to try and talk to us as we have never ever receieved calls from them ever especially asking if they could come over. we had already had a Christmas function to attend which they knew we had to go to so they knew very well we would not have been able to have SD's anyway. At 6.00 last night while at the function we got another message from Brother saying that we should never complain in the future about not seeing SD's as they had tried to contact us to come over and that we are lying about calling the SD's all the time and that they hope we are happy with each other and baby because thats all we have left now!!! UNBELIEVABLE. The games they are playing are as bad as the BM. They only had SD's calling us because MIL had a bee in her bonnet about my Husband refusing to call her and in desperate attempts involved the SD by getting them to call us like they wanted to come visit knowing full well we had a function to attend anyway. I am so proud of my Husband because he is unwilling to back down this time and will not speak to his family unless they wake up to her manipulative ways.
As far as the 2 SD my Husband does not know what to do because he calls and he calls and he calls and they say they are coming ovre and then don't show up and when they are here they feel such a responsibility to their Mother that they constantly worry about her and want to go home to see if she is "OK". We know she puts on the poor me act to them, the I am all alone when you go etc etc. And the eldest SD is so screwed up and emotional herself that not even a court order can get her here because she would hate us even more. You have to understand we had the 2 SD for half the time before baby came along so they are very used to living with us so its even harder to see this change in them. They have gone from loving us to hating us and we really think they won't come back. We have tried to everything we can. I even admit we were buying food we don't usually buy just so they would come over, doing fun things they wanted to do and basically over compensating to try and please them. But to no avail!! The only thing we would not give in on was that the children could not sit on My Space all night and that they had a set time limit each not like they do at BM where they don't even complete homework because of the computer. Also we agreed they had to help with chores etc and this was enough for the eldest to decide she would not come back because My Space is this child's life!!!
My Husband has all but given up on everyone involved even the Children because he has tried and tried and tried and feels the relationship now is false as they only come over when everything is their way and they are getting spoilt or they want money. He feels they know how to pick up the phone to call their BM when they are here to check on her, but cannot do the same with him. at 11.5 and 14 years I agree they are quite capable to pick up the phone to call to at least return our calls or ring to see how the baby is. We have done alot for them and especially when their BM decided she the boyfriend was more important then them and we were left to pick up the pieces and I had to become a Mother to them as well as look after my own 2 children fulltime. Any advice on what I should be doing on my behalf?? should we do as suggested and just keep a record of how much we tried for when they decide to ask my we disengaged or do we keep trying and keep feeling used and let down?? As for MIL and Brother I really believe my Husband has taken everyone's advice and has written them off and I guess it's my duty to support his decision even though I feel for our baby not knowing them...
Oh I have to add this it's just got better... Husband had just got off his facebook page if anyone else has one you meet up with relatives and old friends online. well to no suprise Ex wife has added Brother as a friend and Brother has to accept this request. Because Brother is one of my Husbands friends it notified my Husband that Brother and Ex wife are now friends. It also went on to read that BM has also added my Husbands Cousins whom she never was close to anyway when they were married and has not spoken to in years and years!!! would this woman stop recruiting all his family and get on with her life and hang off her own family!!! we just cannot believe the hide of this woman...My Husband has now deleted his Brother off his friends list.
I can only say that
I feel your pain! I have not had any BM drama lately, thank GOD! Since SD19 is living w/her now and has her own child, and SD16 is living with us and visits sugarmama on a regular basis, we haven't had any drama with her. This is also b/c I chose to disengage and when DH gets taken advantage of or flat out lied to, I just reserve comment. There was a time when sugarmama caused so much stress that DH wanted to move to another state just to get away from her. It's much better now that SD16 communicates w/her strictly vis her cell phone, so I never have to hear her fake "hello" ever again!