I exploded
I am so angry right now. My Dh called me all cheerful. That Ss opened up today. He cried and asked my Dh to visit him more often. So my Dh promised to see him every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He wants to rent an apartment in the area.And that after he made the promise, Ss calmed down and let him feed him soup. I lost it. I asked him if he even remembered the rest of us. I swore a bunch of times and hung up.
Then he texted me saying he will not be breaking his promise and that he is sorry. I have just had it. And of course I probably look like a real witch who doesn't care. But I have three kids here. Fine, maybe he doesn't want to be a father to my daughter, even though he has been the closest thing resembling one. But he has two young boys with me. Do they not deserve some time with their father? And what about me? We work all week. I may as well be a single parent.
My Dh will be coming back Thursday when Ss gets discharged. He better hope I'm not home when he gets here. All this just keeps adding to the feeling that I am over it.
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discharged?
discharged?
Praying... I can't imagine
Praying... I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I am confused though. He is being discharged, was he hodplitalized? And is going back to the facility now?
He he was hospitalized
He he was hospitalized because he stopped drinking as well. They hydrated him and fed him using a nasogastric (I think) tube. He will be going back to facility after. I am so angry. On one hand I know this will make Ss feel better. But what about all of us?
OH, I must have missed a
OH, I must have missed a blog. Sorry about that.
So, the first thing that comes to mind, is that this is a great step in the right direction for SS. I know it is very trying on your relationship with DH. Maybe you can suggest that he starts with getting a hotel room on Friday and Saturday, so he can be home with you on Sundays? Rather than an actual APARTMENT. That sounds so permanent. I am certain you can come to a compromise about this. And remember, this is just temporary until SS is doing better. Maybe this will help him get to a point that DH won't NEED to be there as often. I would think if this were my child, I would be doing whatever I can to help him. I understand your need for him to be home with the rest of you. Trust me, my husband travels for work. It is HARD.
Talk about it with him (when you calm down) come to a reasonable compromise.
Its ok. A apartment would be
Its ok. A apartment would be cheaper especially since he is planning to do this for a long period of time. I don't even know if I can calm down. My kids won't see him properly for months if he does this. Maybe there will be a point when he gets better. But what if he doesn't? He made such an important decision without even asking me.
I understand that. That is a
I understand that. That is a big change, without consulting you. This must be so hard on both of you. Do you think he would compromise to a Fri- Sat instead? I don't think that is unreasonable.
He did check with the
He did check with the facility. He checked with everyone except me, his wife. He is going for therapy for himself. I am so angry at him.
I am glad that your SS had a
I am glad that your SS had a break through. But you were NOT out of line. Part of what your SS needs to learn is the fact their are things he cant control, things in life that are horrible, but life must go on. He needs to develop the coping skills to face his problems head on. Your Husband is wrong about this. Could you speak to one of the professionals and let him here for himself that him being their so often catering to his Sons needs could possible set the hole process back? or derail it completely? I know that he needs help, but I truly think that more time away getting to the bottom of what happened for himself is what SS needs. I think that dad being their will hinder his healing process.
You know, I thought the
You know, I thought the facility would say something about it. But they are all for it if it means Ss will start being less destructive to his health. So now if I argue, Im going against what the professionals are saying. And that makes me look (and feel) like a terrible person.
Her SS is broken. He has a
Her SS is broken. He has a terrible past that no human being should ever have to go through. He doesnt have normal reactions to things because he has been desensitize, and destroyed.
I don't mean to speak for Dog
I don't mean to speak for Dog Person (& Dog Person, correct me if I'm wrong), but what I gathered from her comment was that continuing to reward SS's manipulation is going to result in continued manipulation.
He is in a facility to get help. Praying's DH is not helping by blowing off the rest of his family to give SS what he wants so he'll eat.
If SS chooses not to eat/drink, the hospital will insert a feeding tube, as they've done. Making promises that are going to bankrupt a family to get SS to agree to be spoon-fed a bowl of soup is not helpful. It's enabling & enforcing manipulation.
SS is going to have to adjust to a life where he is not making himself the center of everyone's pity. I don't say that to be mean. I say it because it's a reality in life.
Yes, he is a victim of abuse, but with his dad enabling him in "victim mode", that's where he'll stay. It doesn't encourage healing.
IMO, the weekly visits are too much. Granted, I'm no professional, but it seems it would be easier for SS to adjust to the facility & the help program if he didn't have the constant interruption of visitors. I believe he would focus better if the program was given a chance to settle in before introducing visits.
I wouldn't say he is
I wouldn't say he is manipulative per say. In fact most of the time, he just shuts us out and never asks for anything. But when he does ask for something the rare time, my Dh goes overboard.
You ARE NOT a Terrible
You ARE NOT a Terrible person. This hole situation has taken a huge toll on your entire family. Him getting an apartment is not fair to his other children and it is not fair to you, the woman he choose to spend his life with.
Is it honestly financially possible to stack on an apartment? With the house hold bills, the cost of the recent hospital stay, the treatment center cost, is his thought of getting an apartment going to bankrupt your home? Treatment centers are not cheep and I cant imagine having to pay for one not knowing how long (maybe year or two). Has he even talked about how he planned to balance everything?
Both my Dh and I make very
Both my Dh and I make very good money. In fact my Dh makes almost three times what I make and I am a senior project manager. So money is not really an issue at this point. But its more of the toll it is going to take on my kids.
I honestly do not believe SS
I honestly do not believe SS is doing these things for the attention. I believe her SS is scarred to death about confronting his past alone. Being forced to be alone in a place full of strangers would be damaging to any kid that has been through what her SS has. He is handling his situation the only way he can. Her SS isnt emotionally the same as other kids his age, he most likely cant process his emotions in a healthy way what so ever.
I do not agree how her husband has chosen to go about the situation but I do not think it is fair to blame/accuses SS of intentionally seeking attention.
It just doesn't end. All I
It just doesn't end. All I see is a boy who has still learned to manipulate. I personally feel like when he is getting treatment he should be cut off from family. I think his father will handicap his recovery, if the recovery will happen at all.
I'm sorry. The whole thing sucks so badly.
I thought they would not want
I thought they would not want us around too much either. But I was wrong. Thanks for your kind words.
Holy shit! This kid is going
Holy shit! This kid is going to have to get his act together and accept a bunch of stuff, like another poster says, you cannot control what other people do!
I am horrified that DH is allowing himself to be played, DH obviously has some issues he might just need a swift kick up the ass to get over (metaphorically)! I used to tell my kids 'ohh look! You made a hole in the ground!' if they fell over and were even thinking about trying to play me beyond the initial reaction to the fall. I have a son with special needs, Aspberger's, and even he knows better than to try and play me!
A lot of the conflict here was to do with my parenting methods being so vastly different than DH's so I just quit parenting SKids! It's the only thing DH and I fall out over, eliminate the fights...let the SKids all go to hell in a hand basket if that is their choice.
I think that the facility has to justify it's existence and hand out paychecks for shrinks etc. What the hell is wrong with these people that they have to 'justify' or 'dignify' just because a child is a spoiled brat or a manipulative sociopath?
I think the facility is a waste of time and money, truthfully. It would be far easier to deal with it at home for DH, he could stop cajoling the brat for one thing! The child will not starve or dehydrate.
I'd call his bluff at mealtimes, if he refused to eat then do not make an issue out of it...say 'Oh, OK' and dismiss it like no big deal. Keep an eye on the refrigerator, the boy will eat behind you all!
I'd also be saying to DH that 'hunger strikes' have to have a 'cause' and are usually planned in advance, also they very seldom work out for the people who go on strike. The boy has to have heard about hunger striking from somewhere? Start with some propaganda that is more positive, open up conversations on topics of importance to the issue, you are trying to help...right?! Look up articles on it and find what you think is appropriate then read out about it, then in DH's earshot...and SS's if you can...loudly exclaim findings if they are what we all suspect it's about! Watch the changes, then give DH some food for thought. You know the old 'plant the bug in the ear trick, right? It takes approx three weeks to germinate and then it blooms into a full grown idea that is entirely his own...LOL shhhhhhhh I did not tell you that!
Wow this got a bit
Wow this got a bit overwhelming. And so many different opinions. It's just confusing
me.
But I guess what Ripley and Old Dart said stuck to me. Maybe I should see how it goes for a while. Not to say I am not still angry. But maybe for one weekend we can go as a family. It is in the middle of no where but maybe we can go for horse-riding lessons, I don't know.
And I find myself doing what I always do. Let people make thoughtless actions and forgive them. But I guess I can understand why my Dh what he did. I might have done the same if I was there. Although I would have used my brain and asked my Dh first.
I am willing to try this for 2-3 months but after that I will expect big changes. But I am still extremely angry at my Dh. I don't know what I am going to say to him when I see him.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your anger. It's very frustrating when your partner makes a decision by themselves that affects everyone.
Praying, here's what you CAN
Praying, here's what you CAN do right now - keep aiming for calm deep breathing until you can land back in your self. Then you will be able to feel and hear your position with this. Then you can come back and be present for your kids at home. It's really no surprise to hear of your DH's reactions - same channel, same pattern as his desperate rationalizations while SS was still home. But here's the difference now - there is a higher authority overseeing the process. If the professionals think this helps create the safe space and story to get SS stabilized, then things can change and go forward - in ways that your DH probably dares not even dream about right now. So, how can you take care of yourself. You. Your kids at home need you. You need you. This needs to play out between DH and SS and who knows where it will lead - and right now, what you can do is figure out how to land back in you. How to take care of you, Praying. You can do this. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Since the cost is not an
Since the cost is not an issue, I'd at least take all the kids one weekend a month. Get a couple of hotel rooms with a pool, you and the kids swim, play minature golf, whatever they like to do. Make a vacation of it at least for the rest of the summer and then re-evaluate. And talk to your DH and address this as a compromise through the end of August, but you are not happy that he made this decision without you. And as one poster said, if you can, get a sitter for 1 weekend a month and just you and DH go, visit your SS, but you and DH make time for some alone time during all this.
Praying, I feel for your
Praying,
I feel for your family. IT must be so hard. You need to remember that the professionals are looking out for SS benefit. This is who they were hired to help. They do not look at the benefits/costs to the rest of the family. This is not their focus.
I would be livid that DH made this decision without me. I am hoping he is clueless male & agreed without thinking about it. Have a glass of wine relax & evaluate. You & your DH need to take a step back & look at the whole family. Let DH know that this may be a deal breaker for you & make sure he realizes a decision that important made without you will definitely be a deal breaker in the future.
Best of Luck.
But he learned from those
But he learned from those overreactions didn't he? He learned that in order to get dad's attention and get the focus all back on himself that he had to take drastic measures. He is negotiating with DH.... he knows exactly what to do to get his way.